第4章　如何成為優(yōu)秀的談話家

最近，我參加了一次橋牌聚會。我不會打橋牌——恰好有一位美麗的女士也不會打橋牌。她知道我在羅維爾·托馬斯從事無線電行業(yè)之前曾經(jīng)擔(dān)任過他的助理。當時，我去歐洲各地旅行，幫助他整理即將播出的旅行演講。所以她說：“啊！卡耐基先生，你能不能將你所見過的名勝古跡告訴我？”

當我們在沙發(fā)上坐下的時候，她說她同她丈夫最近剛從非洲旅行回來。“非洲，”我說，“那可是一個非常有趣的地方！我總想去看看非洲，但我除了在阿爾及爾待過24小時外，沒有到過其他任何地方。告訴我，你是否到過野獸出沒的國度？是嗎？真是幸運極了！我太羨慕你了！請講講非洲的情況吧！”

這讓她說了45分鐘。她不再問我到過什么地方或看見過什么東西。她并不是想聽我談?wù)撐业穆眯校胍模且粋€認真的傾聽者，她可以借此機會講她到過的地方，以擴大她的自我感。

她很特殊嗎？不。許多人都是這樣的。

例如，我在紐約一位出版商舉行的宴會上遇到了一位著名的植物學(xué)家。我以前從來沒有和植物學(xué)家交談過，我覺得他具有極強的吸引力。我真的坐在椅子邊

experiments in developing new forms of plant life and indoor gardens（and even told me astonishing facts about the humble potato）. I had a small indoor garden of my own—and he was good enough to tell me how to solve some of my problems.

As I said, we were at a dinner party. There must have been a dozen other guests, but I violated all the canons of courtesy, ignored everyone else, and talked for hours to the botanist.

Midnight came, I said good night to everyone and departed. The botanist then turned to our host and paid me several flattering compliments. I was “most stimulating.” I was this and I was that, and he ended by saying I was a “most interesting conversationalist.”

An interesting conversationalist? Why, I had said hardly anything at all. I couldn't have said anything if I had wanted to without changing the subject, for I didn't know any more about botany than I knew about the anatomy of a penguin. But I had done this: I had listened intently. I had listened because I was genuinely interested. And he felt it.Naturally that pleased him. That kind of listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone.“Few human beings,” wrote Jack Woodford in Strangers in Love “few human beings are proof against the implied flattery of rapt attention.” I went even further than giving him rapt attention. I was “hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”

I told him that I had been immensely entertained and instructed—and I had. I told him I wished I had his knowledge—and I did. I told him that I should love to wander the fields with him—and I have. I told him I must see him again—and I did.

And so I had him thinking of me as a good conversationalist when, in reality, I had

上，靜靜地聽他介紹大麻、室內(nèi)花園，甚至廉價馬鈴薯的驚人事實。我自己有一個室內(nèi)小花園，他非常熱情地告訴我如何解決我的問題。

我已經(jīng)說過，我們這是在宴會中。還有十幾位其他客人，但我違反了所有的禮節(jié)規(guī)矩，沒有注意到其他人，而與這位植物學(xué)家談了好幾個小時。

到了深夜，我向眾人告辭。這時這位植物學(xué)家轉(zhuǎn)身面對主人，對我大加贊揚，說我是“最富激勵性的人”，我在某方面這樣，在某方面那樣……他最后說我是一個“最有意思的談話家”。

一個有意思的談話家？我?guī)缀鯖]有說什么話。如果我不改變話題的話，我也說不出什么來，因為我對于植物學(xué)的知識就像對企鵝的解剖學(xué)一樣全然無知。但是我做到了認真傾聽。我專注地聽著，因為我真的有了興趣。他也察覺到了，這當然讓他很高興。這種傾聽是我們對任何人的一種最高的恭維。伍德福德在《相愛的人》中寫道：“很少有人能拒絕那種隱藏于專心傾聽中的恭維。”而我卻比專心致志還要更進一步。我這是“誠于嘉許，寬于稱道”。

我告訴他，我已經(jīng)得到了極其周到的款待和指導(dǎo)——我確實感到如此。我告訴他，我真的希望自己能有他的知識——我也確實希望如此。我還告訴他，我希望和他一起去田野漫步——我真的希望是這樣。我還告訴他，我必須再見到他——我真的這樣想。

been merely a good listener and had encouraged him to talk.

What is the secret, the mystery, of a successful business interview? Well, according to former Harvard president Charles W. Eliot, “There is no mystery about successful business intercourse... Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that.”

Self-evident, isn't it? You don't have to study for four years in Harvard to discover that. Yet I know and you know department store owners who will rent expensive space, buy their goods economically, dress their windows appealingly, spend thousands of dollars in advertising and then hire clerks who haven't the sense to be good listeners—clerks who interrupt customers, contradict them, irritate them, and all but drive them from the store.

A department store in Chicago almost lost a regular customer who spent several thousand dollars each year in that store because a sales clerk wouldn't listen. Mrs.Henrietta Douglas, who took our course in Chicago, had purchased a coat at a special sale. After she had brought it home she noticed that there was a tear in the lining. She came back the next day and asked the sales clerk to exchange it. The clerk refused even to listen to her complaint.“You bought this at a special sale,” she said. She pointed to a sign on the wall.“Read that,” she exclaimed.“‘All sales are final.’Once you bought it, you have to keep it. Sew up the lining yourself.”

“But this was damaged merchandise,” Mrs. Douglas complained.

“Makes no difference,” the clerk interrupted.“Final's final.”

Mrs. Douglas was about to walk out indignantly, swearing never to return to that store ever, when she was greeted by the department manager, who knew her from her many

就因為這樣，我使他認為我是一個善于談話的人。可是說實話，我不過是一個善于傾聽的人，并鼓勵他談話而已。

成功的商業(yè)會談的神奇秘訣是什么呢？根據(jù)前哈佛大學(xué)校長伊利亞特的觀點，那就是：“成功的商業(yè)交往并沒有什么神秘的……專心致志地傾聽正在和你講話的人，這是最重要的。沒有別的東西會比這更使人開心的。”

這個道理很明顯，是不是？你不必去哈佛大學(xué)讀4年書才能領(lǐng)悟它。但是你和我也都知道，有的商人出重金租用豪華的店面做生意，櫥窗的設(shè)計也很吸引人，他們還不惜投入巨資做廣告，可是他們雇的卻是那些不知道做傾聽者的服務(wù)員——這些服務(wù)員甚至?xí)驍囝櫩偷恼勗挘瘩g他們，激怒他們，有的甚至還將顧客趕出店去。

芝加哥市一家百貨商場，由于員工不善傾聽而差點失去了一位常客，這位顧客每年都要在這家商場消費幾千美元。亨利塔·道格拉斯女士上了我們在芝加哥的課。她買了一件特價的衣服。可是買回家后注意到領(lǐng)子撕開了口，第二天她將衣服帶回百貨公司，要求售貨員換貨。可是售貨員卻不聽她說話。“你買的是特價衣服。”售貨員說，并指著墻上的標識說，“看，‘尾貨概不退換。’如果你買了，就自己留著。你可以自己把領(lǐng)子縫好。”

“但這件衣服是壞的。”道格拉斯女士說。

years of patronage.Mrs.Douglas told her what had happened.

The manager listened attentively to the whole story, examined the coat and then said, “Special sales are‘final’, so we can dispose of merchandise at the end of the season. But this‘no return’policy does not apply to damaged goods. We will certainly repair or replace the lining, or if you prefer, give you your money back.”

What a difference in treatment! If that manager had not come along and listened to the customer, a long-term patron of that store could have been lost forever.

The chronic kicker, even the most violent critic, will frequently soften and be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener—a listener who will be silent while the irate fault-finder dilates like a king cobra and spews the poison out of his system. To illustrate: The New York Telephone Company discovered a few years ago that it had to deal with one of the most vicious customers who ever cursed a customer service representative. And he did curse. He raved. He threatened to tear the phone out by its roots. He refused to pay certain charges that he declared were false. He wrote letters to the newspapers. He fried innumerable complaints with the Public Service Commission, and he started several suits against the telephone company.

At last, one of the company's most skillful “troubleshooters” was sent to interview this stormy petrel. This “troubleshooter” listened and let the cantankerous customer enjoy himself pouring out his tirade. The telephone representative listened and said “yes” and sympathized with his grievance.

“He raved on and I listened for nearly three hours,” the “troubleshooter” said as he related his experiences before one of the author's classes.“Then I went back and listened

“也一樣，”售貨員打斷說，“尾貨就是尾貨。”

道格拉斯女士正要憤怒地離開，發(fā)誓再也不光顧這家商場了。這時市場部經(jīng)理過來和她打招呼，他已認識她許多年了。道格拉斯女士講了事情的經(jīng)過。

這位經(jīng)理認真地聽了整個經(jīng)過，檢查了衣服，然后說：“特價品是尾貨，所以我們在季度末會處理一些商品。但這并不是說賣劣等品。我們當然會修好或更換衣領(lǐng)，或者如果你愿意，你可以退款。”

多么不同的處理呀！如果那位經(jīng)理不來傾聽，商場將會永遠失去一位長期客戶。

喜歡挑剔的人，甚至最激烈的批評，也常常會在一個具有忍耐心和同情心的傾聽者面前變得軟化——當怒火萬丈的尋釁者像一條大毒蛇張嘴咬人的時候，這位傾聽者應(yīng)當保持緘默。例如，紐約電話公司在幾年前不得不想辦法去安撫一位曾兇言惡語咒罵客服代表的顧客。他可是真的咒罵。他簡直有些歇斯底里，甚至威脅毀掉電話線路。他不僅拒絕支付某些不合理的費用，還寫信給各家報紙，并多次向公眾服務(wù)委員會投訴，好幾次向法院起訴這家電話公司。

最后，電話公司派了一位經(jīng)驗豐富的調(diào)解員去見這位暴怒的顧客。這位調(diào)解員只是靜靜地聽著，聽憑這位好辯的老先生大發(fā)牢騷。這位電話公司的調(diào)解員傾聽著，不斷說“是”，并同情他的冤屈。

some more. I interviewed him four times, and before the fourth visit was over I had become a charter member of an organization he was starting. He called it the‘Telephone Subscribers’Protective Association. I am still a member of this organization, and, so far as I know, I'm the only member in the world today besides Mr.—

“I listened and sympathized with him on every point that he made during these interviews. He had never had a telephone representative talk with him that way before, and he became almost friendly. The point on which I went to see him was not even mentioned on the first visit, nor was it mentioned on the second or third, but upon the fourth interview, I closed the case completely, he paid all his bills in full, and for the first time in the history of his difficulties with the telephone company he voluntarily withdrew his complaints from the Public Service Commission.”

Doubtless Mr.—had considered himself a holy crusader, defending the public rights against callous exploitation. But in reality, what he had really wanted was a feeling of importance. He got this feeling of importance at first by kicking and complaining. But as soon as he got his feeling of importance from a representative of the company, his imagined grievances vanished into thin air.

One morning years ago, an angry customer stormed into the office of Julian F. Detmer, founder of the Detmer Woolen Company, which later became the world's largest distributor of woolens to the tailoring trade.

“This man owed us a small sum of money,” Mr. Detmer explained to me.“The customer denied it, but we knew he was wrong. So our credit department had insisted that he pay. After getting a number of letters from our credit department, he packed his

“他繼續(xù)毫無顧忌地說了將近3個小時，”這位調(diào)解員在我的班上敘述他的經(jīng)歷時說，“以后我又多次去他那里聽他抱怨。我見過他4次，而在第4次訪問結(jié)束時，我已經(jīng)成為他正在創(chuàng)辦的一個組織的主要會員了。他稱之為‘電話用戶權(quán)益保障協(xié)會’。我現(xiàn)在仍然是這個組織的會員。然而，據(jù)我所知，除了這位老先生之外，我是這個組織在這個世界上唯一的會員。

“每次拜訪時，我都是傾聽他談話，并且贊同他的每一個觀點。他從來沒有遇到過電話公司的人像我這樣和他談話，這使得他變得幾乎友善起來。我在第一次拜訪中并沒有提到見他的目的，在第二次、第三次也沒有提到我的目的。但在第4次，我妥善處理了案件——老先生將所有的欠費都付清了，并使他自從與電話公司作對以來，第一次撤銷了向公眾服務(wù)委員會的投訴。”

顯然，這位老先生自認為是在為公益而戰(zhàn)，是在保護公眾的權(quán)利不被無情地剝奪。但實際上他是在追求一種自重感。他先是通過挑剔和抱怨來得到這種自重感。但是，當他從電話公司的代表那里得到了自重感時，他那并不真實的冤屈立即化為烏有。

好幾年前的一個早上，一位怒氣沖沖的客戶闖進了德第摩爾毛料公司——這家公司后來成了世界上服裝行業(yè)最大的毛料供應(yīng)公司之一——創(chuàng)始人德第摩爾先生的辦公室。

grip, made a trip to Chicago, and hurried into my office to inform me not only that he was not going to pay that bill, but that he was never going to buy another dollar's worth of goods from the Detmer Woolen Company.

“I listened patiently to all he had to say. I was tempted to interrupt, but I realized that would be bad policy. So I let him talk himself out. When he finally simmered down and got in a receptive mood, I said quietly，‘I want to thank you for coming to Chicago to tell me about this. You have done me a great favor, for if our credit department has annoyed you, it may annoy other good customers, and that would be just too bad.Believe me, I am far more eager to hear this than you are to tell it.’

“That was the last thing in the world he expected me to say. I think he was a trifle disappointed, because he had come to Chicago to tell me a thing or two, but here I was thanking him instead of scrapping with him. I assured him we would wipe the charge off the books and forget it, because he was a very careful man with only one account to look after, while our clerks had to look after thousands. Therefore, he was less likely to be wrong than we were.

“I told him that I understood exactly how he felt and that, if I were in his shoes, I should undoubtedly feel precisely as he did. Since he wasn't going to buy from us anymore, I recommended some other woolen houses.

“In the past, we had usually lunched together when he came to Chicago, so I invited him to have lunch with me this day. He accepted reluctantly, but when we came back to the office he placed a larger order than ever before. He returned home in a softened mood and, wanting to be just as fair with us as we had been with him, looked over his

“這個人欠我們公司15美元，”德第摩爾先生向我解釋說。“盡管這位顧客不承認，但我們知道他錯了。所以我們公司信用部堅持要他付款。他在收到我們信用部的幾封信之后，穿戴整齊地來到芝加哥，怒氣沖沖地闖進我的辦公室，說他不但不會付那筆錢，而且今后再也不會訂購德第摩爾公司任何貨物。

“我耐心地聽他說完一切。我好幾次都想打斷他，但我知道那只會弄僵，所以我就讓他盡情發(fā)泄。當他最后怒氣消盡，能夠靜下心來聽別人的意見時，我平靜地說：‘你到芝加哥來告訴我這件事，我得向你表示感謝。你已幫了我一個大忙，因為我們信用部如果使您不愉快的話，它也可能會讓別的顧客不高興，那可真是太糟了。你一定要相信我，我比你更想聽到這件事。’

“他大概怎么也沒有料到我會這樣說。我想他可能還會有一點失望，因為他到芝加哥來，本來是想和我大干一番的，可是我卻向他表示感謝，而不是和他爭論。我明白地告訴他，我們要勾銷那筆15美元的賬，并忘掉這件事，因為他是一個很細心的人，而且只是涉及這一份賬目，而我們的員工卻要負責(zé)幾千份賬目，所以和我們的員工相比，他不大可能出錯。

“我告訴他，我十分清楚他的感受，如果我處在他的位置，我也會和他的感受一樣。由于他不想再買我們的產(chǎn)品了，于是我給他推薦了其他幾家公司。

“以往他每次來芝加哥時，我們總是一同吃午餐，所以那天我照例請他吃午

bills, found one that had been mislaid, and sent us a check with his apologies.

“Later, when his wife presented him with a baby boy, he gave his son the middle name of Detmer, and he remained a friend and customer of the house until his death twenty-two years afterwards.”

Years ago, a poor Dutch immigrant boy washed the windows of a bakery shop after school to help support his family. His people were so poor that in addition he used to go out in the street with a basket every day and collect stray bits of coal that had fallen in the gutter where the coal wagons had delivered fuel. That boy, Edward Bok, never got more than six years of schooling in his life; yet eventually he made himself one of the most successful magazine editors in the history of American journalism. How did he do it? That is a long story, but how he got his start can be told briefly. He got his start by using the principles advocated in this chapter.

He left school when he was thirteen and became an office boy for Western Union, but he didn't for one moment give up the idea of an education. Instead, he started to educate himself. He saved his carfares and went without lunch until he had enough money to buy an encyclopedia of American biography—and then he did an unheard-of thing. He read the lives of famous people and wrote them asking for additional information about their childhoods. He was a good listener. He asked famous people to tell him more about themselves. He wrote General James A.Garfield, who was then running for President, and asked if it was true that he was once a tow boy on a canal; and Garfield replied. He wrote General Grant asking about a certain battle, and Grant drew a map for him and invited this fourteen-year-old boy to dinner and spent the evening talking to

餐，他勉強答應(yīng)了，但是當我們回到辦公室的時候，他訂了比以往更多的貨物，然后平心靜氣地回去了。為了回報我們?nèi)绱藢捄竦貙Υ麢z查了他的賬單，找到了一張他以前放錯了地方的賬單。于是，他給我們公司寄來了一張支票，并表達了他的歉意。

“后來，他的妻子生了一個男孩，他為他的兒子取名德第摩爾。他一直是我們公司的朋友和顧客，直到22年后去世。”

多年前，有一個貧困的荷蘭移民少年，他每天都在放學(xué)后為一個面包店擦窗戶，好掙點錢養(yǎng)家。他家非常貧困，因此他每天都必須挎上一個籃子，去街上拾運煤車送煤時落在溝里的碎煤塊。這個孩子名叫巴克，一生只在學(xué)校讀過6年書，但他最后竟成為美國新聞界有史以來最成功的雜志編輯之一。他是怎么做的呢？說來話長，但關(guān)于他是如何開始的可以做個簡單的介紹。他正是利用本章所提出的原則而走向成功的。

巴克13歲就離開了學(xué)校，去西聯(lián)公司做了一名童工，但他從來都沒有放棄過求學(xué)的念頭。他開始自學(xué)。他平時不坐車，不吃午飯，最后用省下來的錢買了一部《美國名人傳記大全》——然后他做了一件人們未曾聽說過的事情。他讀了這些名人傳記后，開始給他們寫信，請求得到他們童年時代的補充材料。他是一個善于傾聽的人，他懇請這些名人談?wù)撍麄冏约骸Ｋ纸o當時正在競選總統(tǒng)的加飛

him.

Soon our Western Union messenger boy was corresponding with many of the most famous people in the nation: Ralph Waldo Emerson, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Longfellow, Mrs. Abraham Lincoln, Louisa May Alcott, General Sherman and Jefferson Davis. Not only did he correspond with these distinguished people, but as soon as he got a vacation, he visited many of them as a welcome guest in their homes. This experience imbued him with a confidence that was invaluable. These men and women fired him with a vision and ambition that shaped his life. And all this, let me repeat, was made possible solely by the application of the principles we are discussing here.

Isaac F. Marcosson, a journalist who interviewed hundreds of celebrities, declared that many people fail to make a favorable impression because they don't listen attentively.“They have been so much concerned with what they are going to say next that they do not keep their ears open... Very important people have told me that they prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to listen seems rarer than almost any other good trait.”

And not only important personages crave a good listener, but ordinary folk do too. As the Reader's Digest once said, “Many persons call a doctor when all they want is an audience.”

During the darkest hours of the Civil War, Lincoln wrote to an old friend in Springfield, Illinois, asking him to come to Washington. Lincoln said he had some problems he wanted to discuss with him. The old neighbor called at the White

大將寫信，問他以前是否真的在一條運河上當過纖夫，加飛給他回了信。他還給格蘭特將軍寫信，詢問某一次戰(zhàn)役的有關(guān)情況，格蘭特將軍為他畫了一張地圖，并邀請這位14歲的少年和他共進晚餐，和他談了整整一晚上。

不久，這位西聯(lián)公司的信童便和國內(nèi)最著名的人通起信來：愛默生、溫德勒·霍爾摩斯、朗費羅、林肯夫人、露易莎·奧爾科特、謝爾曼將軍和杰弗遜·戴維斯。他不僅和這些著名人士通信，而且一到休息日或節(jié)假日就去拜訪他們中的許多人，成了他們家中受歡迎的客人。這些經(jīng)歷使他培養(yǎng)出一種價值連城的自信心。這些著名人士激發(fā)了他的理想和志向，改變了他的人生。而所有這一切，讓我再說一遍吧，都只是因為實行了我們在本章所討論的原則而成為可能。

馬可遜訪問過幾百位著名人物。他說許多人之所以不能給別人留下良好的印象，就是因為他們不注意傾聽。“他們極其關(guān)心的是他們自己下面要說什么，他們從來都不會側(cè)耳傾聽……許多名人曾告訴我，和善于談話者相比，他們更喜歡善于傾聽者。但是，善于傾聽的能力好像比任何其他能力都要少。”

不僅僅是重要人物愿意和善于傾聽的人打交道，就連普通人也不例外。這正像《讀者文摘》中曾說過的：“許多人去看醫(yī)生，他們需要的不過是一個善于傾聽的人。”

在美國內(nèi)戰(zhàn)最激烈的時候，林肯寫信給在伊利諾伊州斯普林菲爾德鎮(zhèn)的一位朋友，請他來華盛頓。林肯說他想和他探討一些問題。這位老朋友到了白宮，

House, and Lincoln talked to him for hours about the advisability of issuing a proclamation freeing the slaves.Lincoln went over all the arguments for and against such a move, and then read letters and newspaper articles, some denouncing him for not freeing the slaves and others denouncing him for fear he was going to free them. After talking for hours, Lincoln shook hands with his old neighbor, said good night, and sent him back to Illinois without even asking for his opinion.Lincoln had done all the talking himself. That seemed to clarify his mind.“He seemed to feel easier after that talk,” the old friend said.Lincoln hadn't wanted advice. He had wanted merely a friendly, sympathetic listener to whom he could unburden himself. That's what we all want when we are in trouble. That is frequently all the irritated customer wants, and the dissatisfied employee or the hurt friend.

If you want to know how to make people shun you and laugh at you behind your back and even despise you, here is the recipe: Never listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself. If you have an idea while the other person is talking, don't wait for him or her to finish, bust right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence.

Do you know people like that? I do, unfortunately; and the astonishing part of it is that some of them are prominent.

Bores, that is all they are—bores intoxicated with their own egos, drunk with a sense of their own importance.

People who talk only of themselves think only of themselves. And “those people who think only of themselves,” Dr.Nicholas Murray Butler, longtime president of Columbia

于是林肯就關(guān)于解放黑奴是否合適這個問題，和他談了好幾個小時。林肯詳細分析了贊成或反對這項措施的各種觀點，又讀了一些信件及報紙上的文章——其中有的譴責(zé)他不解放黑奴，但也有的譴責(zé)他要解放黑奴。談?wù)搸讉€小時之后，林肯與這位老朋友握了握手，說了聲“晚安”之后，就派人將他送回了伊利諾伊，竟然沒有征求他的意見。所有的話都是林肯一個人說的，似乎這樣才能使他平靜下來。“談完之后，他似乎稍稍感到舒適些。”這位老朋友說。林肯并不想要建議。林肯所需要的只是一位友善的、同情的傾聽者，使他可以宣泄內(nèi)心的苦悶——而這正是我們每個人在困難中都需要的，這也正是那些憤怒的顧客所需要的，不滿意的雇員、傷感的朋友也都是這樣。

如果你想知道如何讓別人躲避你，在背后譏笑你，甚至輕視你，這里就有一個好方法，那就是永遠不要長時間地傾聽別人談話，而是不斷地談?wù)撃阕约海绻阍趧e人談話過程中有了一個想法，大可不必等他說完，只要立即插嘴說你自己的事情，就可以讓他住口。

你認識這種人嗎？不幸得很，我認識，但最讓人感到震驚的是，他們中一些人還是知名人士。

他們正是那種令人厭惡的人——被他們的自私及他們的自重感所麻醉了的、令人厭惡的人。

一心只談自己的人只會為自己著想。而“只為自己著想的人，”哥倫比亞

University, said, “are hopelessly uneducated. They are not educated,” said Dr. Butler, “no matter how instructed they may be.”

So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested.Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering.Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.

Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. A person's toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people. A boil on one's neck interests one more than forty earthquakes in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a conversation.

Principle 4：Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

大學(xué)校長巴德勒博士說，“是無可救藥的，也是不可教育的。”巴德勒博士說，“無論他接受過什么樣的教育。”

所以，如果你希望成為一個善于談話的人，就要做一個善于傾聽的人。要使別人對你感興趣，首先就要對別人感興趣。不妨問問別人喜歡回答的問題，鼓勵他們開口談他們自己以及他們所取得的成就。

要記住，那個正在與你談話的人對他自己、他的需要、他的問題比對你及你的問題感興趣超過上百倍。一個人的牙痛對他來說，比中國死亡百萬人的災(zāi)難還重要；一個人對自己脖子上一點癢癢的在意也要遠遠超過對非洲40次地震的關(guān)注。在你下次開始談話的時候，請不要忘了這一點。

第四項規(guī)則：做一個善于傾聽的人，鼓勵別人談?wù)撍麄冏约骸?/p>