on a bus a man discovered a pickpocket's hand thrust into his pocket.

“sorry，” he said to the pickpocket，“you are too late. My wife did it before you.”

你太晚了

在公共汽車上，有個人發現小偷把手伸到了他的口袋里。

“對不起，”他對小偷說，“你太晚了，我妻子在你之前就做過同樣的事情了?！?

It was the Christmas season and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner，“What is your offense？”

“I did my Christmas shopping early this year，” cried the prisoner.

“There's nothing wrong with that，” said the Judge. “How early were you doing this shopping？”

“Before the store opened，” answered the prisoner.

圣誕佳節到來，法官心情愉悅地問犯人： “你做了什么壞事啊？”

“我今年圣誕節購物早了些?！狈溉嘶卮?。

“這么做沒錯啊”，法官說：“到底多早之前??？”

“商店開門之前?！狈溉舜鸬馈?

Problem with gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says，“Doctor，I have this problem with gas，but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact，I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.” The doctor says，“I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week.” The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor，” she says，“I don't know what the hell you gave me，but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly.” The doctor says，“Good！ Now that we've cleared up your sinuses，let's start working on your hearing.”

放屁的問題

有位小老太太去看醫生，她對醫生說：“醫生，我有愛放屁的毛病。其實也不是大問題，因為我放屁不臭而且沒聲音。事實上，自從我進了你辦公室后，已經放了至少20個屁了，但是你并不知道對吧，因為我的屁不臭，而且還沒聲音。”醫生說：“好的，我明白了。吃這個藥片，一天三次連續吃七天，下星期你再來?！币粋€星期后，老太太來了，“醫生，你到底給的我什么藥，現在我放屁還是沒聲音，但是怎么這么臭！”醫生說：“太好了！既然你的嗅覺正常了，我們開始治聽覺吧?！?

第一章 If life were like a computer

You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel. You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it！ You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings. You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy. You could click on “find” （Ctrl，F） to recover your lost remote control and car keys. To get your daily exercise，just click on “run”！ If you mess up your life，you could always press “Ctrl，Alt，Delete” and start all over！

假如生活是一臺電腦

你可以通過控制面板增加或者刪除一些人；可以把孩子放進回收站，然后在你喜歡的時候再還原；可以通過調整顯示器的設置讓外表更好看；可以在吵鬧的時候關掉音箱；可以點擊“搜索”找到丟失了的遙控器和車鑰匙；鍛煉身體的時候，點擊“運行”。要是你的生活一團糟，同時按下“ctrl，alt，delete”鍵，一切就會重新開始。

單詞&詞組

pickpocket [5pik7pCkit] n. 扒手，小偷

smell [smel] n.有難聞的氣味；氣味，臭味；嗅覺

silent [5sailEnt] adj.寂靜的，沉默的

as a matter of fact 事實上，其實

prescription [pri5skripFEn] n.藥方，處方

stink [stiNk] v.散發出惡臭，發臭味

now that既然

clear up 打掃干凈；治療，治愈；處理

control panel 控制面板

recycle [5ri：5saikl] v.使再循環，反復應用

display [di5splei] n.顯示，展示

mess up搞糟，陷入困境

知道不知道

英文的放屁有很多種說法，比較通俗的說法有fart，可用作不及物動詞和名詞。如果想文雅一點，比如有的小朋友喜歡把“放屁”說成“排氣”，那么英語里就可以說break wind，或者cut the cheese。此外，比較正式的用法還有expel gas ，pass gas等。

第一章 This is no time to be superstitious！

都什么時候了，還這么迷信！

Much worse

Policeman：Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch？

Man：If I had opened my mouth，they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.

那就更糟了

警察：有人搶你的手表時，你為什么不呼救呢？

男子：要是我張口的話，他們就會發現我的四顆金牙。那就更糟了。

Psychiatrist

Jerry went to a psychiatrist. “Doc，” he said，“I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed，I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy！” “Just put yourself in my hands for one year，” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week，and I'll cure your fears.”“How much do you charge？” one hundred dollars per visit.“ I'll sleep on it，” said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. “Why didn't you ever come to see me again？” asked the psychiatrist. “For a hundred bucks a visit？The bartender cured me for $10.” “Is that so！ How？” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed！ Ain't nobody under there now?。。　?

心理醫生

杰瑞去看心理醫生。“醫生，我有些不對勁。每次睡覺的時候，我都感覺有人在床下。我要瘋了！” “給我一年時間，”醫生說，“每周來三次，我會治好你?！薄霸趺词召M呢？”“每次一百美元?！薄拔視J真考慮的?！苯苋鸫鸬?。六個月后醫生和杰瑞在街上相遇了，“為什么你再也沒來呢？”醫生問?！耙淮我话賶K錢嗎？有個酒吧服務生收了十塊錢就把我治好了?！薄罢娴?？他怎么做到的？”“他讓我把床腿鋸掉。現在那兒沒人了！”

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first robber said，“I hear sirens. Jump！”

The second one said，“But we're on the 13th floor！”

The first one screamed back，“This is no time to be superstitious！”

兩個盜賊在一家旅館偷東西。第一個說：“我聽到警報響了，快跳吧！”

第二個說：“但是我們在13層??！”

第一個朝他大喊道：“都什么時候了，還這么迷信！”

A kid asked his dad，“Hey，Pop，can you write in the dark？” The dad answered，“Sure. What do you want me to write？” The boy said，“Your name on this report card.”

有個孩子問他爸爸：“嘿，爸，你能在黑暗中寫字嗎？”

爸爸回答：“當然。你要我寫什么？”

男孩說：“在這個成績單上寫你的名字?！?

A tricky girl said，“Mom，I got a one hundred in school today！” The mom replied，“Great，sweetie，tell me about it.” The girl reluctantly said，“Well，I got a twenty in math，a thirty in history and a fifty in spelling.”

一個狡猾的女孩說：“媽媽，我今天在學校得了一個100分！”

媽媽回答說：“太好了，小可愛。跟我說說情況?！?

這個女孩不情愿地說：“嗯，我數學得了20分，歷史得了30分，拼寫得了50分。”

單詞&詞組

rob of搶劫

shrink [FriNk] v.收縮；n.精神病學家；心理學家

charge [tFB：dV] n.收費

sleep on it把問題留在第二天解決，考慮一下

cure [kjuE] v.治愈，解決

siren [5saiErin] n.汽笛，警報器；（救火車等）響著警報器行駛

scream [skri：m] v.尖聲喊叫

superstitious [7sju：pE5stiFEs] adj.迷信的

report card 成績單

tricky [5triki] adj.狡猾的，機警的

sweetie [5swi：ti] n.戀人，愛人，糖果

reluctantly [r'lQktEntli] adv.不情愿地

知道不知道

13在西方是個不吉祥的數字，希臘神話說，在哈弗拉宴會上共出席了12位天神。宴會當中，一位不速之客——煩惱與吵鬧之神洛基忽然闖來了。這第13位來客的闖入，招致天神寵愛的快樂喜悅之神柏爾特送了性命。柏爾特死了，整個地球都陷入了黑暗和哀傷之中。從那一刻起，數字13便成了不祥之兆。

在圣經中也涉及到不吉利數字13，背叛耶穌的傳道者猶大是最后的晚餐中的第13個客人。因此在西方的大廈里通常沒有13層樓或者13號的門牌。有一部著名的科幻電影叫《第十三層空間》 （The Thirteenth Floor），影片里的那套虛擬系統就在公司的第13層樓，也許編劇意在反諷連這套虛擬系統或許都是根本不存在的。