From my discourse with Mr. Lloyd, and from the above reported conference between Bessie and Abbot, I gathered enough of hope to suffice as a motive for wishing to get well:a change seemed near, —I desired and waited it in silence. It tarried, however: days and weeks passed: I had regained my normal state of health, but no new allusion was made to the subject over which I brooded. Mrs. Reed surveyed me at times with a severe eye, but seldom addressed me: since my illness, she had drawn a more marked line of separation than ever between me and her own children; appointing me a small closet to sleep in by myself, condemning me to take my meals alone, and pass all my time in the nursery, while my cousins were constantly in the drawing-room. Not a hint, however, did she drop about sending me to school: still I felt an instinctive certainty that she would not long endure me under the same roof with her; for her glance, now more than ever, when turned on me, expressed an insuperable and rooted aversion.

Eliza and Georgiana, evidently acting according to orders, spoke to me as little as possible: John thrust his tongue in his cheek whenever he saw me, and once attempted chastisement; but as I instantly turned against him, roused by the same sentiment of deep ire and desperate revolt which had stirred my corruption before, he thought it better to desist, and ran from me tittering execrations, and vowing I had burst his nose. I had indeed levelled at that prominent feature as hard a blow as my knuckles could inflict; and when I saw that either that or my look daunted him, I had the greatest inclination to follow up my advantage to purpose; but he was already with his mama. I heard him in a blubbering tone commence the tale of how“that nasty Jane Eyre”had flown at him like a mad cat: he was stopped rather harshly-

“Don't talk to me about her, John: I told you not to go near her; she is not worthy of notice; I do not choose that either you or your sisters should associate with her.”

Here, leaning over the banister, I cried out suddenly, and without at all deliberating on my words-

“They are not fit to associate with me.”

Mrs. Reed was rather a stout woman; but, on hearing this strange and audacious declaration, she ran nimbly up the stair, swept me like a whirlwind into the nursery, and crushing me down on the edge of my crib, dared me in an emphatic voice to rise from that place, or utter one syllable during the remainder of the day.

“What would Uncle Reed say to you, if he were alive?”was my scarcely voluntary demand. I say scarcely voluntary, for it seemed as if my tongue pronounced words without my will consenting to their utterance: something spoke out of me over which I had no control.

“What?”said Mrs. Reed under her breath: her usually cold composed grey eye became troubled with a look like fear; she took her hand from my arm, and gazed at me as if she really did not know whether I were child or fiend. I was now in for it.

“My Uncle Reed is in heaven, and can see all you do and think; and so can papa and mama: they know how you shut me up all day long, and how you wish me dead.”

Mrs. Reed soon rallied her spirits: she shook me most soundly, she boxed both my ears, and then left me without a word. Bessie supplied the hiatus by a homily of an hour's length, in which she proved beyond a doubt that I was the most wicked and abandoned child ever reared under a roof. I half believed her; for I felt indeed only bad feelings surging in my breast.

November, December, and half of January passed away. Christmas and the New Year had been celebrated at Gateshead with the usual festive cheer; presents had been interchanged, dinners and evening parties given. From every enjoyment I was, of course, excluded: my share of the gaiety consisted in witnessing the daily apparelling of Eliza and Georgiana, and seeing them descend to the drawing-room, dressed out in thin muslin frocks and scarlet sashes, with hair elaborately ringletted; and afterwards, in listening to the sound of the piano or the harp played below, to the passing to and fro of the butler and footman, to the jingling of glass and china as refreshments were handed, to the broken hum of conversation as the drawing-room door opened and closed. When tired of this occupation, I would retire from the stairhead to the solitary and silent nursery: there, though somewhat sad, I was not miserable. To speak truth, I had not the least wish to go into company, for in company I was very rarely noticed; and if Bessie had but been kind and companionable, I should have deemed it a treat to spend the evenings quietly with her, instead of passing them under the formidable eye of Mrs. Reed, in a room full of ladies and gentlemen. But Bessie, as soon as she had dressed her young ladies, used to take herself off to the lively regions of the kitchen and housekeeper's room, generally bearing the candle along with her. I then sat with my doll on my knee till the fire got low, glancing round occasionally to make sure that nothing worse than myself haunted the shadowy room; and when the embers sank to a dull red, I undressed hastily, tugging at knots and strings as I best might, and sought shelter from cold and darkness in my crib. To this crib I always took my doll; human beings must love something, and, in the dearth of worthier objects of affection, I contrived to find a pleasure in loving and cherishing a faded graven image, shabby as a miniature scarecrow. It puzzles me now to remember with what absurd sincerity I doated on this little toy, half fancying it alive and capable of sensation. I could not sleep unless it was folded in my night-gown; and when it lay there safe and warm, I was comparatively happy, believing it to be happy likewise.

Long did the hours seem while I waited the departure of the company, and listened for the sound of Bessie's step on the stairs: sometimes she would come up in the interval to seek her thimble or her scissors, or perhaps to bring me something by way of supper-a bun or a cheese-cake-then she would sit on the bed while I ate it, and when I had finished, she would tuck the clothes round me, and twice she kissed me, and said,“Good night, Miss Jane.”When thus gentle, Bessie seemed to me the best, prettiest, kindest being in the world; and I wished most intensely that she would always be so pleasant and amiable, and never push me about, or scold, or task me unreasonably, as she was too often wont to do. Bessie Lee must, I think, have been a girl of good natural capacity, for she was smart in all she did, and had a remarkable knack of narrative; so, at least, I judge from the impression made on me by her nursery tales. She was pretty too, if my recollections of her face and person are correct. I remember her as a slim young woman, with black hair, dark eyes, very nice features, and good, clear complexion; but she had a capricious and hasty temper, and indifferent ideas of principle or justice: still, such as she was, I preferred her to any one else at Gateshead Hall.

It was the fifteenth of January, about nine o'clock in the morning: Bessie was gone down to breakfast; my cousins had not yet been summoned to their mama; Eliza was putting on her bonnet and warm garden-coat to go and feed her poultry, an occupation of which she was fond: and not less so of selling the eggs to the housekeeper and hoarding up the money she thus obtained. She had a turn for traffic, and a marked propensity for saving; shown not only in the vending of eggs and chickens, but also in driving hard bargains with the gardener about flower-roots, seeds, and slips of plants; that functionary having orders from Mrs. Reed to buy of his young lady all the products of her parterre she wished to sell: and Eliza would have sold the hair off her head if she could have made a handsome profit thereby. As to her money, she first secreted it in odd corners, wrapped in a rag or an old curl-paper; but some of these hoards having been discovered by the housemaid, Eliza, fearful of one day losing her valued treasure, consented to intrust it to her mother, at a usurious rate of interest-fifty or sixty per cent.; which interest she exacted every quarter, keeping her accounts in a little book with anxious accuracy.

Georgiana sat on a high stool, dressing her hair at the glass, and interweaving her curls with artificial flowers and faded feathers, of which she had found a store in a drawer in the attic. I was making my bed, having received strict orders from Bessie to get it arranged before she returned (for Bessie now frequently employed me as a sort of under-nurserymaid, to tidy the room, dust the chairs, &c.). Having spread the quilt and folded my night-dress, I went to the window-seat to put in order some picture-books and doll's house furniture scattered there; an abrupt command from Georgiana to let her playthings alone (for the tiny chairs and mirrors, the fairy plates and cups, were her property) stopped my proceedings;and then, for lack of other occupation, I fell to breathing on the frost-flowers with which the window was fretted, and thus clearing a space in the glass through which I might look out on the grounds, where all was still and petrified under the influence of a hard frost.

From this window were visible the porter's lodge and the carriage-road, and just as I had dissolved so much of the silver-white foliage veiling the panes as left room to look out, I saw the gates thrown open and a carriage roll through. I watched it ascending the drive with indifference; carriages often came to Gateshead, but none ever brought visitors in whom I was interested; it stopped in front of the house, the door-bell rang loudly, the new-comer was admitted. All this being nothing to me, my vacant attention soon found livelier attraction in the spectacle of a little hungry robin, which came and chirruped on the twigs of the leafless cherry-tree nailed against the wall near the casement. The remains of my breakfast of bread and milk stood on the table, and having crumbled a morsel of roll, I was tugging at the sash to put out the crumbs on the window-sill, when Bessie came running upstairs into the nursery.

“Miss Jane, take off your pinafore; what are you doing there? Have you washed your hands and face this morning?”I gave another tug before I answered, for I wanted the bird to be secure of its bread: the sash yielded; I scattered the crumbs, some on the stone sill, some on the cherry-tree bough, then, closing the window, I replied-

“No, Bessie; I have only just finished dusting.”

“Troublesome, careless child! and what are you doing now? You look quite red, as if you had been about some mischief: what were you opening the window for?”

I was spared the trouble of answering, for Bessie seemed in too great a hurry to listen to explanations; she hauled me to the washstand, inflicted a merciless, but happily brief scrub on my face and hands with soap, water, and a coarse towel; disciplined my head with a bristly brush, denuded me of my pinafore, and then hurrying me to the top of the stairs, bid me go down directly, as I was wanted in the breakfast-room.

I would have asked who wanted me: I would have demanded if Mrs. Reed was there; but Bessie was already gone, and had closed the nursery-door upon me. I slowly descended. For nearly three months, I had never been called to Mrs. Reed's presence;restricted so long to the nursery, the breakfast, dining, and drawing-rooms were become for me awful regions, on which it dismayed me to intrude.

I now stood in the empty hall; before me was the breakfast-room door, and I stopped, intimidated and trembling. What a miserable little poltroon had fear, engendered of unjust punishment, made of me in those days! I feared to return to the nursery, and feared to go forward to the parlour; ten minutes I stood in agitated hesitation; the vehement ringing of the breakfast-room bell decided me; I must enter.

“Who could want me?”I asked inwardly, as with both hands I turned the stiff door-handle, which, for a second or two, resisted my efforts.“What should I see besides Aunt Reed in the apartment? -a man or a woman?”The handle turned, the door unclosed, and passing through and curtseying low, I looked up at-a black pillar! -such, at least,appeared to me, at first sight, the straight, narrow, sable-clad shape standing erect on the rug: the grim face at the top was like a carved mask, placed above the shaft by way of capital.

Mrs. Reed occupied her usual seat by the fireside; she made a signal to me to approach;I did so, and she introduced me to the stony stranger with the words:“This is the little girl respecting whom I applied to you.”

He, for it was a man, turned his head slowly towards where I stood, and having examined me with the two inquisitive-looking grey eyes which twinkled under a pair of bushy brows, said solemnly, and in a bass voice,“Her size is small: what is her age?”

“Ten years.”

“So much?”was the doubtful answer; and he prolonged his scrutiny for some minutes. Presently he addressed me—“Your name, little girl?”

“Jane Eyre, sir.”

In uttering these words I looked up: he seemed to me a tall gentleman; but then I was very little; his features were large, and they and all the lines of his frame were equally harsh and prim.

“Well, Jane Eyre, and are you a good child?”

Impossible to reply to this in the affirmative: my little world held a contrary opinion: I was silent. Mrs. Reed answered for me by an expressive shake of the head, adding soon,“Perhaps the less said on that subject the better, Mr. Brocklehurst.”

“Sorry indeed to hear it! she and I must have some talk;”and bending from the perpendicular, he installed his person in the arm-chair opposite Mrs. Reed's.“Come here,”he said.

I stepped across the rug; he placed me square and straight before him. What a face he had, now that it was almost on a level with mine! what a great nose! and what a mouth! and what large prominent teeth!

“No sight so sad as that of a naughty child,”he began,“especially a naughty little girl. Do you know where the wicked go after death?”

“They go to hell,”was my ready and orthodox answer.

“And what is hell? Can you tell me that?”

“A pit full of fire.”

“And should you like to fall into that pit, and to be burning there for ever?”

“No, sir.”

“What must you do to avoid it?”

I deliberated a moment; my answer, when it did come, was objectionable:“I must keep in good health, and not die.”

“How can you keep in good health? Children younger than you die daily. I buried a little child of five years old only a day or two since, —a good little child, whose soul is now in heaven. It is to be feared the same could not be said of you were you to be called hence.”

Not being in a condition to remove his doubt, I only cast my eyes down on the two large feet planted on the rug, and sighed, wishing myself far enough away.

“I hope that sigh is from the heart, and that you repent of ever having been the occasion of discomfort to your excellent benefactress.”

“Benefactress! benefactress!”said I inwardly:“they all call Mrs. Reed my benefactress;if so, a benefactress is a disagreeable thing.”

“Do you say your prayers night and morning?”continued my interrogator.

“Yes, sir.”

“Do you read your Bible?”

“Sometimes.”

“With pleasure? Are you fond of it?”

“I like Revelations, and the book of Daniel, and Genesis and Samuel, and a little bit of Exodus, and some parts of Kings and Chronicles, and Job and Jonah.”

“And the Psalms? I hope you like them?”

“No, sir.”

“No? oh, shocking! I have a little boy, younger than you, who knows six Psalms by heart: and when you ask him which he would rather have, a gingerbread-nut to eat or a verse of a Psalm to learn, he says:‘Oh! the verse of a Psalm! angels sing Psalms;’says he,‘I wish to be a little angel here below;’he then gets two nuts in recompense for his infant piety.”

“Psalms are not interesting,”I remarked.

“That proves you have a wicked heart; and you must pray to God to change it: to give you a new and clean one: to take away your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”

I was about to propound a question, touching the manner in which that operation of changing my heart was to be performed, when Mrs. Reed interposed, telling me to sit down; she then proceeded to carry on the conversation herself.

“Mr. Brocklehurst, I believe I intimated in the letter which I wrote to you three weeks ago, that this little girl has not quite the character and disposition I could wish: should you admit her into Lowood school, I should be glad if the superintendent and teachers were requested to keep a strict eye on her, and, above all, to guard against her worst fault, a tendency to deceit. I mention this in your hearing, Jane, that you may not attempt to impose on Mr. Brocklehurst.”

Well might I dread, well might I dislike Mrs. Reed; for it was her nature to wound me cruelly; never was I happy in her presence; however carefully I obeyed, however strenuously I strove to please her, my efforts were still repulsed and repaid by such sentences as the above. Now, uttered before a stranger, the accusation cut me to the heart; I dimly perceived that she was already obliterating hope from the new phase of existence which she destined me to enter; I felt, though I could not have expressed the feeling, that she was sowing aversion and unkindness along my future path; I saw myself transformed under Mr. Brocklehurst's eye into an artful, noxious child, and what could I do to remedy the injury?

“Nothing, indeed,”thought I, as I struggled to repress a sob, and hastily wiped away some tears, the impotent evidences of my anguish.

“Deceit is, indeed, a sad fault in a child,”said Mr. Brocklehurst;“it is akin to falsehood, and all liars will have their portion in the lake burning with fire and brimstone; she shall, however, be watched, Mrs. Reed. I will speak to Miss Temple and the teachers.”

“I should wish her to be brought up in a manner suiting her prospects,”continued my benefactress;“to be made useful, to be kept humble: as for the vacations, she will, with your permission, spend them always at Lowood.”

“Your decisions are perfectly judicious, madam,”returned Mr. Brocklehurst.“Humility is a Christian grace, and one peculiarly appropriate to the pupils of Lowood; I, therefore, direct that especial care shall be bestowed on its cultivation amongst them. I have studied how best to mortify in them the worldly sentiment of pride; and, only the other day, I had a pleasing proof of my success. My second daughter, Augusta, went with her mama to visit the school, and on her return she exclaimed:‘Oh, dear papa, how quiet and plain all the girls at Lowood look, with their hair combed behind their ears, and their long pinafores, and those little holland pockets outside their frocks-they are almost like poor people's children! and,’said she,‘they looked at my dress and mama's, as if they had never seen a silk gown before.'”

“This is the state of things I quite approve,”returned Mrs. Reed;“had I sought all England over, I could scarcely have found a system more exactly fitting a child like Jane Eyre. Consistency, my dear Mr. Brocklehurst; I advocate consistency in all things.”

“Consistency, madam, is the first of Christian duties; and it has been observed in every arrangement connected with the establishment of Lowood: plain fare, simple attire, unsophisticated accommodations, hardy and active habits; such is the order of the day in the house and its inhabitants.”

“Quite right, sir. I may then depend upon this child being received as a pupil at Lowood, and there being trained in conformity to her position and prospects?”

“Madam, you may: she shall be placed in that nursery of chosen plants, and I trust she will show herself grateful for the inestimable privilege of her election.”

“I will send her, then, as soon as possible, Mr. Brocklehurst; for, I assure you, I feel anxious to be relieved of a responsibility that was becoming too irksome.”

“No doubt, no doubt, madam; and now I wish you good morning. I shall return to Brocklehurst Hall in the course of a week or two: my good friend, the Archdeacon, will not permit me to leave him sooner. I shall send Miss Temple notice that she is to expect a new girl, so that there will be no difficulty about receiving her. Good-bye.”

“Good-bye, Mr. Brocklehurst; remember me to Mrs. and Miss Brocklehurst, and to Augusta and Theodore, and Master Broughton Brocklehurst.”

“I will, madam. Little girl, here is a book entitled the‘Child's Guide,’read it with prayer, especially that part containing‘An account of the awfully sudden death of Martha G—, a naughty child addicted to falsehood and deceit.'”

With these words Mr. Brocklehurst put into my hand a thin pamphlet sewn in a cover,and having rung for his carriage, he departed.

Mrs. Reed and I were left alone: some minutes passed in silence; she was sewing, I was watching her. Mrs. Reed might be at that time some six or seven and thirty; she was a woman of robust frame, square-shouldered and strong-limbed, not tall, and, though stout, not obese: she had a somewhat large face, the under jaw being much developed and very solid; her brow was low, her chin large and prominent, mouth and nose sufficiently regular; under her light eyebrows glimmered an eye devoid of ruth; her skin was dark and opaque, her hair nearly flaxen; her constitution was sound as a bell-illness never came near her; she was an exact, clever manager; her household and tenantry were thoroughly under her control; her children only at times defied her authority and laughed it to scorn;she dressed well, and had a presence and port calculated to set off handsome attire.

Sitting on a low stool, a few yards from her arm-chair, I examined her figure; I perused her features. In my hand I held the tract containing the sudden death of the Liar, to which narrative my attention had been pointed as to an appropriate warning. What had just passed; what Mrs. Reed had said concerning me to Mr. Brocklehurst; the whole tenor of their conversation, was recent, raw, and stinging in my mind; I had felt every word as acutely as I had heard it plainly, and a passion of resentment fomented now within me.

Mrs. Reed looked up from her work; her eye settled on mine, her fingers at the same time suspended their nimble movements.

“Go out of the room; return to the nursery,”was her mandate. My look or something else must have struck her as offensive, for she spoke with extreme though suppressed irritation. I got up, I went to the door; I came back again; I walked to the window, across the room, then close up to her.

Speak I must: I had been trodden on severely, and must turn: but how? What strength had I to dart retaliation at my antagonist? I gathered my energies and launched them in this blunt sentence-

“I am not deceitful: if I were, I should say I loved you; but I declare I do not love you:I dislike you the worst of anybody in the world except John Reed; and this book about the liar, you may give to your girl, Georgiana, for it is she who tells lies, and not I.”

Mrs. Reed's hands still lay on her work inactive: her eye of ice continued to dwell freezingly on mine.

“What more have you to say?”she asked, rather in the tone in which a person might address an opponent of adult age than such as is ordinarily used to a child.

That eye of hers, that voice stirred every antipathy I had. Shaking from head to foot, thrilled with ungovernable excitement, I continued-

“I am glad you are no relation of mine: I will never call you aunt again as long as I live. I will never come to see you when I am grown up; and if any one asks me how I liked you, and how you treated me, I will say the very thought of you makes me sick, and that you treated me with miserable cruelty.”

“How dare you affirm that, Jane Eyre?”

“How dare I, Mrs. Reed? How dare I? Because it is the truth. You think I have no feelings, and that I can do without one bit of love or kindness; but I cannot live so: and you have no pity. I shall remember how you thrust me back-roughly and violently thrust me back-into the red-room, and locked me up there, to my dying day; though I was in agony; though I cried out, while suffocating with distress,‘Have mercy! Have mercy, Aunt Reed!’And that punishment you made me suffer because your wicked boy struck me-knocked me down for nothing. I will tell anybody who asks me questions, this exact tale. People think you a good woman, but you are bad, hard-hearted. You are deceitful!”

Ere I had finished this reply, my soul began to expand, to exult, with the strangest sense of freedom, of triumph, I ever felt. It seemed as if an invisible bond had burst, and that I had struggled out into unhoped-for liberty. Not without cause was this sentiment: Mrs. Reed looked frightened; her work had slipped from her knee; she was lifting up her hands, rocking herself to and fro, and even twisting her face as if she would cry.

“Jane, you are under a mistake: what is the matter with you? Why do you tremble so violently? Would you like to drink some water?”

“No, Mrs. Reed.”

“Is there anything else you wish for, Jane? I assure you, I desire to be your friend.”

“Not you. You told Mr. Brocklehurst I had a bad character, a deceitful disposition; and I'll let everybody at Lowood know what you are, and what you have done.”

“Jane, you don't understand these things: children must be corrected for their faults.”

“Deceit is not my fault!”I cried out in a savage, high voice.

“But you are passionate, Jane, that you must allow: and now return to the nursery-there's a dear-and lie down a little.”

“I am not your dear; I cannot lie down: send me to school soon, Mrs. Reed, for I hate to live here.”

“I will indeed send her to school soon,”murmured Mrs. Reed sotto voce; and gathering up her work, she abruptly quitted the apartment.

I was left there alone-winner of the field. It was the hardest battle I had fought, and the first victory I had gained: I stood awhile on the rug, where Mr. Brocklehurst had stood, and I enjoyed my conqueror's solitude. First, I smiled to myself and felt elate; but this fierce pleasure subsided in me as fast as did the accelerated throb of my pulses. A child cannot quarrel with its elders, as I had done; cannot give its furious feelings uncontrolled play, as I had given mine, without experiencing afterwards the pang of remorse and the chill of reaction. A ridge of lighted heath, alive, glancing, devouring, would have been a meet emblem of my mind when I accused and menaced Mrs. Reed: the same ridge, black and blasted after the flames are dead, would have represented as meetly my subsequent condition, when half-an-hour's silence and reflection had shown me the madness of my conduct, and the dreariness of my hated and hating position.

Something of vengeance I had tasted for the first time; as aromatic wine it seemed, on swallowing, warm and racy: its after-flavour, metallic and corroding, gave me a sensation as if I had been poisoned. Willingly would I now have gone and asked Mrs. Reed's pardon;but I knew, partly from experience and partly from instinct, that was the way to make her repulse me with double scorn, thereby re-exciting every turbulent impulse of my nature.

I would fain exercise some better faculty than that of fierce speaking; fain find nourishment for some less fiendish feeling than that of sombre indignation. I took a book-some Arabian tales; I sat down and endeavoured to read. I could make no sense of the subject; my own thoughts swam always between me and the page I had usually found fascinating. I opened the glass-door in the breakfast-room: the shrubbery was quite still:the black frost reigned, unbroken by sun or breeze, through the grounds. I covered my head and arms with the skirt of my frock, and went out to walk in a part of the plantation which was quite sequestrated; but I found no pleasure in the silent trees, the falling fir-cones, the congealed relics of autumn, russet leaves, swept by past winds in heaps, and now stiffened together. I leaned against a gate, and looked into an empty field where no sheep were feeding, where the short grass was nipped and blanched. It was a very grey day; a most opaque sky,“onding on snaw,”canopied all; thence flakes felt it intervals, which settled on the hard path and on the hoary lea without melting. I stood, a wretched child enough, whispering to myself over and over again,“What shall I do? -what shall I do?”

All at once I heard a clear voice call,“Miss Jane! where are you? Come to lunch!”

It was Bessie, I knew well enough; but I did not stir; her light step came tripping down the path.

“You naughty little thing!”she said.“Why don't you come when you are called?”

Bessie's presence, compared with the thoughts over which I had been brooding, seemed cheerful; even though, as usual, she was somewhat cross. The fact is, after my conflict with and victory over Mrs. Reed, I was not disposed to care much for the nursemaid's transitory anger; and I was disposed to bask in her youthful lightness of heart. I just put my two arms round her and said,“Come, Bessie! don't scold.”

The action was more frank and fearless than any I was habituated to indulge in:somehow it pleased her.

“You are a strange child, Miss Jane,”she said, as she looked down at me;“a little roving, solitary thing: and you are going to school, I suppose?”

I nodded.

“And won't you be sorry to leave poor Bessie?”

“What does Bessie care for me? She is always scolding me.”

“Because you're such a queer, frightened, shy little thing. You should be bolder.”

“What! to get more knocks?”

“Nonsense! But you are rather put upon, that's certain. My mother said, when she came to see me last week, that she would not like a little one of her own to be in your place.—Now, come in, and I've some good news for you.”

“I don't think you have, Bessie.”

“Child! what do you mean? What sorrowful eyes you fix on me! Well, but Missis and the young ladies and Master John are going out to tea this afternoon, and you shall have tea with me. I'll ask cook to bake you a little cake, and then you shall help me to look over your drawers; for I am soon to pack your trunk. Missis intends you to leave Gateshead in a day or two, and you shall choose what toys you like to take with you.”

“Bessie, you must promise not to scold me any more till I go.”

“Well, I will; but mind you are a very good girl, and don't be afraid of me. Don't start when I chance to speak rather sharply; it's so provoking.”

“I don't think I shall ever be afraid of you again, Bessie, because I have got used to you, and I shall soon have another set of people to dread.”

“If you dread them they'll dislike you.”

“As you do, Bessie?”

“I don't dislike you, Miss; I believe I am fonder of you than of all the others.”

“You don't show it.”

“You little sharp thing! you've got quite a new way of talking. What makes you so venturesome and hardy?”

“Why, I shall soon be away from you, and besides”—I was going to say something about what had passed between me and Mrs. Reed, but on second thoughts I considered it better to remain silent on that head.

“And so you're glad to leave me?”

“Not at all, Bessie; indeed, just now I'm rather sorry.”

“Just now! and rather! How coolly my little lady says it! I dare say now if I were to ask you for a kiss you wouldn't give it me: you'd say you'd rather not.”

“I'll kiss you and welcome: bend your head down.”Bessie stooped; we mutually embraced, and I followed her into the house quite comforted. That afternoon lapsed in peace and harmony; and in the evening Bessie told me some of her most enchanting stories, and sang me some of her sweetest songs. Even for me life had its gleams of sunshine.

自從跟勞埃德先生交談，聽到貝茜和阿博特的議論以來，我就漸漸有了足夠的希望，盼著好轉。一場變化好像就在眼前——我默默地祈盼和等待。然而，它遲遲不來。幾天過去了，幾周過去了，我已經恢復了正常的健康狀態，但我苦思冥想的那個話題再也沒有人提過。里德太太有時用嚴厲的目光俯視著我，但很少對我說話。從我生病以來，她已經把我跟她的孩子涇渭分明地隔開了，指定我獨自睡一個小屋，罰我獨自吃飯，整天待在保育室，而我的表兄妹們常常在客廳里。她沒有絲毫要送我上學的跡象，但我還是有一種本能的把握，她不會長期容忍我跟她同在一個屋檐下，因為她把目光轉向我時，眼神里越來越露出了一種難以擺脫、根深蒂固的厭惡之情。

顯而易見，伊萊扎和喬治亞娜是奉命行事，盡可能不對我多說話。每次看到我，約翰就伸舌鼓腮，有一次還想懲戒我，但因為我馬上跟他針鋒相對，怒火中燒、拼命反抗的情緒喚醒了我，先前就是這種情緒讓我義無反顧。所以，他覺得還是克制為好，就一邊辱罵，一邊從我身邊跑走，信誓旦旦地說我打爛了他的鼻子。我的拳頭的確瞄準了那個突出的器官，指關節盡可能握緊，用力出擊。當我看到這個動作或我的神情嚇住他時，我真想乘勝追擊，達到目的，但他已經跑到了他的媽媽那兒。我聽到他開始哭訴著編造說“那個惡毒的簡·愛”如何像瘋貓一樣撲向他，他卻被厲聲喝住——

“不要對我說起她，約翰。我告訴過你不要走近她，她不值得注意，我不喜歡你或你的姐妹跟她交往。”

這時，我傾身在欄桿上，突然不假思索大聲喊道——

“他們不配跟我交往。”

里德太太又矮又胖，但是，聽到這種不同尋常放肆無禮的宣告，她敏捷地跑上樓，像一陣旋風似的把我帶進保育室，把我壓倒在我的小床沿上，斷然質問我這一天剩下的時間還敢不敢再從床上爬起來，敢不敢再說半個字。

“里德舅舅要是活著，會對你說什么？”這幾乎是我不由自主的問話。我之所以說幾乎不由自主，是因為我的舌頭好像沒有經過意志的同意就吐出了這句話，這些話從嘴里說出來我控制不了。

“什么？”里德太太壓低聲音說。她平常冷漠鎮靜的灰色眼睛變得困惑不安，露出了恐懼般的神情。她松開那只抓住我胳膊的手，盯著我，好像真的不知道我是孩子還是魔鬼。我現在是一不做二不休。

“里德舅舅在天堂，你做什么、想什么，他都能看到，我的爸爸媽媽也能看到。他們知道你是如何把我整天關著，也知道你是多么盼著我死。”

里德太太立刻醒過神來，拼命搖晃我，打了我兩個耳光，然后一聲不吭地離開了我。貝茜喋喋不休說教了一個小時，補上了這個空當，毫無疑問地證明我是家里養大的最淘氣、最放縱的孩子。我對她半信半疑，因為我的確感到胸中洶涌奔騰的只有惡感。

十一月、十二月和一月上半月都過去了。在蓋茨黑德府，像往常一樣喜氣洋洋地慶祝圣誕節和元旦，相互交換禮物，舉行宴會和晚會。當然，每種享樂我都被排除在外，我的那份快樂在于目睹伊萊扎和喬治亞娜每天的裝束，看到她們身穿薄紗上衣，腰束鮮紅腰帶，肩披精心制作的鬈發，下樓走到客廳，隨后傾聽樓下彈奏鋼琴和豎琴的聲音，傾聽管家和仆人來來往往的腳步聲，傾聽上點心時杯盤磕碰的叮當聲，傾聽客廳門開關導致的斷斷續續嗡嗡嚶嚶的談話聲。當我聽煩了這種消遣，會離開樓梯頂，走到孤寂的保育室。那兒盡管有點兒悲哀，但我并不難過。說實話，我最不想去湊熱鬧，因為就是去湊熱鬧，也很少會有人注意我。只要貝茜仁慈友善，我認為跟她在一起安靜度過那些夜晚是一種享受，而不是在滿屋小姐、先生中間，在里德太太令人敬畏的目光下，度過那些夜晚。但是，貝茜一給小姐們穿好衣服，就常常離開，到廚房、女管家室這些熱鬧地方去，并且總是一路端著蠟燭。隨后，我把洋娃娃放在膝上，坐在那兒，直到爐火漸漸暗淡，我不時地環顧四周，想查明除了我自己之外，沒有更可怕的東西出沒這個影影綽綽的房間。等余燼變成暗紅色時，我就匆匆用盡力氣寬衣解帶，鉆進小床，躲避寒冷和黑暗。我總是把洋娃娃帶到小床上，人必須喜歡點什么，在缺乏更值得愛的東西時，我就設法在珍愛一個褪色布娃娃中找到樂趣，盡管它破舊得像一個小稻草人。想起我當時帶著何等荒謬的真誠寵愛這個小玩具，現在讓我迷惑不解，我有些相信它有血有肉有感覺。除非把它裹進睡袍，我才能入睡，當它暖融融安然躺在那兒時，我更為高興，相信它也會高興。

我好像要等很久，客人們才離開，然后等著聽貝茜上樓的腳步聲，有時她會在中間階段上樓來找頂針或剪刀，說不定會端上一個小圓面包或奶酪餅什么的作為我的晚飯——然后我吃時，她會坐在床上。我吃完后，她會給我掖好衣服，親我兩下，說：“晚安，簡小姐。”因此，貝茜溫和時，在我看來，她是世界上最出色、最漂亮、最善良的人。我最熱切地希望她永遠都會那樣和藹可親，從來不像慣常做的那樣把我推來推去，從來不罵我，從來不無緣無故責備我。我認為貝茜·李一定是一個很有天賦的女孩，因為她無論干什么都聰明伶俐，還有講故事的非凡本領。至少從保育室故事留給我的印象可以這樣判斷。要是我對她的臉龐和外表記得沒錯的話，她也非常漂亮。我記得她是一個身材苗條的少婦，烏黑的頭發、烏黑的眼睛、端莊的五官和光潔的皮膚，但她脾氣任性急躁，對原則性和正義感漠不關心。然而，盡管如此，在蓋茨黑德府，我最喜歡她。

那是一月十五日上午九點鐘左右，貝茜下樓吃早飯去了，我的表兄妹們還沒有被召到他們的媽媽身邊。伊萊扎正在戴著帽子，穿上暖和的園藝服，去喂她的家禽，這是她喜歡做的事兒，并不亞于把雞蛋賣給女管家，把因此所得的錢聚集起來。她有做買賣的本事，有顯著的存錢癖，不僅表現在出售雞蛋和小雞方面，還表現在跟園藝工為花莖、花籽和插枝拼命討價還價上。里德太太曾經吩咐園藝工，伊萊扎想賣掉的所有花圃產品，他都要買下來。要是能因此大賺一筆，伊萊扎愿意賣掉自己的頭發。至于她的錢，她起初用破布或舊鬈發紙包好，隱藏在偏僻的角落，但其中有些隱藏的東西被女仆發現了，伊萊扎害怕有一天丟失她貴重的珍藏，同意托付給她的母親，收取高利貸利息——百分之五六十，每個季度索要一次利息，同時把賬記在一個小本上，一分錢都不錯。

喬治亞娜坐在一只高凳上，對著鏡子梳理自己的頭發，把一些人造花和褪色羽毛插在鬈發上，這是她在閣樓的一個抽屜里存放的東西中發現的。我正在鋪床，根據貝茜的嚴令，我要在她回來之前收拾好（因為貝茜現在常常把我當成保育室的保姆，讓我收拾房間、撣去椅子上的灰塵等等）。我攤開被子、疊好睡衣之后，走到窗臺邊，整理好散放在那兒的一些圖畫書和玩偶家具，這時突然傳來了喬治亞娜讓我不要動她的玩具（因為這些小椅和鏡子、小盤和小杯都是她的財產）的命令，這使我停止了行動。于是，我沒有別的事兒，就開始向凝結在窗戶上的霜花哈氣，因此在玻璃上化開了一塊地方，透過這塊地方可以眺望外面的地面，那兒的一切在嚴霜的影響下都石化似的一動不動。

我從這扇窗戶望去，門房和馬車道清晰可見。我在蒙著好多銀白色霜花的窗玻璃上哈出一塊可以向外張望的地方時，只見大門呼地打開，一輛馬車滾滾而過。我漠不關心地望著它駛上車道，盡管馬車經常到蓋茨黑德府來，但從來沒有送來過我感興趣的什么客人。馬車在房前停下來，門鈴大作，新來的客人被請了進去。這一切跟我無關。茫然之中，我馬上被一種更活潑的景象吸引住了。那是一只饑餓的小知更鳥，小鳥飛過來，嘰嘰喳喳叫著落在窗扉附近靠墻的一棵無葉櫻桃樹的細枝上。早飯吃剩的面包和牛奶放在桌子上，我捻碎一小塊面包，正用力拽窗框把面包屑放到窗臺上，貝茜跑上樓梯來，奔進了保育室。

“簡小姐，脫掉你的連胸圍裙。你在那兒干什么？你今天早上洗臉、洗手了嗎？”我又拽了一下才回答，因為我想確保讓這只鳥吃到面包。窗框松動了，我撒出了面包屑，有些落在石頭窗臺上，有些落在櫻桃的樹枝上。隨后，我關上窗戶，回答說——

“沒有，貝茜，我剛剛才撣過灰塵。”

“你這討厭馬虎的孩子！你眼下在干什么？你臉色通紅，好像干了什么壞事，你剛才開窗干什么？”

貝茜好像匆匆忙忙，等不及聽我解釋了，省去了我回答的麻煩。她一把將我拖到洗臉架前，朝我的臉上和手上擦上肥皂和水，用一塊粗糙的毛巾用力搓，盡管狠心，但幸好時間不長。她又用一把粗毛刷刷了刷我的頭，脫下我的連胸圍裙，然后匆匆把我帶到樓梯頂，吩咐我馬上下樓，因為早餐室有人找我。

我本想問問是誰找我，想知道里德太太是不是在那兒，但是，貝茜已經走了，并關上了保育室的門。我慢慢地下樓，近三個月來，我從來沒有被叫到里德太太的面前。因為在保育室被關了那么久，早餐室、餐室和客廳對我來說都成了可怕的地方，所以我一進去就感到驚慌。

我現在站在空蕩蕩的大廳里，面前就是早餐室門。我停住腳步，嚇得渾身顫抖。那些日子里不公平的懲罰引起的恐懼使我變成了多么可憐的膽小鬼！我既不敢返回保育室，也不敢向前走到客廳。我猶豫不安，站了有十分鐘。早餐室猛烈的鈴聲使我做出了決定：我必須進去。

“誰可能會找我呢？”我一邊在心里問，一邊用兩只手去轉動硬邦邦的門把手，用勁轉了一、兩秒鐘都轉不動。“除了屋里的里德舅媽之外，我還會見到誰呢？——是男人還是女人？”把手轉動，門開了，我走進去，卑微地行了個屈膝禮，抬起頭，看到——一根黑柱！至少，乍一看，我覺得那個人一身黑衣，直立在地毯上，筆直狹窄的形狀就像一根黑柱。頂端那張陰沉的臉就像是一副雕刻的面具，作為柱頭安在柱身上。

里德太太坐在爐邊常坐的那個座位上，她招手讓我走近，我走近前來。她用這句話把我介紹給那個面無表情的陌生人：“這就是我向你提出申請的那個小女孩。”

他——因為是一個男人——慢慢地把頭轉向我站的地方，看上去兩只好奇的灰眼睛在一雙濃眉下熠熠閃光。他仔細打量了我一番后，用低沉的聲音嚴肅地說：“她個子小，幾歲了？”

“十歲了。”

“有這么大嗎？”他狐疑地反問道。他又仔細打量了幾分鐘。過了一會兒，他沖我問道——“你叫什么名字，小女孩？”

“簡·愛，先生。”

說完這些話，我抬起頭。在我看來，他是一個身材高大的先生，不過，那時我個子很小。他的五官碩大，五官和骨架上的所有線條都是同樣的粗糙和古板。

“啊，簡·愛，你是一個好孩子嗎？”

我對此不可能肯定回答，我那個小世界的人都持相反的看法，所以我沉默不語。里德太太意味深長地搖搖頭，替我作了回答，同時又馬上補充說：“也許這個話題說得越少越好，布羅克赫斯特先生。”

“聽到這么說，真遺憾！她和我必須談一下。”說著，他彎下直立的身體，坐進里德太太對面的扶手椅里。“過來。”他說。

我走過地毯，他讓我端端正正地站在他的面前。此刻，他的臉跟我的臉差不多水平，那是一張多么可怕的臉！多么大的鼻子！多么大的嘴巴！還有多么突出的牙齒！“一個淘氣孩子的樣子最讓人傷心，”他開口說道，“尤其是淘氣的小女孩。你知道壞人死后去哪兒了嗎？”

“他們下地獄，”我的回答既迅速又傳統。

“地獄是什么？你能告訴我嗎？”

“是一個火坑。”

“你喜歡掉進那個火坑，永遠在那兒燃燒嗎？”

“不喜歡，先生。”

“你必須怎么才能避免呢？”

我深思熟慮了一會兒，終于做出了令人不快的回答：“我必須身體好，才能不死。”

“你怎么能身體好呢？比你小的孩子每天都會死去。一兩天前，我剛埋葬了一個只有五歲的孩子——一個好孩子，他的靈魂現在上了天堂。你要是被召到那兒，恐怕就不能這樣說了。”

我無法消除他的疑慮，只好垂下目光，看著他那雙站在地毯上的大腳，嘆了口氣，盼望自己遠離。

“我希望你的嘆息是發自內心，希望你后悔不該給你那位大好的恩人帶來不快。”“恩人！恩人！”我心里說道，“他們都說里德太太是我的恩人，要是這樣，恩人就是一個讓人討厭的東西。”

“你早晚都禱告嗎？”盤問我的人繼續問道。

“是的，先生。”

“你讀《圣經》嗎？”

“有時讀。”

“高興讀嗎？你喜歡嗎？”

“我喜歡《啟示錄》、《但以理書》、《創世記》和《撒母耳記》、《出埃及記》的一小部分、《列王記》和《歷代志》的幾部分，還有《約伯記》和《約拿書》。”

“還有《贊美詩》呢？我想你喜歡吧？”

“不喜歡，先生。”

“不喜歡？噢，讓人震驚！我有一個小男孩，比你年齡小，他會背六首《贊美詩》。當你問他愿意吃姜餅還是背一首《贊美詩》時，他會說：‘噢！背《贊美詩》！天使們都唱《贊美詩》。’他還說，‘我希望做一個塵世間的小天使。’隨后，他會得到兩塊姜餅，這是對他小小年紀虔誠的報酬。”

“《贊美詩》沒意思。”我說。

“這證明你心眼邪惡，你必須向上帝祈禱改變它，送你一顆新的干凈的心，帶走那顆鐵石心腸，給你一顆血肉之心。”

我正要問他換心的手術怎么做，這時里德太太插話，吩咐我坐下來。隨后，她自己接著談了起來。

“布羅克赫斯特先生，我相信三星期前我在給你的信里明確表示過，這個小女孩完全沒有我期望的那種品格和性情。要是你允許她進洛伍德學校，我就會樂意請求學監和老師們嚴格監督她，尤其要提防她最壞的毛病，就是說謊的傾向。簡，我當著你的面說這件事，就是讓你不要再試圖欺騙布羅克赫斯特先生。”

我有理由害怕，也有理由不喜歡里德太太，因為殘忍傷害我是她的本性，我在她的面前從來不會高興。無論我怎樣小心翼翼言聽計從，無論我怎樣千方百計討好她，我的努力仍然受到排斥，得到的只是以上那些話。現在，她在陌生人面前，說出那種指責話，傷透了我的心。我模糊感到，她已經摧毀了我對新生活懷有的希望，這是她注定讓我進入的一種生活。盡管我不能表達自己的感情，但我覺得，她在我未來的道路上播著反感和無情的種子，我看到自己在布羅克赫斯特先生的心目中變成了一個刁鉆討厭的孩子，我還能做什么來補救這種傷害呢？

“的確沒有。”我一邊想，一邊盡力忍住哭泣，慌忙擦掉幾滴眼淚，那是我極度痛苦、軟弱無力的見證。

“在一個孩子的身上，欺騙的確是一種可悲的缺點，”布羅克赫斯特先生說，“它類似于說謊，所有的說謊者都有份落入燃燒著硫黃烈火的湖里。不過，里德太太，我們會監視她。我會對坦普爾小姐和老師們說的。”

“我希望要按照適合她前程的方式來培養她，”我的恩人接著說道，“使她成為有用的人，保持謙恭，至于假期，經你許可，她可以一直在洛伍德度過。”

“太太，你的決定是完全英明的，”布羅克赫斯特先生回答，“謙恭是基督教徒的一種美德，而且是特別適用于洛伍德學生的一種美德。因此，我吩咐要特別注重在學生們當中培養這種品質。我已經研究過如何最好地抑制他們世俗的矯情。就在幾天前，我得到了證明我成功的可喜證據。我的二女兒奧古斯塔跟她的媽媽參觀了那個學校，一回來她就大聲說道：‘噢，親愛的爸爸，看上去洛伍德學校的女孩都是多么文靜，多么樸素！頭發都梳到了耳后，戴著長長的連胸圍裙，上衣外面都有亞麻細布小口袋——她們差不多像窮人的孩子們一樣！還有，’她說，‘她們都看著我和媽媽的衣服，好像她們以前從來沒有見過絲綢衣服一樣。'”

“這種狀況我非常贊成，”里德太太答道，“就是我找遍整個英國，幾乎也難以找到一個更適合像簡·愛這種孩子待的機構了。持之以恒，親愛的布羅克赫斯特先生，我主張一切事物都要持之以恒。”

“夫人，持之以恒是基督徒的首要職責。跟洛伍德學校有關的各種安排都要遵守，簡單食物、樸素衣著、質樸住處、勤勞積極的習慣，這就是學校和寄宿者的一般日程。”

“完全正確，先生。那我可以相信這個孩子被收為洛伍德的學生，會根據她的地位和前途進行訓練嗎？”

“太太，你可以這樣相信。她將會被放在精選花草的苗圃里，我相信她會因無比榮幸被選中而心存感激。”

“布羅克赫斯特先生，那我會盡快送她來的，因為我確切告訴你，我覺得想急于放下這個令人厭煩的指責。”

“當然，當然，太太。那現在我要向你告別了。我要過一兩星期才返回布羅克赫斯特府。我那位當副主教的好友不會早早放我走。我會致信通知坦普爾小姐，又要給她送去一個女孩，這樣接收這個女孩就不會有任何困難了。再見。”

“再見，布羅克赫斯特先生，代我向布羅克赫斯特太太和小姐，向奧古斯塔、西奧多和布勞頓·布羅克赫斯特少爺問好。”

“我一定，太太。小女孩，這兒有一本書，書名叫《兒童指南》，禱告后再讀，尤其是含有‘敘述一個沉迷于說謊和欺騙的淘氣娃娃瑪莎·格——可怕暴死’的那個部分。”

說完這些話，布羅克赫斯特先生把一本裝有封皮的薄薄小冊子放進我的手里，拉鈴讓人備好馬車，就離開了。

只剩下了我和里德太太，默默地過了幾分鐘。她在做針線活，我在望著她。當時，里德太太可能有三十六七歲。她體格健壯，肩膀寬闊，四肢強壯，個子不高，矮胖結實，但并不肥胖。她的下頜過于發達，非常壯實，所以她的臉也有些大。她的眉毛低，下巴大而突出，嘴巴和鼻子足夠端莊；她淺色的眉毛下面閃動著缺乏同情的眼睛；她的皮膚黝黑灰暗，頭發接近亞麻色；她的身體非常健康——她從不染病；她是一位精明嚴謹的管理人員，她的家庭和財產租賃完全由她控制；只有她的孩子們偶爾會蔑視她的權威，嗤之以鼻；她穿著講究，她的儀態和舉止適合襯托漂亮的盛裝。

我坐在離她的扶手椅有幾碼遠的一只矮凳上，打量她的身材，仔細端詳她的五官。我手里拿著那本含有說謊者暴死的小冊子，他們曾把這個故事作為一種適當的警告，引起我的注意。剛才發生的情景、里德太太對布羅克赫斯特先生說過的有關我的話、他們談話的整個過程，都一一回響在我的耳邊，刺在我的心里，生疼生疼的。每句話我都聽得清清楚楚，我感到每句話都刺耳，此時我的內心燃起了怨恨之火。

里德太太從針線活上抬起頭來，目光定定地看著我的目光，手指同時暫停了飛針走線的活動。

“從這屋里出去，回到保育室。”她命令道。我的神情或別的什么想必使她討厭，因為她說話時盡管克制，但還是極其惱怒。我站起來，走到門口，又返回來，穿過房間，走到了窗邊，隨后靠近她。

我必須說：我曾被嚴重踐踏，我必須轉變，但怎么轉變呢？我有什么力量來反擊對手呢？我鼓起勁兒，直截了當地發起了反擊——

“我不騙人。我要是騙人，就會說我愛你，可是，我聲明我不愛你。除了約翰·里德之外，世界上我最不喜歡的就是你。這本有關說謊者的書，你可以送給你的女兒喬治亞娜，因為說謊的是她，而不是我。”

里德太太的手仍然放在她的活上一動不動，冰一樣的目光繼續冷漠地盯著我。

“你還有什么要說的？”她問。那種腔調是在對一個成年對手說話，而不是通常對孩子使用的腔調。

她的眼睛和聲音激起了我所有的反感。我激動得難以控制，渾身顫抖，繼續說道——

“我很高興你不是我的親戚。我這輩子再也不會叫你舅媽了。長大后，我也絕不會來看你。要是有人問我喜不喜歡你、你怎樣對待我，我就會說，一想起你，就使我惡心，你對待我卑鄙又殘忍。”

“你怎么敢下這種斷言，簡·愛？”

“我怎么敢，里德太太？我怎么敢？因為這是事實。你以為我沒有感情，我沒有一點愛或親情也能過，可是，我不能這樣生活。你沒有憐憫心。我會記住你怎么把我猛推回去——粗暴猛烈地把我推回去——推進紅屋，鎖在里面，到死都不會忘記。盡管我苦惱不安，盡管我一邊痛苦憋氣，一邊大聲叫喊：‘可憐可憐我！可憐可憐我吧，里德舅媽！’還有你使我受到的懲罰，因為你的壞孩子打了我——無緣無故把我打倒在地。無論是誰問我，我都要把這件事的經過告訴他。人們以為你是一個好女人，但你很壞，心腸硬。你才騙人呢！”

我還沒答完這個問題，內心就開始舒暢、歡躍。那是一種我從來沒有感到過的最奇怪的自由感和勝利感，一種無形的束縛好像已經沖破了，我爭取到了出乎意料的自由。這種情感并不是無緣無故的。里德太太一副恐懼的神色，針線活從她的膝上滑落，她舉起雙手，身體來回搖晃，甚至臉都扭曲了，好像她要哭了似的。

“簡，你弄錯了。你怎么了？你為什么顫抖得這么厲害？你想喝水嗎？”

“不，里德太太。”

“你想要別的什么嗎，簡？我確切告訴你，我希望做你的朋友。”

“你不會。你對布羅克赫斯特先生說我人品不好，生性騙人。我要讓洛伍德的每個人都知道你是什么人，都干過什么。”

“簡，這些事兒你不懂。孩子們有缺點必須糾正。”

“欺騙不是我的缺點！”我粗魯地高聲嚷道。

“可是，簡，你脾氣急躁，這你必須承認。現在回到保育室去吧——寶貝兒——躺一小會兒。”

“我不是你的寶貝兒，我不能躺下。里德太太，快送我去學校吧，因為我不喜歡住在這兒。”

“我真的要快送她去上學。”里德太太低聲咕噥著，收起針線活，突然走出了房間。

我獨自留在那兒——成了戰場的勝利者。這是我打過的最艱難的一仗，也是我獲得的第一次勝利。我在布羅克赫斯特先生曾經站立的地毯上站了一會兒，享受著征服者的那種孤獨。首先，我暗自微笑，洋洋得意，但是，就像加速的脈搏會減弱一樣，這種狂喜很快就平息了。一個孩子像我這樣跟長輩們吵架，像我這樣不受控制地發泄自己的怒火，事后會體驗到懊悔和寒心的痛苦。我在指責和威脅里德太太時，心里就像一片點燃的荒山野嶺，火光閃耀，來勢洶洶，但經過半小時的沉默和反思，我感到自己的瘋狂行為和我恨別人又被別人恨的處境凄涼時，內心的這片荒嶺的火焰熄滅了，成了一片黑乎乎的焦土。

我第一次嘗到了報仇雪恨的滋味，就像芳香四溢的美酒一樣，喝下時熱辣辣的，風味獨特，但過后回味卻有金屬的腥味，具有腐蝕性，就像中毒似的。此刻，我愿意去請求里德太太原諒，但我知道——一部分是出于經驗，一部分是出于本能——那樣做會使她更加憎惡和蔑視我，因此又會激起我本性中各種不安的沖動。

我樂意發揮比言辭激烈更出色的本領，樂意培養比憂郁憤慨更好的感情。我拿了一本書——是阿拉伯故事書，我坐下來，想盡力看，卻看不懂，自己的思緒總是游蕩在我和平常感到引人入勝的書頁之間。我打開早餐室的玻璃門，只見灌木叢一動不動，盡管風和日麗，但嚴霜卻覆蓋大地。我用衣服的下擺蒙住頭和胳膊，然后出去，走在一片非常僻靜的樹林里。但是，我發現在寂靜的樹木、落下的冷杉球果、被風吹成一堆現在又凍結在一起的黃褐色秋葉的凝固遺物中沒有任何樂趣。我斜靠在一扇大門上，望著快空蕩蕩的田野，那兒沒有羊群在尋食，那兒的短草凍壞變白。這是一個灰蒙蒙的日子，大雪前的天空極其混沌，籠罩了所有的一切，不時地落下一些雪花，落在堅硬的小路上，落在灰白的草地上，沒有融化。我站在那兒，可憐巴巴的，一遍又一遍地對自己低聲說道：“我怎么辦？——我怎么辦啊？”

突然，我聽到一個清晰的聲音喊道：“簡小姐，你在哪兒？來吃午飯吧！”

是貝茜，我一清二楚，但是，我沒有動。她輕盈的腳步順著小路輕快地走來。

“你這淘氣的小東西！”她說，“喊你，為什么你不來？”

跟剛才一直縈繞在腦海里的想法相比，看來貝茜的到來令人愉快，即使她像往常一樣有些生氣。事實上，跟里德太太發生沖突，并戰勝她之后，我不大在乎保姆暫時的憤怒，倒是在她朝氣蓬勃的輕松心情中感到舒適。我只是用胳膊抱住她，說道：“好了，貝茜！別罵了。”

這個動作比我習慣放縱的任何舉動都更直率大膽，不知何故，這使貝茜感到高興。

“簡小姐，你是一個奇怪的孩子，”她低頭看著我說，“一個獨來獨往的小東西。我想你要上學去了吧？”

我點了點頭。

“離開可憐的貝茜，你不難過嗎？”

“貝茜在乎我什么？她總是在罵我。”

“因為你是這樣一個古怪、害怕、羞怯的小東西。你應該更大膽些。”

“什么！是要多挨幾次打嗎？”

“胡說！不過，你有些受氣，這確定無疑。我的母親上周來看我時說，她不想讓自己的小孩子像你一樣。——好了，進來吧，我有一個好消息要告訴你，”

“我想你沒有，貝茜。”

“孩子！你這話什么意思？你盯著我的那雙眼睛是多么傷感！好了，太太、小姐們和約翰少爺今天下午都出去喝茶了，你可以跟我一起喝茶。我會請廚師給你烤一只小蛋糕，然后你要幫我檢查一下你的抽屜，因為我很快就要為你打點箱子。太太想讓你過一兩天離開蓋茨黑德府，你可以挑選自己喜歡的玩具帶走。”

“貝茜，你必須答應我走前不再罵我。”

“好，我答應。可要記住你是一個很好的孩子，不要怕我。我碰巧說話有些尖刻時，你不要吃驚，那很讓人生氣。”

“貝茜，我想我再也不會怕你了，因為我對你已經習慣了，很快就要怕另一群人了。”

“要是你怕他們，他們就會不喜歡你。”

“像你一樣嗎，貝茜？”

“我不是不喜歡你，小姐，我相信，我比其他所有人都喜歡你。”

“你沒有露出這一點。”

“你這機靈的小東西！你說話的方式完全不一樣了。是什么讓變得如此冒險和魯莽？”

“啊，我很快就要離開你，再說，”——我正要說我和里德太太之間發生的事兒，但轉念一想，我認為在那個問題上還是保持沉默更好。

“這么說，你高興離開我？”

“根本不是，貝茜，真的，眼下我有些難過。”

“眼下！有些！我的小姐說得多么鎮定！我現在敢說，要是我請求你吻一下，你就不會給我。你會說你寧愿不給。”

“我會吻你，而且非常高興。你低一下頭。”貝茜彎下腰，我們相互擁抱，隨后我跟她走進了屋里，感到莫大安慰。那個下午在平靜與和諧中過去了，到了晚上，貝茜給我講了一些最迷人的故事，給我唱了幾首最甜美的歌兒。即使對我來說，生活也還是有幾縷陽光的。