第2章　與人交往的秘訣

在這個世界上，只有一個方法能夠讓任何人去做任何事。你是否靜下心來想過這一點呢？是的，只有一個方法，那就是讓別人愿意去做那件事。

請記住，除此之外沒有別的方法。

當然，你可以用槍威逼某人把他的手表給你。你可以用解雇來威脅你的雇員，使他聽你的話，哪怕你并不在身邊。你還可以用鞭子或恫嚇的方法使一個孩子做你交給他的事。但這些粗暴的做法顯然只會導致極其不良的反應。

而我能夠促使你做任何事的唯一方法，就是滿足你的需要。那么，你需要什么呢？西格蒙德·弗洛伊德說：“你我所做的任何事情都起源于兩種動機：性沖動以及成為偉人的欲望。”美國大哲學家杜威的觀點與此稍有不同。杜威博士說：人類天性中最深層的沖動就是“顯要感”。記住，是“顯要感”。這是非常重要的。你將在這本書中看到許多有關的內容。

你所需要的是什么呢？并不多。但不可否認，有少數東西的確是你所需要并且迫切渴望的。大多數人想要的東西包括：

（1）健康與生命的保障。

（2）食物。

3. Sleep.

4.Money and the things money will buy.

5.Life in the hereafter.

6. Sexual gratification.

7. The well-being of our children.

8. A feeling of importance.

Almost all these wants are usually gratified—all except one. But there is one longing—almost as deep, almost as imperious, as the desire for food or sleep—which is seldom gratified. It is what Freud calls “the desire to be great.” It is what Dewey calls the “desire to be important.”

Lincoln once began a letter saying:“Everybody likes a compliment.” William James said:“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” He didn't speak, mind you, of the “wish” or the “desire” or the “longing” to be appreciated. He said the “craving” to be appreciated.

Here is a gnawing and unfaltering human hunger, and the rare individual who honestly satisfies this heart hunger will hold people in the palm of his or her hand and “even the undertaker will be sorry when he dies.”

The desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals. To illustrate: When I was a farm boy out in Missouri, my father bred fine Duroc-Jersey hogs and pedigreed white-faced cattle. We used to exhibit our hogs and white-faced cattle at the country fairs and livestock shows throughout the Middle West. We won first prizes by the score. My father pinned his blue ribbons on a sheet of white muslin, and when friends or visitors came to the house, he would get out the Long sheet of muslin. He would hold one end and I would hold the other while he exhibited the blue ribbons.

（3）睡眠。

（4）金錢及金錢所能買到的東西。

（5）長壽。

（6）性欲的滿足。

（7）子女的幸福。

（8）顯要感。

除去一點之外，幾乎所有這些需要都能滿足。還有一項需要如同食物或睡眠一樣重要卻很難滿足，那就是弗洛伊德所說的“成為偉人的欲望”，也就是杜威所說的“顯要感”。

林肯曾在一封信的開頭說：“每個人都喜歡別人的恭維。”威廉·詹姆斯也說：“在人類天性中，最深層的本性就是渴望得到重視。”一定要注意，他并沒有說“愿望”“欲望”或“希望”，而是說“渴望”得到重視。

這是一種令人痛苦而且迫切需要解決的人類的饑餓，只有極少數能滿足這種人類內心饑餓的人才能把握別人，“甚至在他去世的時候，連殯儀館的人也會為之嘆息”。

出人頭地的“顯要感”這種欲望是人與動物之間的一種主要差別。例如，當我還是密蘇里州的一個農村孩童時，我父親就在飼養良種杜羅·杰賽豬和白臉牛。我們經常在中西部的集市及家畜展銷會上出售我們的豬和牛。我們獲得過幾十個頭等獎。我父親用別針把藍緞帶獎章別在一條白布上，當朋友或客人來我家時，他就取出這條長帶。他拿著這一端，而我則持著那一端，為客人展示藍緞帶

The hogs didn't care about the ribbons they had won. But Father did. These prizes gave him a feeling of importance.

If our ancestors hadn't had this flaming urge for a feeling of importance, civilization would have been impossible.Without it, we should have been just about like animals.

It was this desire for a feeling of importance that led an uneducated, poverty-stricken grocery clerk to study some law books he found in the bottom of a barrel of household plunder that he had bought for fifty cents. You have probably heard of this grocery clerk. His name was Lincoln.

It was this desire for a feeling of importance that inspired Dickens to write his immortal novels. This desire inspired Sir Christopher Wren to design his symphonies in stone. This desire made Rockefeller amass millions that he never spent! And this same desire made the richest family in your town build a house far too large for its requirements.

This desire makes you want to wear the latest styles, drive the latest cars, and talk about your brilliant children.

It is this desire that lures many boys and girls into joining gangs and engaging in criminal activities. The average young criminal, according to E.P.Mulrooney, onetime police commissioner of New York, is filled with ego, and his first request after arrest is for those lurid newspapers that make him out a hero. The disagreeable prospect of serving time seems remote so long as he can gloat over his likeness sharing space with pictures of sports figures, movie and TV stars and politicians.

If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I'll tell you what you are.

獎章。

這些豬并不關心它們得了什么獎章。但是我父親卻很在意，因為這些獎章給他一種顯要感。假如我們的祖先對于這種顯要感并沒有強烈欲求的話，那么人類文明也就無法產生。而沒有文明，我們和動物就沒什么區別。

正是這種追求顯要感的強烈欲望，推動著一位沒有受過什么教育的、極其貧困的雜貨店伙計去研究一本法律書，這本書是他在一只堆滿了雜物的大木桶底下找出來，并花了50美分買下的。也許你已經聽說過這位雜貨店的伙計，他的名字叫林肯。正是這種追求顯要感的強烈欲望，激勵著狄更斯完成了不朽的作品。這種欲望還激勵克里斯托弗·雷恩設計出了“石之和音”。這種欲望還促使洛克菲勒創造了他一輩子都花不完的財富。也正是這種欲望促使城里那些大富豪們建造起一棟棟大別墅，這些別墅遠遠超過了其實際需要。也正是這種欲望促使你想要穿最時髦的衣服，駕駛最新款式的汽車，和別人談論你聰明伶俐的孩子。也正是這種欲望，誘使許多孩子成為匪徒。“如今的青年罪犯，”紐約市前任警察總監馬洛尼說，“非常自負。被捕以后，他的第一個反應是要求看那份駭人聽聞的、使他成為‘英雄’的報紙。他們只想看見自己的照片與那些體育明星、影視明星和政治家的照片同時見諸報端，而對于以后的牢獄生活卻毫不在意，認為這似乎是不可能的事情。”

That determines your character. That is the most significant thing about you. For example, John D.Rockefeller got his feeling of importance by giving money to erect a modem hospital in Peking, China, to care for millions of poor people whom he had never seen and never would see.Dillinger, on the other hand, got his feeling of importance by being a bandit, a bank robber and killer. When the FBI agents were hunting him, he dashed into a farmhouse up in Minnesota and said, “I'm Dillinger!” He was proud of the fact that he was Public Enemy Number One.“I'm not going to hurt you, but I'm Dillinger!” he said.

Yes, the one significant difference between Dillinger and Rockefeller is how they got their feeling of importance.

History sparkles with amusing examples of famous people struggling for a feeling of importance. Even George Washington wanted to be called “His Mightiness, the President of the United States”; and Columbus pleaded for the title “Admiral of the Ocean and Viceroy of India.” Catherine the Great refused to open letters that were not addressed to “Her Imperial Majesty”; and Mrs.Lincoln, in the White House, turned upon Mrs. Grant like a tigress and shouted, “How dare you be seated in my presence until I invite you!”

Our millionaires helped finance Admiral Byrd's expedition to the Antarctic in 1928 with the understanding that ranges of icy mountains would be named after them; and Victor Hugo aspired to have nothing less than the city of Paris renamed in his honor. Even Shakespeare, mightiest of the mighty, tried to add luster to his name by procuring a coat of arms for his family.

People sometimes became invalids in order to win sympathy and attention, and get a

如果你將自己如何獲得顯要感的方式告訴我，我就能說出你是怎樣的人。憑這一點就可以確定你的性格，因為這是你生活中最重要的事情之一。例如，“石油大王”洛克菲勒在中國北京出資建新式醫院，為千百萬他從來都沒有見過，而且今后也永遠不會見到的貧民治病，以此獲得顯要感。相反，狄林格則通過當強盜搶劫銀行和殺人來獲得顯要感。當聯邦調查局的人追捕他的時候，他闖進明尼蘇達州一個農民的家中，說：“我是狄林格！”他竟然以自己是頭號公敵而感到榮耀。他說：“我不會傷害你，但我是狄林格！”

是的，狄林格與洛克菲勒之間最重要的差別，就在于他們獲得顯要感的手段不同。

在歷史上，一些名人為了獲得顯要感而上演了許多有趣的事情。即使是喬治·華盛頓也愿意被稱為“至高無上的美國總統”；哥倫布為了得到“海軍上將兼印度總督”的名號而不惜遠涉重洋；女皇凱瑟琳干脆拒絕拆閱那些沒有稱她為“女皇陛下”的信件；而林肯夫人曾在白宮對格蘭特夫人大發雷霆，說：“你怎么敢在我請你坐下以前，在我面前坐下！”

1928年，那些百萬富翁出錢贊助拜德大將去南極探險時，附加了一個條件，那就是以他們的名字命名冰山。雨果甚至希望將巴黎改成他的名字。連“名人中的名人”莎士比亞，為了光宗耀祖，也想方設法為他的家族弄到了一枚象征榮譽

feeling of importance. For example, take Mrs.McKinley. She got a feeling of importance by forcing her husband, the President of the United States, to neglect important affairs of state while he reclined on the bed beside her for hours at a time, his arm about her, soothing her to sleep. She fed her gnawing desire for attention by insisting that he remain with her while she was having her teeth fixed, and once created a stormy scene when he had to leave her alone with the dentist while he kept an appointment with John Hay, his secretary of state.

The writer Mary Roberts Rinehart once told me of a bright, vigorous young woman who became an invalid in order to get a feeling of importance.“One day,” said Mrs. Rinehart, “this woman had been obliged to face something, her age perhaps. The lonely years were stretching ahead and there was little left for her to anticipate.”

“She took to her bed; and for ten years her old mother traveled to the third floor and back, carrying trays, nursing her. Then one day the old mother, weary with service, lay down and died. For some weeks, the invalid languished; then she got up, put on her clothing, and resumed living again.”

Some authorities declare that people may actually go insane in order to find, in the dreamland of insanity, the feeling of importance that has been denied them in the harsh world of reality. There are more patients suffering from mental diseases in the United States than from all other diseases combined.

What is the cause of insanity?

Nobody can answer such a sweeping question, but we know that certain diseases, such as syphilis, break down and destroy the brain cells and result in insanity. In fact, about

的徽章。

有時候，人們還會通過裝病來博得同情和注意，以此獲得顯要感。例如麥金利總統夫人，她曾強迫她丈夫——美國總統——將手中重要的國家事務放下，斜倚在她的床邊抱著她，撫慰她進入夢鄉，而且每次長達幾小時，以此來獲得顯要感。她在治療牙齒的時候，堅持讓丈夫陪著她，以此來滿足她希望得到關注的強烈欲望。有一次，由于總統和國務卿約翰·海有要事相商而不得不讓她一個人待在牙醫那里，于是她大發脾氣。

作家瑪麗·萊恩哈特也曾告訴過我，為了獲得顯要感，一位聰明活潑的少婦突然裝起病來。“總有一天，”萊恩哈特夫人說，“這個人將不得不面對這一現實，那就是她將逐漸衰老。她的未來將是一片寂寞，她已經沒什么希望了。

“整整10年，她一直躺在床上，由她那年邁的母親在樓梯上艱難地爬上爬下，端茶倒水地服侍她。終于有一天，這位老邁的母親因勞累過度而離開了人世。這個裝病的女人傷心了幾個星期之后，不得不爬起來，穿上衣服，重新開始生活。”

有些專家認為人的確會精神失常，這是因為他們需要在癲狂的夢境中獲得在殘酷的現實世界所得不到的顯要感。在美國，精神病患者多于其他一切患者的總數。

精神失常的原因是什么呢？

one-half of all mental diseases can be attributed to such physical causes as brain lesions, alcohol, toxins and injuries. But the other half—and this is the appalling part of the story—the other half of the people who go insane apparently have nothing organically wrong with their brain cells. In post-mortem examinations, when their brain tissues are studied under the highest-powered microscopes, these tissues are found to be apparently just as healthy as yours and mine.

Why do these people go insane?

I put that question to the head physician of one of our most important psychiatric hospitals. This doctor, who has received the highest honors and the most coveted awards for his knowledge of this subject, told me frankly that he didn't know why people went insane. Nobody knows for sure. But he did say that many people who go insane find in insanity a feeling of importance that they were unable to achieve in the world of reality. Then he told me this story:

“I have a patient right now whose marriage proved to be a tragedy. She wanted love, sexual gratification, children and social prestige, but life blasted all her hopes. Her husband didn't love her. He refused even to eat with her and forced her to serve his meals in his room upstairs. She had no children, no social standing. She went insane; and, in her imagination, she divorced her husband and resumed her maiden name. She now believes she has married into English aristocracy, and she insists on being called Lady Smith.

“And as for children, she imagines now that she has had a new child every night. Each time I call on her she says，‘Doctor, I had a baby last night.'”

無人能夠回答這個大問題，不過我們知道有些病——例如梅毒，能夠使腦細胞受到損傷，從而造成精神失常。事實上，大約有一半的精神病是由于生理原因造成的，如腦部受損傷、酒精、中毒，以及軀體受到創傷。但令人惶惑不安的是，另一半患上精神病的人在腦細胞等機體上并沒有明顯的毛病。對這些人死后所進行的尸檢中，即使用最高倍的顯微鏡檢查他們的腦部神經，也難以查出有什么問題，他們的腦部神經和你我的一樣健全。

那么，這些人為什么會精神失常呢？

我向一家精神病院的一位著名的主任醫生請教了這一問題。這位醫生曾因為在這方面的突出貢獻而獲得過最高榮譽及最著名的獎章。他坦率地對我說，他也不知道人為什么會變瘋，根本就沒有人知道確切原因。不過他又說，許多患上精神病的人，能夠在癲狂中找到真實世界中難以獲得的顯要感。他向我講了這樣一個故事：

“現在，我有一位病人，她的婚姻是個悲劇。她渴求愛情和性欲的滿足，而且希望有個孩子及社會聲譽，但是她所有的希望都被現實生活打破了——她的丈夫不愛她，甚至拒絕和她一同吃飯，并強迫她在樓上的房間服侍他吃飯。她沒有孩子，沒有社會地位。于是，她瘋了。在她的幻想中，她已經和丈夫離婚，并且恢復了婚前的姓名。她現在相信自己已經嫁給了一位英國貴族，并堅持讓別人稱

Life once wrecked all her dream ships on the sharp rocks of reality; but in the sunny, fantasy isles of insanity, all her barkentines race into port with canvas billowing and winds singing through the masts.

Tragic? Oh, I don't know. Her physician said to me:“If I could stretch out my hand and restore her sanity, I wouldn't do it.She's much happier as she is.”

If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of insanity.

One of the first people in American business to be paid a salary of over a million dollars a year（when there was no income tax and a person earning fifty dollars a week was considered well off）was Charles Schwab. He had been picked by Andrew Carnegie to become the first president of the newly formed United States Steel Company in 1921, when Schwab was only thirty-eight years old.（Schwab later left U.S. Steel to take over the then-troubled Bethlehem Steel Company, and he rebuilt it into one of the most profitable companies in America.）

Why did Andrew Carnegie pay a million dollars a year, or more than three thousand dollars a day, to Charles Schwab? Why? Because Schwab was a genius? No. Because he knew more about the manufacture of steel than other people? Nonsense. Charles Schwab told me himself that he had many men working for him who knew more about the manufacture of steel than he did.

Schwab says that he was paid this salary, largely because of his ability to deal with people. I asked him how he did it.Here is his secret set down in his own words—words

她為史密斯夫人。

“至于孩子，她現在幻想著每個晚上都會生下一個新的嬰兒。當我每次去看她的時候，她都會說：‘醫生，我昨晚上生了個孩子。’”

殘酷的現實曾經摧毀了她的夢幻之舟，但在想象的陽光燦爛的美麗海島邊，她的夢幻之舟再度揚帆，駛進快樂的港灣。

這是悲劇嗎？唉，我可不知道。不過她的醫生對我說：“即使我能伸手治好她的精神癥，我也不愿那樣做。她現在這樣生活更加快樂。”

試想一下，如果有人如此渴求顯要感，甚至真的變成了瘋子，那么我們在他還沒有變瘋之前就給予真誠的贊許，將會創造出什么奇跡呢？

查爾斯·施瓦伯是美國少數年收入超過100萬美元的商人（當時沒有個人所得稅，一個人一周掙50美元就被認為很富有）。1921年，他被卡內基提拔為新成立的聯合鋼鐵公司首任總經理，那時他38歲。（后來他離開聯合鋼鐵公司，接管當時陷入困境的貝氏拉罕鋼鐵公司，重新將它經營成美國最盈利的公司之一。）

安德魯·卡內基為什么付給施瓦伯100萬美元的年薪，也就是一天3000多美元的薪水呢？是因為施瓦伯是個天才嗎？不。是因為他所掌握的鋼鐵制造知識比別人更多嗎？那絕對是瞎說。施瓦伯自己就曾告訴過我，在他手下做事的許多人比他在這方面知道得更多。

that ought to be cast in eternal bronze and hung in every home and school, every shop and office in the land—words that children ought to memorize instead of wasting their time memorizing the conjugation of Latin verbs or the amount of the annual rainfall in Brazil—words that will all but transform your life and mine if we will only live them:

“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,” said Schwab, “the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.

“There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize any one. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”

That is what Schwab did. But what do average people do? The exact opposite. If they don't like a thing, they bawl out their subordinates; if they do like it, they say nothing. As the old couplet says:“Once I did bad and that I heard ever/Twice I did good, but that I heard never.”

“In my wide association in life, meeting with many and great people in various parts of the world,” Schwab declared, “I have yet to find the person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.”

That he said, frankly, was one of the outstanding reasons for the phenomenal success of Andrew Carnegie. Carnegie praised his associates publicly as well as privately. Carnegie wanted to praise his assistants even on his tombstone. He wrote an epitaph for

施瓦伯說，他之所以能獲得這么高的薪水，主要是他為人處世的本領。我問他是如何與人相處的，他親口說出了自己的秘訣——應該將這些話鐫刻在傳之久遠的銅牌上，懸掛在全國的每個家庭、學校、商店以及辦公室中——這些話每個兒童都應該背下來，而不是浪費他們的時間去背誦拉丁動詞的變形或巴西每年的降雨量——如果我們真的能夠按照這些話去做的話，你我的生活必然會大不相同。

施瓦伯說：“我認為鼓動、激發職工熱情的能力，才是我所擁有的最大資本。而充分發揮一個人才能的方法，正是欣賞和鼓勵。

“上司的批評最容易扼殺一個人的雄心壯志。我從來都不批評任何人。我認為應給人以工作方面的激勵。所以我更加樂于稱贊，而不喜歡挑剔。如果說我有什么偏好的話，那就是我‘誠于嘉許，寬于稱道’。”

這就是施瓦伯的做法。但一般人又是如何做的呢？正好相反。如果他們不喜歡某件事，他們就會挑剔毛病；如果他們真的喜歡它，他們也會閉口不談，就好像俗話說的：“好事不出門，壞事傳千里。”

“我這一輩子交際很廣，見過世界各地的許多著名人物，”施瓦伯說，“我發現所有的人，無論他如何偉大，地位如何高，當他在得到贊許的情況下工作時，總是會比在被批評時工作更出色，成就也更大。”

himself which read:“Here lies one who knew how to get around him men who were cleverer than himself.”

Sincere appreciation was one of the secrets of the first John D.Rockefeller's success in handling men. For example, when one of his partners, Edward T.Bedford, lost a million dollars for the firm by a bad buy in South America, John D.might have criticized; but he knew Bedford had done his best—and the incident was closed. So Rockefeller found something to praise; he congratulated Bedford because he had been able to save 60 percent of the money he had invested.“That's splendid,” said Rockefeller.“We don't always do as well as that upstairs.”

I have among my clippings a story that I know never happened, but it illustrates a truth, so I'll repeat it:

According to this silly story, a farm woman, at the end of a heavy day's work, set before her menfolks a heaping pile of hay. And when they indignantly demanded whether she had gone crazy, she replied, “Why, how did I know you'd notice? I've been cooking for you men for the last twenty years and in all that time I ain't heard no word to let me know you weren't just eating hay.”

When a study was made a few years ago on runaway wives, what do you think was discovered to be the main reason wives ran away? It was “lack of appreciation.” And I'd bet that a similar study made of runaway husbands would come out the same way. We often take our spouses so much for granted that we never let them know we appreciate them.

A member of one of our classes told of a request made by his wife. She and a group

其實，他所說的也正是安德魯·卡內基成功的一個重要原因。卡內基不僅僅是私下里，而且還在許多公開場合稱贊他的雇員。甚至在他的墓碑上還不忘稱贊他的雇員。他給自己寫了一句這樣的碑文：“長眠于此處的，是一個知道如何與比自己更聰明的人相處的人。”

真誠的欣賞也是洛克菲勒與人打交道的成功秘訣之一。例如，當一位名叫愛德華·貝弗德的合伙人在南美做砸了一大筆買賣，使公司損失上百萬美元時，洛克菲勒本來可以批評的，但他知道貝弗德的確盡了最大的努力——更不用說這件事已經發生了。因此洛克菲勒將這件事情朝好的一面來看。他祝賀貝弗德挽回了60%的投資。“這已經很不錯了，”他說，“我們不可能每件事情都不出錯。”

在我的剪報中有個故事，我知道并不是真的，但它揭示了一條真理，所以我想復述一下：

這個故事說，一位農婦勞累了一天，在家里的男人們面前放了一堆干草。當他們憤怒地問她是否瘋了時，她說：“怎么了？我怎么知道你們會在意呢？20年來，我一直為你們男人做飯，你們卻一聲不吭，也沒告訴我你們不吃干草啊。”

幾年前，有人對離家出走的妻子進行研究。你認為妻子離家出走的主要原因是什么？就是“沒有人欣賞”。我敢打賭，離家出走的男人也是同樣的情況。我們常將配偶所做的事情認為是理所當然的，卻從不讓他們知道我們的感激之情。

of other women in her church were involved in a self-improvement program. She asked her husband to help her by listing six things he believed she could do to help her become a better wife. He reported to the class, “I was surprised by such a request.Frankly, it would have been easy for me to list six things I would like to change about her—my heavens, she could have listed a thousand things she would like to change about me—but I didn't. I said to her，‘Let me think about it and give you an answer in the morning.’

“The next morning I got up very early and called the florist and had them send six red roses to my wife with a note saying，‘I can't think of six things I would like to change about you. I love you the way you are.’

“When I arrived at home that evening, who do you think greeted me at the door? That's right. My wife! She was almost in tears. Needless to say, I was extremely glad I had not criticized her as she had requested.

“The following Sunday at church, after she had reported the results of her assignment, several women with whom she had been studying came up to me and said，‘that was the most considerate thing I have ever heard.'It was then I realized the power of appreciation.”

Florenz Ziegfeld, the most spectacular producer who ever dazzled Broadway, gained his reputation by his subtle ability to “glorify the American girl.” Time after time, he took drab little creatures that no one ever looked at twice and transformed them on the stage into glamorous visions of mystery and seduction. Knowing the value of appreciation and confidence, he made women feel beautiful by the sheer power of his gallantry and consideration. He was practical: he raised the salary of chorus girls from

我班上一位學員講了他妻子對他的一個要求。她和其他一群婦女參加了一項自我提升的訓練。她要求她丈夫幫她列出6項讓她變得更聰明的事項。他在班上說：“我對這項要求很驚訝。坦白地說，要我列出將會改變她的6件事很容易——天啊！我太太可是能列出上千個希望我能變得更好的事項來——但我沒這么做。我對她說：‘讓我想想，明天早上再告訴你。’”

“第二天早上我起得很早，打電話給花店，讓他們給我妻子送6朵玫瑰花來，并在上面寫道：‘我想不出有哪6件事希望你改變。我喜歡你現在的樣子。’”

“我晚上回家時，你想誰在門口迎接我？對了，我妻子。她幾乎成了淚人。不必說什么，我很高興沒照她要求的那樣去批評她。”

“下個星期天她去教堂時，她把事情經過講了出來，和她一起上課的幾位女士走過來對我說：‘這是我聽說過的最善解人意的事。’我也體會到了贊美的力量。”

佛羅倫茲·齊科菲——這位最負盛名的歌舞劇團老板，在百老匯可謂風光無限，他因為能讓一個美國女子在一夜之間揚名四海而享有盛譽。他經常能把人們不愿多看一眼的平凡女子，魔幻般地變成舞臺上富有魅力的名角。他深知贊賞和自信的價值，他總是會用那種熱切的殷勤和體貼的關懷來使那些女子相信自己的美麗。他很現實，為那些歌女增加薪金，從每星期30美元增加到175美元；他還

thirty dollars a week to as high as one hundred and seventy-five. And he was also chivalrous; on opening night at the Follies, he sent telegrams to the stars in the cast, and he deluged every chorus girl in the show with American Beauty roses.

I once succumbed to the fad of fasting and went for six days and nights without eating. It wasn't difficult. I was less hungry at the end of the sixth day than I was at the end of the second. Yet I know, as you know, people who would think they had committed a crime if they let their families or employees go for six days without food; but they will let them go for six days, and six weeks, and sometimes sixty years without giving them the hearty appreciation that they crave almost as much as they crave food.

When Alfred Lunt, one of the great actors of his time, played the leading role in Reunion in Vienna, he said, “There is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my self-esteem.”

We nourish the bodies of our children and friends and employees, but how seldom do we nourish their self-esteem? We provide them with roast beef and potatoes to build energy, but we neglect to give them kind words of appreciation that would sing in their memories for years like the music of the morning stars.

Paul Harvey, in one of his radio broadcasts, “The Rest of the Story,” told how showing sincere appreciation can change a person's life. He reported that years ago a teacher in Detroit asked Stevie Morris to help her find a mouse that was lost in the classroom. You see, she appreciated fact that nature had given Stevie something no one else in the room had.Nature had given Stevie a remarkable pair of ears to compensate for his blind eyes. But this was really the first time Stevie had been shown appreciation for those

很懂感情，在福立士歌舞劇開始上演的晚上，向劇中明星們發電報祝賀，并將美麗迷人的玫瑰花贈送給每一位表演的歌舞女郎。

記得我有一次迷上了流行的節食風潮，竟6天6夜沒有吃一點東西。不過這并沒有什么難的。尤其是在第6天結束時，我反而不覺得比第2天更饑餓難耐。但我知道，而且你也知道，如果有人強迫他們的家人或雇員6天不許吃東西，那么這就是在犯罪；然而我們經常6天、6星期，或60年都不給人以真誠的贊美，而這種贊美卻和食物一樣重要。

當年阿爾弗雷德（他那個時代最偉大的演員之一）在《維也納團聚》一劇中擔任主角時曾說：“我最迫切需要的東西，就是我的自尊。”

我們供養我們的孩子、朋友和雇員，但我們對他們自尊心的關注卻少得可憐；我們為他們提供烤牛排、土豆，以增加他們的體力，但我們卻不知道給他們以贊賞的語言，而這恰恰是生活中的晨曲，將會永遠銘記在他們的心靈深處。

保爾·哈維在他的一次廣播《故事啟示》中講了真誠的贊美是如何改變一個人的生活的。他說，幾年前底特律一位老師請史蒂維·莫里斯幫她找一只在教室丟失的老鼠。你看，她贊美上帝給了史蒂維其他同學所沒有的才能——一對靈感的耳朵，以彌補失明的缺陷。但這卻是第一次有人贊美史蒂維的聽力。現在，好幾年過去了，他說這次贊美成了他新生活的開始。你看，從那以后他就開發自己

talented ears. Now, years later, he says that this act of appreciation was the beginning of a new life. You see, from that time on he developed his gift of hearing and went on to become, under the stage name of Stevie Wonder, one of the great pop singers and songwriters of the seventies.

Some readers are saying right now as they read these lines, “Oh, phooey! Flattery! Bear oil! I've tried that stuff. It doesn't work—not with intelligent people.”

Of course flattery seldom works with discerning people. It is shallow, selfish and insincere. It ought to fail and it usually does.True, some people are so hungry, so thirsty, for appreciation that they will swallow anything, just as a starving man will eat grass and fishworms.

Even Queen Victoria was susceptible to flattery.Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli confessed that he put it on thick in dealing with the Queen. To use his exact words, he said he “spread it on with a trowel.” But Disraeli was one of the most polished, deft and adroit men who ever ruled the far-flung British Empire. He was a genius in his line. What would work for him wouldn't necessarily work for you and me. In the long run, flattery will do you more harm than good. Flattery is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you into trouble if you pass it to someone else.

The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out.one is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.

I recently saw a bust of Mexican hero General Alvaro Obregon in the Chapultepec palace in Mexico City. Below the bust are carved these wise words from General

的聽力才能，并以史蒂維·王德爾的藝名成為70年代頂尖的歌唱家和詞作者。

有些讀者讀到這些話時，也許會說：“老一套！阿諛奉承！拍馬屁！那一套我已試過了，根本就不管用——對有知識的人根本就沒有任何用處。”

當然，對于有自知之明的人來說，拍馬屁很難起作用。因為拍馬屁不過是膚淺、自私和虛偽的表現，它應該而且也常常遭到失敗。可是，有些人確實非常渴望得到別人的贊美，甚至到了饑不擇食的地步，正如即將餓死之人會吃草或魚餌一樣。

甚至連維多利亞女王也愿意被人恭維。曾經擔任英國首相的狄斯累利承認，他常常在女王面前極力施展恭維之術。用他自己的話來說就是“盡力奉承”。狄斯累利是最文雅、最機巧、最老練的人之一，他曾經統治著幅員遼闊的英國。他也是一個天才。但他對維多利亞女王有效的方法不一定對你我有效。總的來說，恭維的弊端要多于益處。恭維是一種假象，正如假鈔一樣。如果你想用它，最終將會招來厄運。

贊賞和恭維區別何在呢？這其實很簡單。一個是真誠的，而另一個是虛偽的。一個是出自內心的，而另一個只不過是口頭上的。一個是沒有絲毫自私目的的，而另一個是出自個人私利的。一個將會得到天下人的欽佩，而另一個只會被天下人唾棄。

Obregon's philosophy, “Don't be afraid of enemies who attack you.Be afraid of the friends who flatter you.”

No! No! No! I am not suggesting flattery! Far from it. I'm talking about a new way of life.Let me repeat. I am talking about a new way of life.

King George V had a set of six maxims displayed on the walls of his study at Buckingham Palace. One of these maxims said, “Teach me neither to proffer nor receive cheap praise.” That's all flattery is—cheap praise. I once read a definition of flattery that may be worth repeating, “Flattery is telling the other person precisely what he thinks about himself.”

“Use what language you will,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson, “you can never say anything but what you are.”

If all we had to do was flatter, everybody would catch on and we should all be experts in human relations.

When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves. Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person's good points, we won't have to resort to flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost before it is out of the mouth.

One of the most neglected virtues of our daily existence is appreciation. Somehow, we neglect to praise our son or daughter when he or she brings home a good report card, and we fail to encourage our children when they first succeed in baking a cake or building a birdhouse. Nothing pleases children more than this kind of parental interest and

最近，我在墨西哥城的查普特佩克宮看到墨西哥英雄奧伯根將軍的一座半身像。在像的下面刻著奧伯根將軍的哲理名言：不要怕那些攻擊你的敵人，而要小心那些恭維你的朋友。

在此我絕不是想提倡恭維！絕對不是。我只是在講一種新的生活方式。讓我再說一遍吧，我只是在講一種新的生活方式。

英國的喬治五世國王也有一套共計6條的格言，被掛在白金漢宮書房的墻上。其中有一條格言說：“不要恭維他人，也不要接受不值錢的贊美。”恭維就是那種“不值錢的贊美”。我曾讀過一句關于恭維的話，也許值得重復：“恭維就是巧妙地告訴別人他是如何看待自己的。”

“無論你說什么話，”愛默生說，“也無法欺騙你自己的本心。”

假如靠恭維就可以達到目的，那么每個人都會爭著去學習恭維之術了，而且我們都可以成為人際關系專家了。

當我們沒有思考某個確定的問題時，我們常有95%的時間在考慮個人的事情。現在，如果我們暫且不想我們自己，而是去想想別人的優點，那么我們就不會，也沒有必要刻意造出那些廉價而尚未出口的虛假恭維了。

在日常生活中，我們最容易忽略的美德之一就是贊美。有時候，孩子從學校帶回好成績，我們忘了贊揚他們；當孩子第一次烤好一塊蛋糕或做好一個鳥籠

approval.

The next time you enjoy filet mignon at the club, send word to the chef that it was excellently prepared, and when a tired salesperson shows you unusual courtesy, please mention it.

Every minister, lecturer and public speaker knows the discouragement of pouring himself or herself out to an audience and not receiving a single ripple of appreciative comment. What applies to professionals applies doubly to workers in offices, shops and factories and our families and friends. In our interpersonal relations we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation. It is the legal tender that all souls enjoy.

Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.

Pamela Dunham of New Fairfield, Connecticut, had among her responsibilities on her job the supervision of a janitor who was doing a very poor job. The other employees would jeer at him and litter the hallways to show him what a bad job he was doing. It was so bad, productive time was being lost in the shop.

Without success, Pam tried various ways to motivate this person. She noticed that occasionally he did a particularly good piece of work. She made a point to praise him for it in front of the other people.Each day the job he did all around got better, and pretty soon he started doing all his work efficiently. Now he does an excellent job and other people give him appreciation and recognition. Honest appreciation got results where

時，我們也忘了鼓勵他們。父母的關注和贊揚是最令孩子高興的。

下一次，當你在餐廳見到盤中漂亮的裝飾時，不妨告訴廚師他們做得多好。當疲憊的售貨員耐心地給你取貨物時，也別忘了稱贊。

每一位牧師、演講者和公共發言人都知道，當他們傾其所有對聽眾講話卻得不到一絲贊美時會多么沮喪。同樣的情形發生在辦公室、店鋪和工廠員工，甚至我們家人和朋友身上，他們也會有同樣感受，甚至加倍難受。不要忘了，我們接觸的是渴望贊美的人。贊美是所有人都喜歡的一種合情合理的美德。

在你每天的生活之旅中，要努力留下贊美的溫馨。你將驚訝地發現，這一點小火花會點燃友誼的火焰，當你下次再訪時就會看見其痕跡。

康涅狄格州新費爾菲爾德市的帕米拉·杜哈姆的職責之一，便是監督一位可憐的看門員的工作。其他員工總是譏諷他，在過道里亂扔東西，讓他知道他的工作多么下賤。這對他來說太慘了，大好時光被耗費在了商場里。

帕米拉試了各種辦法去激勵這個人，都徒勞無功。她注意到他偶爾也會做一件非常出色的事情，于是她立即就此當眾表揚了他。自此，他每天的工作都干得更好了，不久他所有的工作都非常有效率。現在他干的是一份優秀的工作，其他人都會給他贊美和認可。真誠的贊美所獲得的結果是批評和嘲笑所難以達到的。

傷害別人不僅不能改變他們，更不能鼓舞他們。下面是一則古老的格言，我

criticism and ridicule failed.

Hurting people not only does not change them, it is never called for. There is an old saying that I have cut out and pasted on my mirror where I cannot help but see it every day:

I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.

Emerson said:“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”

If that was true of Emerson, isn't it likely to be a thousand times more true of you and me? Let's cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants. Let's try to figure out the other person's good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation.Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,” and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime—repeat them years after you have forgotten them.

Principle 2：Give honest and sincere appreciation.

剪下來貼在鏡子上，這樣每天都能看見：

人生只有一次，所以，任何能奉獻出來的美德和善行，現在就要去做。不要遲緩，不要忘記，因為人生只有一次。

愛默生說：“凡是我所遇見的人，都在某方面比我強。在這方面，我應該向他學習。”

愛默生都尚且如此，那么對你我來說不更應該這樣去做嗎？我們先別忙著表述自己的功績和自己的需要。讓我們先看看別人的優點，然后拋棄恭維，給人以真摯誠懇的贊美吧。“誠于嘉許，寬于稱道”，那么人們將視你的每一句話為珍寶，終身不忘——即使你自己早已經忘到九霄云外了，但別人仍然會銘記在心。

第二項規則：給予真摯誠懇的贊美。