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第14章 人的青春

Man's Youth

[美]托馬斯·沃爾夫/Thomas Wolfe

人的青春是件令人驚奇的事:它充滿苦惱和神奇,直到青春逝去,他才明白青春的真正內涵。青春是一個人不肯輕易失去的東西,每當他懷著無盡的悲痛和悔恨,親眼看著青春流逝,他一定會遺憾終身。但是對于青春的逝去,他又懷著一種憂愁而神秘的快感,即使有種魔力能讓他青春永駐,他也永遠不愿再次重新體驗。

這是為什么呢?因為在青春期,生命的奇異和苦澀表現得最為顯著。但是,這種生命的奇異和苦澀的本質是什么呢?它讓我們在年輕的時候帶著苦痛和喜悅,感覺如此強烈,如此難以形容。其本質就是:即便我們富有,卻很貧窮;即便權勢在握,卻一無所有;即便到處看著、吸著、聞著、嘗著這世上不計其數的財富和榮耀,以無可爭議的自信斷定這精彩人生的所有組成結構——最多的幸運、財富、人類生活中最美好快樂的生活——屬于我們——在我們準備一投足、一舉手、一開口的瞬間,就會立刻、馬上、永遠地歸我們所有——然而,我們感到能真正保留、維持、帶走和擁有的實際上什么都沒有。一切都過去了,沒有什么會持久不變:我們才把它放到手上,它就煙消云散,不復存在;魔鬼又開始吞噬我們的心靈;然后我們才看清自己,看清我們生命的方向。

年輕人強健、瘋狂、自信,同樣也會很失落。他擁有一切,卻無以致用,他永遠都靠著強健的體魄,對著心中的障礙知難而上;他是一股波浪,在無限的蒼穹下,在海洋中爆發自己的力量,他伸出手,去抓一縷著色的輕煙;他想擁有一切,渴求世間所有的東西,覺得自己有力量得到它們,結果卻徒勞無功。最后,自己的力量毀滅了他,自己的欲望吞噬了他,自己的財富讓他變得一貧如洗。在錢財和物質財富積累方面沒有規劃,到最后還是自己的貪婪打倒了自己——即便是米達斯國王的欲望與其相比,也顯得無足輕重。

當青春已逝,每個人都會懷著無盡的悲哀和遺憾回首那段生活,其原因也在于此。一個人自己荒廢自己的偉大天賦;自己有成就一切事業的能力,卻從未使用,知道了這一切,他就會感到更悲痛、更悔恨。

Man's youth is a wonderful thing. It is so full of anguish and of magic and he never comes to know it as it is, until it has gone from him forever. It is the thing he cannot bear to lose, it is the thing whose passing he watches with infinite sorrow and regret, it is the thing whose loss he must lament forever, and it is the thing whose loss he really welcomes with a sad and secret joy, the thing he would never willingly relive again, could it be restored to him by any magic.

Why is this? The reason is that the strange and bitter miracle of life is nowhere else so evident as in our youth. And what is the essence of that strange and bitter miracle of life which we feel so poignantly, so unutterably, with such a bitter pain and joy, when we are young? It is this: that being rich, we are so poor; that being mighty, we can yet have nothing; that seeing, breathing, smelling, tasting all around us the impossible wealth and glory of this earth, feeling with an intolerable certitude that the whole structure of the enchanted life—the most fortunate, wealthy, good and happy life that any man has ever known—is ours—is ours at once, immediately and forever, the moment that we choose to take a step, or stretch a hand, or say a word—we yet know that we can really keep, hold, take, and possess forever—nothing. All passes; nothing lasts; the moment that we put our hand upon it, it melts away like smoke, is gone forever, and the snake is eating at our heart again; we see then what we are and what our lives must come to.

A young man is so strong, so mad, so certain, and so lost. He has everything and he is able to use nothing. He hurls the great shoulder of his strength forever against phantasmal barriers, he is a wave whose power explodes in lost mid-oceans under timeless skies, he reaches out to grip a fume of painted smoke; he wants all, feels the thirst and power for everything, and finally gets nothing. In the end, he is destroyed by his own strength, devoured by his own hunger, improvised by his own wealth. Thoughtless of money or the accumulation of material possessions, he is none the less defeated in the end by his own greed—agreed that makes the avarice of King Midas seem paltry by comparison.

And that is the reason why, when youth is gone, every man will look back upon that period of his life with infinite sorrow andregret. It is the bitter sorrow and regret of a man who knows that once he had a great talent and wasted it, of a man who knows that once he had a great treasure and got nothing from it, of a man who knows that he had strength enough for everything and never used it.

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