1 So Dirty

Teacher： Jim，why do you always get so dirty？

Jim： Well，I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

如此臟

老師：“吉姆，你為什么總是這么臟？”

吉姆：“噢，因為我比你離地面近得多。”。

2 Fortune

A newly‐married man asked his wife，"Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune？"

"Honey，"the woman replied sweetly，"I’d have married you no matter who left you a fortune."

財產(chǎn)

一個新婚男子問妻子：“如果我爸沒有留給我一筆財產(chǎn)，你還會和我結(jié)婚嗎？”

“親愛的，”女人甜蜜地答道，“無論誰留給你一筆財產(chǎn)，我都愿意嫁給你。”

3 Just Her Choice Give Me a Surprise

Tommy saw an acquaintance taking leave to an elegant and asked，"Is she your fiancee？"

The man asked，"Well，does my choice give you a surprise？"

Tommy answered，"No，just her choice give me a surprise."

讓人吃驚的選擇

湯米看到一個熟人正在和一位優(yōu)雅的女士告別，便道：“她是你的未婚妻嗎？”

那個人反問道：“噢，我的選擇讓你吃驚嗎？”

湯米回答說：“不，是她的選擇讓我吃驚。”

4 No Worries

At the swimming pool one day，a child asked his mother，"Mo‐ mmy，mommy，can I go swimming？"

"Certainly not，darling.The water’s much too deep."

"But daddy’s swimming，mommy."

"Your daddy’s insured，sweetheart."

不用擔(dān)心

在游泳池旁，一個小孩問他媽媽：“媽咪，媽咪，我可不可以下去游泳？”

“親愛的，當(dāng)然不可以，水太深了。”

“可是爸爸不是在游泳嗎？”

“你爸爸有保險啊，甜心。”

5 The Banker and the Artist

A rich banker begged a well‐known artist to paint for him.The artist did it in less than three minutes and asked for 50，000 pounds."Why，"exclaimed the banker，"it took you only three minutes to do it."

"Yes，"replied the artist，"but it took me thirty years to learn how."

銀行家和畫家

一個腰纏萬貫的銀行家請一位著名畫家為他畫一幅畫。畫家不到3分鐘就畫完了，并索要5萬英鎊。“為什么，”銀行家驚叫道，“你只不過才畫了3分鐘。”

“不錯，”畫家回答說，“但我花了三十年才學(xué)會如何畫。”

6 Make Way for a Fool

Goethe was once strolling on a narrow path in a park.As luck would have it，he met with a critic who was hostile to him.

Both of them stopped，staring at each other.Then the critic said，"I will never make way for a fool."

"But I will."with that Goethe retreated aside.

給傻瓜讓路

有一次，歌德在公園的一條狹窄的小路上散步，偏偏遇到了一個對他心存敵意的評論家。

他們都停下來看著對方。隨后，評論家說：“我從來不會給傻瓜讓路。”

“但我會。”說完，歌德退到了一旁。

7 Novels

At a world‐class writing forum，a man chattered to a lady，"I have published 259 novels，and you？"

The lady commented，"You’re really a prolific writer.Unlike you，I only published one novel."

The man asked arrogantly，"What’s the title of your novel？"

"Gone with the wind."

作品

在一次世界級筆會上，一個男的對一位女士喋喋不休地說：“我已經(jīng)出版了二百五十九部小說，你呢？”

那位女士評價說：“你真是個多產(chǎn)作家。我不像你，只出版了一部小說。”

那個男的傲慢地問道：“書名是什么？”

“《亂世佳人》。”

8 Use My Phone

A high‐powered executive was speeding down a Detroit street，talking on his car phone.The police soon pulled him over.

The executive completed his call and looked up at the officer."Yes？"he said.

"I bet you don’t even know why I stopped you！"the officer replied.

"You want to use my phone？"said the executive.

用我的電話

一位精力充沛的經(jīng)理一邊打車載電話一邊在底特律的大街上超速行駛。警察很快就讓他靠邊停了下來。

經(jīng)理掛了電話，抬頭看著警官。“有什么事嗎？”他問。

“我敢說你都不知道我為什么叫你停下來！”警官答道。

“你是想用我的電話吧？”經(jīng)理說。

9 Pancakes and Pizza

"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition."the doctor told his patient，"We’re going to put you in an isolation ward，where you’ll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."

"Will pancakes and pizza cure my condition？"

"No."replied the doctor，"They’re the only things we can slip under the door."

煎餅和比薩

“你患了非常罕見、極其嚴(yán)重的傳染病。”醫(yī)生對病人說，“我們打算把你送到隔離病房，你在那里要以煎餅和比薩餅為食。”

“煎餅和比薩餅?zāi)苤魏梦业牟幔俊?

“不能。”醫(yī)生回答說，“只有這兩樣?xùn)|西我們能從門下塞過去。”

10 Pull Over

A highway patrol officer stopped a speeding motorist.

"Don’t you know what the blinking lights and siren mean？"he demanded.

"Yes，sir."replied the driver.

"Then why didn’t you pull over immediately？"

"I would have，officer."the man said，"But last month my wife ran off with a policeman，and I was afraid you were bringing her back."

停車

一名公路巡警攔住一個超速行駛的摩托車手。“難道你不知道警燈閃爍和警笛鳴響意味著什么嗎？”他厲聲問道。

“知道，先生。”司機回答說。

“那你為什么不馬上停車？”

“我本來想停，”那個人說，“但上個月我的妻子和一名警察私奔了，我怕你把她送回來。”

11 How Much Is Two plus Two

The city council was interviewing an applicant for the position of city manager.One council member asked the candidate，"How much is two plus two？"

The applicant jumped up，opened the door and peered up and down the hall.Then he closed all the window blinds，returned to the desk and whispered，"How much do you want it to be？"

He was hired on the spot.

2加2等于多少

市議會在面試一名應(yīng)聘市執(zhí)行長的人。一名議員問候選人：“2加2等于多少？”

應(yīng)聘者跳起來，打開門，向走廊里看了看，然后拉上所有的窗簾，回到辦公桌邊低聲說：“你想要它是多少？”

他被當(dāng)場錄用。

12 I Can’t Afford Them

Picasso’s paintings have been recognized by the world.

One day，some good friends came to Picasso’s house.

They found that on the wall were all the other artists’works，but there was no his own.

"Why，Pablo？"someone asked，"don’t you like your painting？"

"No，just the opposite，"the painter said，"I’m very fond of my own works，but they’re too expensive，so I cannot afford them."

我買不起

畢加索的繪畫已經(jīng)得到世人公認(rèn)。

有一天，一些好友到畢加索家里做客時，發(fā)現(xiàn)墻上掛著的全是別人的作品，他自己的一幅也沒有。

“為什么，巴勃羅？”有人問，“你不喜歡自己的畫嗎？”

“不是，恰好相反，”畫家說，“我非常喜歡，但太貴了，我買不起。”

13 I’ll See to the Rest

A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door，talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.

"Come on，miss！"he shouted，"Shut the door，please！"

"Oh，I just want to kiss my sister good‐bye."she called back.

"You just shut that door，please，"called the guard，"and I’ll see to the rest."

剩下的我來做

列車長正要發(fā)出火車啟動的信號，突然看見站臺上有一位迷人的小姐站在打開的車門邊，跟車廂里的另一位漂亮小姐在說話。

“快點兒，小姐！”他喊道，“請把車門關(guān)上！”

“噢，我想跟我妹妹吻別。”她喊道。

“你只管把門關(guān)上就行了，”列車長大聲說道，“剩下的我來做。”

14 Fake Money

Ted went into a shop，took a toy tank，gave the shopkeeper fake money and started to leave.So，the shopkeeper told him，"Excuse me，little boy，this isn’t real money."

Little Ted didn’t reply，continuing walking out of the shop.The shopkeeper repeated himself，but Ted kept walking.The third time the shopkeeper called him，"I’m sorry，young man，but this is not real money."

Ted looked at the tank in his hands，and looked at the shopkeeper，finally said，"And this isn’t a real tank，either."

假錢

泰德進(jìn)了一家商店，拿了一個玩具坦克，給了店主假錢就走。于是店主告訴他：“不好意思，孩子，這錢是假的。”

小泰德沒有回答，繼續(xù)往外走。店主重復(fù)自己的話，但泰德繼續(xù)走。第三次店主叫住他：“對不起，年輕人，這不是真錢。”

泰德看看手里的坦克，又看看店主。最后說：“可這也不是真坦克呀。”