The day came when she tired of the mentality. She wasn't a victim anymore and the time had come for her to move beyond the victim mentality.I asked her how she stopped the self destructive cycle.The frst thing she did is something many abuse victims may have a hard time doing.She forgive her abuser.She did not say that she forgive him for breaking her ribs， she acknowledged that he had a problem and that he needed to get help.Wishing him ill will kept him in her mind more than he should have been.By acknowledging that he had hurt her， that he did have a problem， she was able to feel some relief.There was more though.As important as forgiving him was， she needed to forgive herself too.She needed to forgive herself for exposing the kids to the abuse.She needed to forgive herself for not reporting him to the police all the times he had hurt her.She needed to forgive herself for being afraid.She needed to forgive herself for not having walked away all the times she could have.She needed to forgive herself.

She did all those things so she could mentally move forward. Forgiving herself allowed her to get past some of the more intense things she had experienced.The physical bruises had all gone away.The emotional had stayed.It had clung to her and kept the victim mentality alive.

對下面的問題你會作何回答：我擺脫了虐待，翻開新的生活。有些事我一直在考慮，從何時開始，如何虐待會停止在我的生活中扮演重要的角色？我見過那些繼續生活的人，我想知道他們是如何做到的。

問這個問題的女士所問的問題是有效的。有許多不再是受害者的男人、女人和孩子，可是這些人感到無法將其拋在身后。它就如同過去被虐待時一樣還是自己的一部分。唯一的區別是如今在他們的世界沒有情感或身體虐待發生。

什么是受害人思維？

受害人思維是你對自己生活中的一切都歸咎于別人。（另一個不常用的定義是一個人認為未來只會給他們帶來不好的東西）如果你沒有獲得晉升，那是因為Johnson比你做得多，不是因為他發現你成天上網。你最好的朋友打電話說不能和你進餐。她總是那么對你，約會時總不來。你將給她點顏色看看。當你再出去時就不會請她了。然而你卻沒有考慮她才剛開學，而你卻是在最后一分鐘給她打電話。這就是受害人思維。

最近，我和某位不再帶著“受害人”思維的人談話。她繼續新的生活，不再有作為受害人要背的額外包袱。我們討論了如何原諒虐待人的這種行為，在此過程中你也要如何原諒自己。隨之而來的就是釋放了受害人思維。

當她生活在這種思維下，她發現自己更生氣。她發現自己將滿腔的憤恨都拋給了她的虐待者。她被困在這種循環，似乎永遠都不能前進。如果她生病了，那么她會對他生氣；如果孩子搗蛋，她會對他生氣；那個人沒有任何牽涉，但是全都是他的錯，不是她的錯；他讓事情變成這樣……當你開始做“指責”游戲，生活要容易些。“指責”游戲讓你的生活“容易”不前進，讓你難以成長。

有一天，當她厭惡了這種思維。她不再是受害人，是時候讓她走出這種思維。我問她如何停止這種自我毀滅的循環。她做的第一件事就是許多受害人感到難以去做的：她原諒了她的虐待者。她并沒有說因為是打斷了她的肋骨而原諒，她承認他有問題，需要幫助。詛咒他只會讓她依然記著他。通過承認他傷害了她，他確實有問題，她就能獲得一些輕松。不過不僅如此。和原諒一樣重要的是，她需要原諒自己，她需要原諒自己讓孩子暴露在虐待環境下，她需要原諒自己在他傷害她這一切的時候沒有報警，她需要原諒自己的害怕感覺，她需要原諒自己一直以來本可以卻沒有離開，她需要原來的那個自己……

她做了這一切事情，這才能夠在精神上前進。原諒自己讓她超越了過去感受到的更強烈的東西。身體上的累累傷痕早已復原，然而被傷害的情感依然存在。它牢牢地握住她，維系著受害人思維。

至善者，善之敵

Don't Let th ePerfect Bet he Enemy of the Good

I was inspired by an observation by Voltaire to make my resolution， "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good." In other words， instead of pushing yourself to an impossible "perfect，" and therefore getting nowhere， accept "good." Many things worth doing are worth doing badly.

I have a friend who never exercises unless she's training for a marathon；as a consequence， she almost never exercises. I never push myself when I exercise， and although I suspect she scoffs at my wimpy work-outs， I've managed to get myself to exercise several times a week for years.If I'd tried to have a more ambitious work-out， I'm sure I wouldn't have exercised at all.

Along the same lines， I told a friend that one of my happiness-project resolutions was to "Remember birthdays，" and so I was sending out happy-birthday emails. He said， "Oh， you shouldn't email！You should call or write a hand-written note， that's much nicer." True-but I won't.And it's better to get something done imperfectly than to do nothing perfectly.

The perfect can also become the enemy of the good in the quest for perfect information. There are two ways to approach decision-making：as a satisfcer (yes， that is a word) or as a maximizer.

Satisficers are those who make a decision or take action once their criteria are met. That doesn't mean they'll settle for mediocrity；their criteria can be very high， but as soon as they fnd the pasta sauce or the business card that has the qualities they want， they're satisfed.

Maximizers want to make the optimal decision. Even if they see a bicycle or a backpack that meets their requirements， they can't make a decision until after they've examined every option， to make the best possible choice.Studies suggest that satisficers tend to be happier than maximizers；maximizers spend a lot more time and energy to reach a decision， and they're often anxious about whether they did， in fact， make the best choice.（For a fascinating discussion， read Barry Schwartz's The Paradox of Choice.）

In almost every category， I'm a satisfcer， and in fact， I often felt guilty about not doing more research before making decisions. But it's one of my Secrets of Adulthood：Most decisions don't require extensive research.In picking a girls'summer camp， a friend got information from twenty-five camps and visited five in person.We got information from five camps and picked the one that a friend's daughter loved.I used to think that my lack of diligence was a sign of laziness， and my resolution "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good" has made me feel a lot better.

In some situations， the happier course is to know when good enough is good enough， and not to worry about perfection or making the perfect choice.

在作出一項決定時，我謹記伏爾泰的箴言：“至善者，善之敵”。換言之，不要逼迫自己實現不可能的“完美”，而是去接受“好”。許多事情值得去做，但不需要事事完美。

我有一個朋友從來不鍛煉，除非去練馬拉松。結果，她幾乎一直都沒有鍛煉。而我鍛煉的時候，從來不會勉強自己。雖然我懷疑她看不起我的低鍛煉強度，可是數年來我能堅持每周鍛煉幾次。如果我設定一個更高的鍛煉目標，我肯定根本不會去鍛煉。

同理，我曾告訴一位朋友，在我的“快樂計劃”中，有一條是“記住生日”，因此我會發送生日祝福電子郵件。他說：“哦，你不該發電子郵件！應該打電話、寫留言，這讓人感覺更好。”是啊——但是我不會去做。不完美地做了某件事總比追求完美而一事無成的好。

在獲得詳盡信息上，“完美”也會成為“好”的敵人。有兩種決策者：滿足者（這個詞是有的）和最大化者。

“滿足者”是指那些一旦滿足了標準后即作出決定或采取行動的人。這不表示他們甘愿接受平庸：他們的標準可能很高，但是一旦找到了希望中的東西，比如意粉醬或名片，他們就滿足了。

“最大化者”希望作出最優化的決定。即便找到了滿足需求的東西，例如自行車或背包，為了作出最佳選擇，他們要檢查每一個候選后才能作出決定。研究表明滿足者往往比最大化者更快樂；最大化者為了作出一個決定要花更多的精力和時間，而且經常會為自己是不是真的作出最佳選擇而煩惱。（對此的精彩討論，請參閱《選擇的矛盾》一書，作者Barry Schwartz）