15 A Rule

Mark Twain once went to borrow a certain book from a neighbor."May I borrow a book from you？"he asked politely.

"Yes，you’re more than welcome to it，"the neighbor told him，"But I must ask you to read it here.You know I make a rule never to let any book go out of my library."

Some days later，the neighbor wished to borrow Twain’s mower."Why，certainly."Twain told him，"You’re more than welcome to it.But I must ask you to use it here.You know that I make it a rule never to let it go out of my garden."

規矩

有一次，馬克·吐溫去一位鄰居家借一本書。“我可以向你借一本書嗎？”他彬彬有禮地問道。

“可以，非常樂意借給你，”鄰居對他說，“但我要求你必須在這里讀。你知道我定有一條規矩，從來不讓任何一本書離開我的書房?！?

幾天后，這位鄰居想從馬克·吐溫那里借一臺割草機?！班?，當然可以，”吐溫對他說，“非常樂意借給你。但我要求你一定要在這里用。你知道我定有一條規矩，從來不讓它離開我的花園?！?

16 On The Beach

One day ，Tom was sunbathing naked at the beach.For the sake of civility，and to keep it from getting sunburned，he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says，"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

Tom raised an eyebrow and replied，"If you are a beauty it would lift itself."

沙灘上的對話

一天，湯姆沙灘上裸曬。為了文明他給私處蓋上草帽，以防太陽灼傷自己。

一個陌生女子路過，取笑他：“如果你是紳士，你就應該舉起草帽向女士敬禮?！?

湯姆揚了揚他的一側眉毛，答道：“如果你是美人的話，它會自動舉起來的。”

17 You Must Be an Expert

Little Bill was playing with his father’s wallet when he accidentally swallowed a coin.He went crying to his mom.

The parents took the boy to a doctor，who said that the coin was impossible to remove without surgery.

They consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion.Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy.

He turned little Bill upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and，sure enough，the coin rolled out.

Everyone was amazed.The father said，"You must be an expert！"The man replied，"No sir.I’m just a tax collector."

你一定是一位專家

小比爾在玩爸爸的錢包，一不小心吞下了一枚硬幣。他的父母帶他看醫生，醫生說只有動手術才才能把硬幣弄出來。

父母咨詢了一位專科大夫，?？拼蠓蛞舱J為要動手術。這時一個男的過來說他可以立馬把錢幣弄出來。

那人把小比爾頭朝下倒了過來，在脖子后面一個位置很精準地拍了幾下，果然，錢幣出來了。

在場的人都感到很驚訝。小比爾爸爸說：“你一定是位專家！”那個男的回答道：“先生，我不是，我只是個收稅的。”

18 Bicycle

Bella is buying some things at hardware store.The storekeeper has many bicycles in the store and wants to sell one to Bella.He says，"Look here，Bella.I have some very good bicycles to sell.I can sell you a first‐class bicycle and you can ride around your farm on it every day."

"Oh，no，"says Bella，"I don’t want a bicycle.I think a cow is more in my style，and the price is the same."

"But just think，"says the storekeeper，"can you ride around a town on a cow？That’s foolish."

"Oh，I don’t know，"says Bella with a smile，"which is more foolish，to ride on a cow or to milk a bicycle."

自行車

貝拉到五金商店買東西。店里有好多自行車，店主想推銷一輛給貝拉。他說：“貝拉，你看，我這里有一些質量一流的自行車，我把最好的賣給你，這樣你就可以騎著它每天在你的農場里四處轉悠了?！?

“噢，不，”貝拉說，“我不要自行車。我想奶牛更適合我的風格，再說牛和自行車的價錢也一樣?！?

店主說：“可你想想，你能騎著一頭奶牛在城里逛嗎？那樣做非常愚蠢?！?

貝拉笑著說：“噢，我不知道哪個更愚蠢，是騎牛還是給自行車擠奶？”

19 Hogarth

One day，Hogarth was asked to paint a picture of Pharaoh crossing the Red Sea.A little while after the picture had been commenced，a hitch arose over the fee，and Hogarth found that he would have to complete the commission for about half the sum he expected.When the work was completed，the patron was asked to come and inspect it.As a matter of fact，the picture was just one daub of brilliant red.

"What’s this？"exclaimed the purchaser，"I asked for the Red Sea，on the occasion of the celebrated passage."

"That’s it."replied Hogarth.

"But，where are the Israelites？"

"They are all gone over."

"Where are the Egyptians？"

"They’re all drowned."

霍迦斯

一天，有人請霍迦斯畫一幅法老渡紅海圖。這幅畫剛開始畫不久，酬金就出現了問題。霍迦斯發現，完成這幅畫后，他只能得到他想要的大約一半的錢。當作品完成之后，那位主顧被請來看畫。其實，這幅畫不過是胡亂涂抹的一片鮮紅。

“這是什么？”那位買主喊了起來，“我要的是紅海，是那次著名的航海?！?

“這就是。”霍迦斯回答說。

“可是以色列人在哪兒？”

“他們都已經渡過去了。”

“埃及人在哪兒？”

“他們全都淹死了?！?

20 A Wise Man’s Advice

The boss of an old American Company was a well‐known miser.One day he went to a business consultant’s office and said to the consultant：

"It will be the 50th anniversary of my company next Sunday.I’ll pay you 10 dollars if you could tell me how to make the anniversary celebration most spectacular without paying a cent，with the result that my employees will be happy."

"That’s simple."said the consultant，"All you have to do is to take this 10‐dollar note back，buy a rope with it，and hang yourself with the rope at the celebration.It will be the most spectacular celebration in American history，and you’ll make all your employees most happy without paying a cent."

金玉良言

一家老牌美國公司的老板是個人人皆知的吝嗇鬼。一天，他來到自己業務顧問的辦公室說：“下星期日是我公司成立50周年的紀念日。如果你能告訴我怎樣在不花一分錢的情況下舉辦一場最為壯觀的周年慶祝會，并使我的所有職員都感到快樂，我就給你10美元?！?

“那很簡單，”顧問說，“你只要把這10美元的鈔票拿回去買一根繩子，之后你在慶祝會上用這根繩懸梁自盡，那將成為美國歷史上最壯觀的慶祝會，并且你還能在不花一分錢的情況下使你所有的職員感受到最大的快樂?！?

21 Ask for a Job with the Circus

A young man asked for a job with the circus，any job at all，as long as he could be with the circus.The circus manager decided to give the young man a chance to become an assistant lion tamer and took him out to the become cage.

The head lion tamer，a beautiful young woman was just starting her rehearsal.Entering the cage，she removed her cape with a flourish，and standing in a gorgeous costume，she motioned to a lion.Obediently the lion crept toward the young woman and then rolled over twice.

"Well，"said the manager to the young man，"do you think you can learn to do that？"

"I’m sure I could，sir."replied the young man，"But first you’ll have to get that lion out of there."

馬戲團的工作

一個年輕人向馬戲團尋求工作，什么工作都可以，只要他能跟著這個馬戲團。馬戲團的經理決定給這個年輕人一個機會，讓他成為一名馴獅助理，于是把他帶到訓練籠里。

領頭的馴獅人是一位漂亮的年輕姑娘，她正要開始排練。進入籠子后，她把自己的披肩一甩，穿著華麗的戲服站在那里，向獅子做起手勢。獅子順從地走向這個姑娘，然后打了兩個滾。

“嗯，你覺得你能學習做這些嗎？”經理對年輕人說道。

“我確定我能，先生。”年輕人回答，“但是首先你得把獅子趕出去。”

22 A Heavy Sleeper

The preacher was vexed because a certain member of his congregation always fell a sleep during the sermon.