If you give me your attention I will tell you what I am:

I'm a genuine philanthropist all other kinds are sham.

Each little fault of temper and each social defect In my erring fellow-creatures I endeavour to correct.

To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise;I love my fellow-creatures I do all the good I can Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!

And I can't think why!

To compliments inflated I've a withering reply And vanity I always do my best to mortify;A charitable action I can skilfully dissect;And interested motives I'm delighted to detect.

I know everybody's income and what everybody earns And I carefully compare it with the income-tax returns;But to benefit humanity however much I plan Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!

And I can't think why!

I'm sure I'm no ascetic I'm as pleasant as can be;You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee;I've an irritating chuckle I've a celebrated sneer I've an entertaining snigger I've a fascinating leer;To everybody's prejudice I know a thing or two;I can tell a woman's age in half a minute and I do But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!

And I can't think why!