‘人類生來孤獨，離開時也孑然一身’，‘人覺得孤獨是難免的’。在我目前短暫的一生中的太多時刻都時常覺得孤單。作為一個性格內傾，對社交場合感到恐懼的人，享受‘孤獨’本身似乎成了一節逃不過的必修課。這好像是一個很難的課題，畢竟人類歸根結底還是群居動物，我們需要一定的社交生活來維持基本的社會生存能力和需求；和大多數動物本性里自帶的對令人感到刺激愉悅的事物的情緒傾向相悖，這要求你在不同的環境中尋找內心的平穩和，有時候，冷靜。
我不敢說我對‘享受孤獨’這件事有什么樣深刻的見解，畢竟如果悲傷的孤獨一定要比個高下，那是沒有意義的。我小時候住在一個有很多親戚家人一起生活的大房子里，可惜的是其實我們之間只有血緣聯系，村子里僅有的十幾個同齡的孩子也幾乎不找我玩。好在比起和他們聊天，打紙牌游戲，我更喜歡尋找一件重復性動作的事情來消磨時間：比如攤在農村竹制的躺椅上，椅背溫柔又緊實地貼住我的腰背，竹條編制的枕頭涼爽又透氣。一晃一晃的，在吵鬧的房間外，頭頂是開闊的天，和煦的陽光打在茂密寬大輕薄的葉面上，投下一片柔和的光。在大自然的蟲鳴聲，風吹動草坪稻谷和樹葉的聲音的背景中，我的手中枯燥地重復著相同的動作，折出一筐又一筐的紙星星，想象著宇宙，想象著我成為各種職業的未來，想象身邊的綠植和我的對話，想象著籠子里母雞母鴨們的抱怨，想象著傍晚時分映著橙紅色的夕陽從土灶上的大鍋里飄出的充滿食物香氣的炊煙。。。那個時候的‘孤獨’，只是不那么合群，但仍然能將注意力集中在自己身上專心做一個自娛自樂的人。
后來去城市里上學，我最好的朋友們有他們各自更好的朋友。如果有聚會，我大概從來不是任何人的首選，但我很擅長自我和解，又或者只是麻木了。總之我知道，有時候和他人的相遇僅僅能代表短時間內的緣分。所有人大概率都只能陪伴我短到等我離世前回顧一生時都覺得或許微不足道的一段時間。但那會兒的我處于青春期，正是精神狀態多變，敏感多疑，極不穩定的時候，關于別人的動作細節我有時候會想太多，以至于別人還沒說完下一句話，我可能在腦子里已經想到了百里外的地方然后開始莫名其妙地開始生悶氣或者難過。為了解決這個問題，我試圖遠離這些讓我的大腦過分活躍的stimulis，我主動離開人群，去不同的圖書館尋找各種書籍，填補因為懼怕未知和突然的變化而做出傷害自己的行為的知識空缺。大概是從這個階段，我開始主動‘尋找孤獨’和‘獨處空間’，就為了與現實身體的存在割裂開，試圖從‘客觀理性’的第三視角分析解決我的問題和疑慮———就像自己當醫生給自己開藥方一樣
上了大學以后，我開始自己租房子住。在這個人生地不熟的國家，終于，在遇到我現在的室友后，我就像是抓住了救命稻草一樣，放下了常年在大洋上飄蕩時抱著的浮木，堅決的走上了岸，自暴自棄地放棄再向外踏出一步，從此便希望這輩子不再下島。他真的給了我很多精神上的支持，甚至于我好像在無意識中把掌控我靈魂的鑰匙種在了他身上。我們的作息很大部分是錯開的，尤其在開學兩周后大家的學習狀態逐漸步入繁忙，我在家的時間幾乎見不到任何一個人，失魂落魄的，時常感覺像漂浮在空氣中一樣空虛迷茫又怠惰。這種情況持續了將近一周后我不得不再一次被動接受我早就清楚的事情。但人是貪心的，一旦我得到過，再次失去就比原先就沒有更加痛苦。我第一次面對孤獨有了掙扎擺脫的意愿——我不想一個人面對唱歌有回音的空蕩蕩的房子，我不想一個人坐在可以同時容納10個人的餐桌旁點著一盞最暗的昏黃的燈吃飯，我不喜歡在生活的地方處處可見另一個我曾經對其有過依賴的人生活的痕跡，但我的周圍卻空空如也，只能對著微波爐和洗碗機講話。
坦白講我是一個沒有安全感的人，我在大多數情況下不相信別人會主動提供幫助——甚至提出這份需求是一件會令我覺得無助，有心理負擔和負罪感的事。看起來似乎于我的主題毫無關聯，但大概率因為我曾經遭受過的拒絕和‘不體諒大人/別人’的指責讓我至今不敢真正踏出那個禁錮我的不可見的圈，然而問題還得得到解決，于是我把自己分成了幾個人。生活中的我，搜集整理對應‘病癥’的我，沉穩分析冷靜的我，碎成水銀不斷逃避別人的觸摸和靠近的我，還沒長大，被幾個‘我’保護起來時不時提出一些孩子氣的請求也可以被滿足的我......這樣，我就有了最親近，最了解我，最愛我的家人們了，盡管她們有時面對一些事件也不太熟練。
像對待一件定價的商品一樣，評估，試圖把感受和情緒這種看不見摸不著的東西分解成一個個可測量的元素，尋找獲得支持和自我調節之間微妙的平衡，但愿在未來不知道什么時候會以何種方式找到我自己的那座小島——并成為自己的依靠。
“Human are born alone， and will be alone while leaving“，“Feeling loneliness is inevitable.“ I have felt lonely at times in too many moments of my short life so far. As someone whose MBTI always starts with I， enjoying 'solitude' seems to have become a compulsory course for us. This may seem like a difficult subject， after all， humans are ultimately social animals and need a certain social life to maintain basic social viability and needs; Contrary to the natural tendency of most animals to react emotionally to things that are exciting and pleasurable， this requires us to find inner peace and，sometimes，calmness in different situations.
I dare not say that I have any profound insight into the matter of“enjoying loneliness“，and， if the sad loneliness must be compared with other's， it is meaningless.
When I was young，I lived in a big house with many relatives and family members. Unfortunately，we were only related by blood， and the children of my age hardly came to play with me. Fortunately，rather than talk or play card games，I did prefer to find something repetitive to do: sprawled out on a rural bamboo chaise longue，the back of which is soft and firm against my lower back，the bamboo pillows cool and breathable. Creaking， outside the noisy room，overhead is the open sky and the warm sunshine gently enveloped me. In the background of nature's insects chirping，the wind blowing the sound of lawn rice and leaves，I imagine the planets in the universe changing，imagine my future as a variety of professions， imagine the dialogue between the green plants around me，imagine the complaints of the hens and ducks in the cage，imagine the orange-red sunset in the evening together with the food aroma raising up from the big pot on the stove... At that time 'lonely'，just not so 'into groups'.
Then I went to school in the city，and my best friends had even better friends. I've probably never been anyone's first choice if there's a party，but I'm pretty good at reconciling myself，or maybe just being numb. In short，I know that sometimes the encounter only represents the fate of a short period of time，and everyone can only accompany me for a short period of time that may be insignificant when I look back on my life before I die. However I was in adolescence when my mental state was changeable，sensitive，suspicious and unstable，and I would sometimes think too much about other people's detailed movements. So that before the next sentence was finished，I might have thought about a hundred miles away in my mind and then inexplically began to sulk or being sad. In order to solve this problem，I tried to stay away from these stimulis that made my brain overactive，and I went to different libraries to look for various books to fill the knowledge gap that I did harm to myself because of fear of the unknown and sudden changes. Probably from this stage，I began to actively seek“solitude space“ in order to separate myself from the existence of the real body，trying to analyze and solve my problems and doubts from the third perspective of“objective reason“
After I went to university，I started renting a house by myself. Perhaps it's the dependence on the people you know first after arriving in a completely unfamiliar environment. Finally， I put down the driftwood I had been carrying for years on the ocean and stepped onto the shore . Hoping never to leave the island again in my life. My roomate gave me so much moral support that I seemed to have unconsciously planted the key to my soul in him.
Most of our work and rest are staggered，especially after the first two weeks of school and everyone's study gradually became busy， and I hardly saw anyone at home. Once again， I had to accept what I already knew——but human are greedy，once I got it，losing it again is more painful than not ever having it . For the first time，I have the willingness to struggle in the face of loneliness - I don't want to face an empty house with echoing songs by myself; I don't want to sit alone at a table that can hold 10 people at the same time; I don't like living in a place where there are traces of another person whose life I once depended on while I'm surrounded by nothing but talking to the microwave and the dishwasher any more.
Frankly speaking，I am an insecure person. In most cases，I do not believe that others will take the initiative to offer help，and even asking for help is a thing that will make me have psychological burden and feel guilty. It seems to have nothing to do with my topic，but probably because of the rejection and the accusation of“inconsiderate adults/others“ that I have suffered so far，I dare not really step out of the invisible circle that imtains me，so - in order to solve the problem，I divided myself into several myself.
——And all I want for life is to find the balance between getting support and self-regulation in my own evaluation， lecturing and appeasement，and my own island somewhere maybe in the future.