1 So Fast

When a snail crossed the road，he was run over by a turtle.Regaining consciousness in the emergency room，he was asked what caused the accident.

"I really can’t remember."the snail replied，"You see，it all happened so fast."

太快了

一個(gè)蝸牛過馬路，被一個(gè)烏龜從身上軋過。在急救室里它恢復(fù)了知覺，有人問它事故是怎樣發(fā)生的。

“我真的記不起來了，”蝸牛回答說。“你瞧，一切發(fā)生得都太快了。”

2 The Clever Dog

A little boy was practicing his violin，while his father sat reading the newspaper.

The family dog began to howl along dismally.Finally，the father could endure the combination no more and said，"Can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know？"

聰明的狗

一個(gè)小男孩在練習(xí)小提琴，他的父親在讀報(bào)紙。隨著小男孩的琴聲，家里養(yǎng)的狗也開始高一聲低一聲地叫起來。最后，小男孩的父親實(shí)在忍不下去了，說：“難道你就不能拉一些狗聽不懂的曲子嗎？”

3 Three Dollars

A dog owner claimed that his pet，when given money，would go to the news stall to buy a newspaper.His friend insisted on a demonstration and handed the dog some money.The dog trotted off，but an hour later，he had still not returned with the paper.

"How much did you give him？"asked the owner.

"Three dollars."

"Well，that explains it.When you give him three dollars，he goes to a movie."

三元

一位養(yǎng)狗人聲稱，要是給他的愛犬一些錢，它便會(huì)到賣報(bào)亭買份報(bào)紙來。他的朋友堅(jiān)持要來個(gè)演示，并給了狗一些錢。狗一溜小跑著去了。但一個(gè)小時(shí)過去了，仍不見它帶報(bào)紙回來。

“你給了它多少錢？”狗的主人問。

“三元。”

“這就是了。你給它三元錢時(shí)，它就會(huì)去看電影。”

4 The Parrot

A man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.

"We have three."says the clerk，"This blue one speaks four languages and costs $100，and the red parrot knows six languages and costs $200.The orange one over there costs $300，but doesn’t talk at all."

"Three thousand！"exclaims the man，"How come so much？"

"Well，"the clerk goes on，"we don’t know what he does，but the other two call him‘boss’."

鸚鵡

一個(gè)人去寵物店買鸚鵡。

“我們有三只。”店員說，“這只藍(lán)色的會(huì)說四種語(yǔ)言，價(jià)值100美元；這只紅色的懂六種語(yǔ)言，價(jià)值200美元；那只橙色的價(jià)值300美元，但什么話也不說。”

“300元！”那人大聲叫道，“怎么這么貴？”

“噢，”店員接著說道，“我們也不知道為什么，但另兩只鸚鵡都叫它‘老板’。”

5 Three Mice

Three mice walked into a pub.The first mouse bragged，"When I see a mousetrap，I set it off，and when the bar comes down，I catch it in my teeth，bench‐press it 20 times to work up an appetite and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse bragged，"Yeah，well，when I see rat poison，I grind it up and add it to my coffee to build up my strength."

The third mouse said，"Can’t stay long.I’ve got a date with a cat."

三只老鼠

三只老鼠走進(jìn)了一家酒店。第一只老鼠吹噓說：“我看到捕老鼠器時(shí)，就把它弄開。當(dāng)鐵柵欄落下時(shí)，我就用牙咬住它，上下推舉20次，以此來激發(fā)我的食欲，然后帶著奶酪溜之大吉。”

第二只老鼠夸口說：“我看見鼠藥時(shí)，就把它嚼成碎末，然后加進(jìn)我的咖啡，以此來增加我的力量。”

第三只老鼠說：“我不能久留。我和一只貓還有個(gè)約會(huì)呢。”

6 A Drunken Cab

A male crab asked a female crab to marry him.She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways."Wow，"she thought，"this crab is really special.I can’t let him get away."So they got married immediately.

The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other crabs，and got upset."What happened？"she asked，"You used to walk straight before we married."

"Oh，honey，"he replied，"I can’t drink that much every day."

喝醉的螃蟹

一只公螃蟹向一只母螃蟹求婚。母螃蟹注意到，這只公螃蟹走路直著走，而不是橫著爬。“哇！”她心想，“這只螃蟹可真特別。我絕不能錯(cuò)過他。”于是他們立馬結(jié)婚了。

第二天，母螃蟹發(fā)現(xiàn)她的新婚老公竟然橫著爬，與其他螃蟹沒有什么兩樣，她很是沮喪。“怎么回事？”她問道，“我們結(jié)婚前你是直著走路的。”

“哦，親愛的，”公螃蟹回答道，“我總不能每天都喝高吧。”

7 Dog Property Rules

1.If I like it，it’s mine.

2.If it’s in my mouth，it’s mine.

3.If I can take it from you，it’s mine.

4.If I had it a little while ago，it’s mine.

5.If I’m chewing something up，all the pieces are mine.

6.If it’s mine，it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7.If it just looks like mine，it’s mine.

8.If I saw it first，it’s mine.

9.If you are playing with something and you put it down，it automatically beacomes mine.

10.If it’s broken，it’s yours.

狗的財(cái)產(chǎn)規(guī)則

1.如果我喜歡它，它就是我的。

2.如果它在我嘴里，它就是我的。

3.如果我把它從你那兒拿過來了，它就是我的。

4.如果一刻鐘以前我擁有了它，它就是我的。

5.如果我正在嚼什么東西，所有的碎渣都是我的。

6.如果它就是我的，那么無論怎樣，它永遠(yuǎn)不可能是你的。

7.如果它看起來是我的，它就是我的。

8.如果我先看到它，它就是我的。

9.如果你在玩什么東西而你把它放下了，那么它就自動(dòng)歸為我的。

10.如果它壞了，它就是你的了。

8 What Did the Chicken Do

Sam’s parrot was always using bad language，so he asked the vet how he could stop it."Every time the bird swears，put it in the freezer for 15 seconds."advised the vet.

The next time the parrot uttered an expletive，Sam did as the vet said.Then，feeling guilty，Ted opened the freezer.

Shivering，the parrot came out saying，"I’m sorry for all the bad language I’ve been using."Sam was astounded at the sudden change.Then the parrot said，"by the way，what did the chicken do？"

那只雞犯了什么錯(cuò)

山姆的鸚鵡總是說臟話，所以他就問獸醫(yī)怎么才能制止。獸醫(yī)建議道：“每次它一說臟話，你就把它放在冰箱里關(guān)它十五秒鐘。”

等到鸚鵡又說臟話時(shí)，山姆就照獸醫(yī)的話做了。過了一會(huì)兒，山姆覺得這樣不太好，就又打開了冰箱。

鸚鵡凍得瑟瑟發(fā)抖，出來后說道：“我對(duì)我說臟話的行為道歉。”對(duì)于如此突如其來的轉(zhuǎn)變，山姆很驚訝。鸚鵡接著問道：“另外，能問一下那只雞犯了什么錯(cuò)嗎？”

9 Get the Umbrella

Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee.Just as they got into the cafe，it started to rain.The biggest turtle said to the smallest one，"Go home and get the umbrella."

The little turtle replied，"I will if you don’t drink my coffee."

"We won’t，"the other two promised.

Two years later the big turtle said to the middle turtle，"Well，I guess he isn’t coming back，so we might as well drink his coffee."

Just then a voice called from outside the door，"If you do，I won’t go."

小烏龜取傘

三只烏龜打算去喝咖啡。它們剛爬進(jìn)咖啡店，天就開始下起雨來。于是最大的那個(gè)烏龜對(duì)最小的烏龜說：“回家去拿把傘來。”

小烏龜回答道：“如果你們不喝我的咖啡，我就去。”

“我們不會(huì)的。”那兩個(gè)烏龜承諾道。

兩年后，大烏龜對(duì)中等個(gè)頭的烏龜說：“好吧，我猜它不會(huì)回來了，我們還是把它的咖啡喝掉吧。”

就在這時(shí)，一個(gè)聲音從門外傳來：“你們要是喝我的咖啡，我就不去啦。”

10 Bat‐infestation Problems

Three pastors got together for coffee one day and found all their churches had bat‐infestation problems.

"I got so mad，"said one，"I took a shotgun and fired at them.It made holes in the ceiling，but did nothing to the bats."

"I tried trapping them alive."said the second，"Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them，but they beat me back to the church."

"I haven’t had any more problems."said the third.

"What did you do？"asked the other，amazed.

"I simply baptized and confirmed them，"he replied，"I haven’t seen them since."

蝙蝠困擾問題

有一天，三個(gè)牧師去喝咖啡，發(fā)現(xiàn)他們的教堂都有受蝙蝠困擾的問題。

“我快要發(fā)瘋了，”其中一名牧師說，“我?guī)Я艘恢ЙC槍，向它們射擊。槍在天花板上打了好幾個(gè)窟窿，但蝙蝠毫毛未損。”

“我曾試著活捉它們，”第二個(gè)牧師說，“然后我驅(qū)車走了五十英里才把它們放開，但它們又追著我回到了教堂。”

“我什么問題也沒有了。”第三個(gè)牧師說。