第1章　要想采蜜，就不要踢翻蜂巢

1931年5月7日，在紐約市發(fā)生了一場有史以來最讓人震驚的剿匪事件。經(jīng)過好幾個星期的偵察，“雙槍手”科洛雷——一個煙酒不沾的兇手——陷入了重圍，被包圍在西尾街他情人的公寓中。

150名警察和偵探包圍了他在頂樓的藏身之處。他們在屋頂上打了個洞，試圖使用催淚瓦斯將這位“殺害警察的人”熏出來。然后他們在四周的建筑物上架起了機(jī)關(guān)槍，在一個多小時里，在紐約這個環(huán)境優(yōu)美的住宅小區(qū)中，手槍和機(jī)關(guān)槍聲持續(xù)不斷。科洛雷躲在一張堆滿了雜物的椅子后面，不斷地向警察開火。一萬多名驚恐萬狀的老百姓目擊了這場槍戰(zhàn)。在紐約的人行道上還從來沒有出現(xiàn)過這種情況。

在科洛雷被抓到的時候，警察總監(jiān)馬洛尼說：這位暴徒是紐約有史以來最危險的罪犯之一。“他殺人，”總監(jiān)說，“連眼睛都不眨一下。”

但是“雙槍手”科洛雷又是如何看待自己的呢？這一點(diǎn)我們已經(jīng)知道了，因?yàn)樵诰斐墓㈤_火的時候，他寫了一封公開信。在寫這封信時，鮮血從他的傷口涌了出來，染紅了信紙。他在信中說：“在我的衣服之下是一顆疲憊的

do nobody any harm.”

A short time before this, Crowley had been having a necking party with his girl friend on a country road out on Long Island. Suddenly a policeman walked up to the car and said, “Let me see your license.”

Without saying a word, Crowley drew his gun and cut the policeman down with a shower of lead. As the dying officer fell, Crowley leaped out of the car, grabbed the officer's revolver, and fired another bullet into the prostrate body. And that was the killer who said, “Under my coat is a weary heart, but a kind one—one that would do nobody any harm.”

Crowley was sentenced to the electric chair. When he arrived at the death house in Sing Sing, did he say, “This is what I get for killing people”? No, he said:“This is what I get for defending myself.”

The point of the story is this, “Two Gun” Crowley didn't blame himself for anything.

Is that an unusual attitude among criminals? If you think so, listen to this:

“I have spent the best years of my life giving people the lighter pleasures, helping them have a good time, and all I get is abuse, the existence of a hunted man.”

That's Al Capone speaking. Yes, America's most notorious Public Enemy—the most sinister gang leader who ever shot up Chicago. Capone didn't condemn himself. He actually regarded himself as a public benefactor—an unappreciated and misunderstood public benefactor.

And so did Dutch Schultz before he crumpled up under gangster bullets in Newark. Dutch Schultz, one of New York's most notorious rats, said in a newspaper interview that

心，但這顆心是仁慈的——它不會傷害任何人。”

此前不久，科洛雷在長島的一條鄉(xiāng)村公路上和他的女友調(diào)情。突然有一個警察朝他的汽車走過來說：“讓我看看你的駕照。”

科洛雷二話不說就拔出了手槍，向那位警察連開幾槍。當(dāng)警察倒地之后，科洛雷跳出汽車，抓起警察的槍，又朝著俯臥的尸體連開數(shù)槍。這就是那位聲稱“在我的衣服之下是一顆疲憊的心，但這顆心是仁慈的——它不會傷害任何人”的兇手。

科洛雷被判坐電椅處死。當(dāng)他被押到星星監(jiān)獄死刑室時，他是否說過“這就是因?yàn)闅⑷硕玫降南聢觥蹦兀繘]有，他說的是：“這就是我為了保衛(wèi)自己而得到的結(jié)果。”

可見，“雙槍手”科洛雷并沒有覺得自己有任何不對的地方。

這是犯罪分子一種不尋常的態(tài)度嗎？如果你是這樣想的，請聽這段話：

“我將我一生中最美好的時光，都奉獻(xiàn)給了為別人提供輕松的娛樂，幫助他們得到快樂上。而我所得到的只是恥辱，一種被捕者的生活。”

這就是阿爾·卡普的自白。是的，他是美國最臭名昭著的公敵——一位橫行于芝加哥的兇狠的匪徒。他從不責(zé)怪自己。他真的自以為是一個對公眾有益的大好人——一個不被人們感激，反而被人誤會的大好人。

he was a public benefactor. And he believed it.

I have had some interesting correspondence with Lewis Lawes, who was warden of New York's infamous Sing Sing prison for many years, on this subject, and he declared that “few of the criminals in Sing Sing regard themselves as bad men. They are just as human as you and I. So they rationalize, they explain. They can tell you why they had to crack a safe or be quick on the trigger finger.Most of them attempt by a form of reasoning, fallacious or logical, to justify their antisocial acts even to themselves, consequently stoutly maintaining that they should never have been imprisoned at all.”

If A1 Capone, “Two Gun” Crowley, Dutch Schultz, and the desperate men and women behind prison walls don't blame themselves for anything—what about the people with whom you and I come in contact?

John Wanamaker, founder of the stores that bear his name, once confessed, “I learned thirty years ago that it is foolish to scold. I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence.”

Wanamaker learned this lesson early, but I personally had to blunder through this old world for a third of a century before it even began to dawn upon me that ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don't criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be.

B. F.Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it

蘇爾茲，紐約最臭名昭著的罪犯之一，當(dāng)他在紐瓦克被匪徒槍擊倒地之前，也是這樣的。在一次和新聞記者的談話中，他聲稱自己是一個對大眾有恩的人。而且他對此深信不疑。

就此問題，我曾和星星監(jiān)獄的監(jiān)獄長劉易斯進(jìn)行過幾次有趣的通信。他說：“在星星監(jiān)獄，幾乎沒有哪個罪犯會認(rèn)為自己是壞人。他們和你我一樣，同樣是人。因此他們會為自己辯護(hù)和解釋。他們會告訴你為什么他們必須撬開保險箱，為什么會扣動扳機(jī)。而且他們大多數(shù)人都有意識地以一種錯誤的邏輯來為自己的反社會行為作辯護(hù)，都堅(jiān)稱自己不應(yīng)該被關(guān)入監(jiān)獄。”

如果阿爾·卡普、“雙槍手”科洛雷、蘇爾茲以及監(jiān)獄中的那些亡命之徒，他們都毫不自責(zé)，那么我們所接觸的人又如何呢？

華納梅克百貨公司的創(chuàng)始人約翰·華納梅克曾經(jīng)承認(rèn)：“我在30年前就已經(jīng)明白，批評別人是愚蠢的。我并不埋怨上帝對智慧的分配不均，因?yàn)橐朔约旱娜毕荻家呀?jīng)非常困難了。”

華納梅克早就領(lǐng)悟到了這一點(diǎn)，但是我自己在這個古老的世界中探索了30多年，才有所醒悟：一個人不論做錯了什么事，100次中有99次不會自責(zé)。

世界著名心理學(xué)家史京納用實(shí)驗(yàn)證明，一只動物如果在學(xué)習(xí)方面表現(xiàn)良好就可以得到獎勵，要比學(xué)習(xí)不好就受到斥責(zé)的動物學(xué)得更快，而且能夠記住所學(xué)的東

learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior.Later studies have shown that the same applies to humans. By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.

Hans Selye, another great psychologist, said, “As much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation.”

The resentment that criticism engenders can demoralize employees, family members and friends, and still not correct the situation that has been condemned.

George B. Johnston of Enid, Oklahoma, is the safety coordinator for an engineering company. One of his responsibilities is to see that employees wear their hard hats whenever they are on the job in the field. He reported that whenever he came across workers who were not wearing hard hats, he would tell them with a lot of authority of the regulation and that they must comply. As a result he would get sullen acceptance, and often after he left, the workers would remove the hats.

He decided to try a different approach. The next time he found some of the workers not wearing their hard hat, he asked if the hats were uncomfortable or did not fit properly. Then he reminded the men in a pleasant tone of voice that the hat was designed to protect them from injury and suggested that it always be worn on the job. The result was increased compliance with the regulation with no resentment or emotional upset.

You will find examples of the futility of criticism bristling on a thousand pages of history. Take, for example, the famous quarrel between Theodore Roosevelt and President Taft—a quarrel that split the Republican party, put Woodrow Wilson in the White House, and wrote bold, luminous lines across the First World War and altered

西。進(jìn)一步研究還顯示，人類有同樣的情況。我們采取批評的方法并不能使別人永久改變，相反只會引起嫉恨。

另一位偉大的心理學(xué)家席勒也說道：“我們總是渴望贊揚(yáng)，同樣我們也害怕指責(zé)。”

批評所引起的嫉恨，只會降低員工、家人以及朋友的士氣和情感，同時指責(zé)的事情也不會有任何改善。

俄克拉荷馬州的喬治·約翰遜是一家工程公司的安全檢查員，其職責(zé)之一就是檢查工人在野外工作時戴沒戴安全帽。他說，每當(dāng)他看見工人不戴安全帽時，他就會以權(quán)威的口氣命令工人必須改正。結(jié)果工人很不高興，常常是他一走開，工人就會摘掉帽子。

他決定改變方式。當(dāng)他再次看到工人不戴安全帽時，就會問是否是戴帽子不舒服，或者是不合適。然后他又以愉快的口氣提醒工人，安全帽是保護(hù)他們不受傷害的，并建議工人在工作時戴上安全帽。這樣的效果大大增加，再也沒有抵觸或不高興的工人了。

批評毫無益處，你會發(fā)現(xiàn)這種例子在歷史上多得是。例如在西奧多·羅斯福和塔夫脫總統(tǒng)之間就有一場著名的爭論——這場爭論分裂了共和黨，使威爾遜入主白宮，并在第一次世界大戰(zhàn)中寫下了輝煌的一頁。讓我們來簡單地回顧這一情

the flow of history.Let's review the facts quickly. When Theodore Roosevelt stepped out of the White House in 1908, he supported Taft, who was elected President. Then Theodore Roosevelt went off to Africa to shoot lions. When he returned, he exploded. He denounced Taft for his conservatism, tried to secure the nomination for a third term himself, formed the Bull Moose party, and all but demolished the G.O.P. In the election that followed, William Howard Taft and the Republican party carried only two states—Vermont and Utah. The most disastrous defeat the party had ever known.

Theodore Roosevelt blamed Taft, but did President Taft blame himself? Of course not, with tears in his eyes, Taft said, “I don't see how I could have done any differently from what I have.”

Who was to blame? Roosevelt or Taft? Frankly, I don't know, and I don't care. The point I am trying to make is that all of Theodore Roosevelt's criticism didn't persuade Taft that he was wrong. It merely made Taft strive to justify himself and to reiterate with tears in his eyes, “I don't see how I could have done any differently from what I have.”

Or, take the Teapot Dome oil scandal. It kept the newspapers ringing with indignation in the early 1920s. It rocked the nation! Within the memory of living men, nothing like it had ever happened before in American public life.Here are the bare facts of the scandal: Albert B.Fall, Secretary of the interior in Harding's cabinet, was entrusted with the leasing of government oil reserves at Elk Hill and Teapot Dome—oil reserves that had been set aside for the future use of the Navy.Did Secretary Fall permit competitive bidding? No sir. He handed the fat, juicy contract outright to his friend Edward L.Doheny. And what did Doheny do? He gave Secretary Fall what he was pleased to call

況：1908年，當(dāng)西奧多·羅斯福總統(tǒng)走出白宮的時候，他讓塔夫脫當(dāng)了總統(tǒng)，自己則去非洲獵獅。當(dāng)他回來的時候，暴跳如雷。他批評塔夫脫總統(tǒng)過于保守，試圖使自己第三次當(dāng)選總統(tǒng)，就組建了一個公麋黨。但是這幾乎毀了共和黨。在這次選舉中，塔夫脫和共和黨只得到兩個州的選票——佛蒙特州和猶他州。這是共和黨的空前慘敗。

西奧多·羅斯福責(zé)怪塔夫脫，但是塔夫脫對自己是否責(zé)怪呢？當(dāng)然沒有，而是眼中飽含著淚水為自己辯解道：“我不知道我怎樣做才能夠和以前有所不同。”

這件事得怪誰呢？是羅斯福，還是塔夫脫？老實(shí)說我也不知道，而且我也不用去管它。現(xiàn)在我要指出來的是，西奧多·羅斯福所有的批評都不能讓塔夫脫承認(rèn)自己錯了。這只能讓塔夫脫竭力為自己辯護(hù)，而且眼中飽含著淚水說：“我不知道我怎樣做才能夠和以前有所不同。”

或者再拿“茶壺蓋油田”舞弊案來說吧。大家還記得這個案子嗎？輿論為此批評了許多年，整個國家都為之震驚。在這代人的記憶中，在美國政壇上還沒有出現(xiàn)過這類丑聞。這樁赤裸裸的丑聞是這樣的：哈定總統(tǒng)的內(nèi)政部長弗爾負(fù)責(zé)主管政府在阿爾克山丘和茶壺蓋地區(qū)油田的出租——這塊油田是保留給海軍將來使用的。弗爾部長是不是進(jìn)行了公開招標(biāo)呢？沒有。他干脆把這份優(yōu)厚的合同交給了他的朋友杜亨尼。而杜亨尼干了些什么呢？他給了弗爾部長10萬美元的“貸款”。

a “l(fā)oan” of one hundred thousand dollars. Then, in a high-handed manner, Secretary Fall ordered United States Marines into the district to drive off competitors whose adjacent wells were sapping oil out of the Elk Hill reserves. These competitors, driven off their ground at the ends of guns and bayonets, rushed into court—and blew the lid off the Teapot Dome scandal. A stench arose so vile that it mined the Harding Administration, nauseated an entire nation, threatened to wreck the Republican party, and put Albert B.Fall behind prison bars.

Fall was condemned viciously—condemned as few men in public life have ever been. Did he repent? Never! Years later Herbert Hoover intimated in a public speech that President Harding's death had been due to mental anxiety and worry because a friend had betrayed him. When Mrs.Fall heard that, she sprang from her chair, she wept, she shook her fists at fate and screamed, “What! Harding betrayed by Fall? No! My husband never betrayed anyone. This whole house full of gold would not tempt my husband to do wrong. He is the one who has been betrayed and led to the slaughter and crucified.”

There you are; human nature in action, wrongdoers, blaming everybody but themselves. We are all like that. So when you and I are tempted to criticize someone tomorrow, let's remember Al Capone, “Two Gun” Crowley and Albert Fall.Let's realize that criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home.Let's realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return; or, like the gentle Taft, will say, “I don't see how I could have done any differently from what I have.”

On the morning of April 15，1865, Abraham Lincoln lay dying in a hall bedroom of a

然后，弗爾部長又令美國海軍進(jìn)入該區(qū)，以高壓手段把那些競爭者趕走，免得他們位于周圍的油井吸干阿爾克山丘的原油。這些競爭者被強(qiáng)行趕走了，他們只好走上法庭，揭發(fā)茶壺蓋油田舞弊案。結(jié)果這件事的影響非常惡劣，幾乎毀了哈定總統(tǒng)的政府，使整個國家極其反感，共和黨也幾乎垮臺，弗爾部長則鋃鐺入獄。

弗爾部長遭到了公眾的譴責(zé)，以前很少有公眾人物遭到這樣的譴責(zé)。他反悔了嗎？沒有！許多年以后，胡佛總統(tǒng)在一次公開演講中暗示哈定總統(tǒng)之死是由于精神刺激和憂慮，因?yàn)橐粋€朋友出賣了他。弗爾的夫人聽到后，從椅子上跳了起來，她大叫大嚷，攥緊了拳頭尖叫道：“什么？哈定是被弗爾出賣的嗎？不，我的丈夫從來沒有辜負(fù)過任何人。即使這整個房間都堆滿了黃金，都不會讓我的丈夫干任何蠢事。他是被人出賣而被釘上十字架的。”

你看，這就是人類的天性！做錯了事的人只知道責(zé)怪別人，絕不會責(zé)怪自己。我們都是這樣。因此，當(dāng)你和我以后想要批評別人的時候，請記住阿爾·卡普、“雙槍手”科洛雷和弗爾。我們要明白，批評就好比家養(yǎng)的鴿子，它們總是要飛回家的。我們還應(yīng)該清楚，我們所要糾正和指責(zé)的人總是會為他們作自我辯護(hù)，并反過來指責(zé)我們；或者他們會像溫和的塔夫脫總統(tǒng)那樣，會說：“我不知道我該怎樣做才能和以前有所不同。”

1865年4月15日早晨，林肯奄奄一息地躺在福特戲院對面一家簡陋公寓的臥

cheap lodging house directly across the street from Ford's Theater, where John Wilkes Booth had shot him.Lincoln's long body lay stretched diagonally across a sagging bed that was too short for him. A cheap reproduction of Rosa Bonheur's famous painting The Horse Fair hung above the bed, and a dismal gas jet flickered yellow light.

As Lincoln lay dying, Secretary of War Stanton said, “There lies the most perfect ruler of men that the world has ever seen.”

What was the secret of Lincoln's success in dealing with people? I studied the life of Abraham Lincoln for ten years and devoted all of three years to writing and rewriting a book entitled Lincoln the Unknown. I believe I have made as detailed and exhaustive a study of Lincoln's personality and home life as it is possible for any being to make. I made a special study of Lincoln's method of dealing with people.Did he indulge in criticism? Oh, yes. As a young man in the Pigeon Creek Valley of Indiana, he not only criticized but he wrote letters and poems ridiculing people and dropped these letters on the country roads where they were sure to be found. One of these letters aroused resentments that burned for a lifetime.

Even after Lincoln had become a practicing lawyer in Springfield, Illinois, he attacked his opponents openly in letters published in the newspapers. But he did this just once too often.

In the autumn of 1842 he ridiculed a vain, pugnacious politician by the name of James Shields. Lincoln lampooned him through an anonymous letter published in the Springfield Journal. The town roared with laughter.Shields, sensitive and proud, boiled with indignation. He found out who wrote the letter, leaped on his horse, started after Lincoln, and challenged him to fight a duel.Lincoln didn't want to fight. He was opposed

室中，他在戲院遭到了布思的槍襲。林肯那瘦長的身軀斜躺在一張松垮的床上，這床對他來說太小了。在床的上方掛的是波納爾的名畫《馬市》的廉價復(fù)制品，一盞煤氣燈散發(fā)出慘淡的黃暈光圈。

就在林肯即將咽氣時，陸軍部長史丹頓說：“這里躺著的，是人類有史以來最完美的元首。”

林肯為人處世的成功秘訣是什么呢？我曾花了10年時間研究林肯的一生，并用了整整3年時間撰寫和修改了一本名叫《世人所未知的林肯》的書。我相信我已盡了一切可能，對林肯的性格及家庭生活作了詳細(xì)透徹的研究。而對于林肯的為人處世之道，我更是作了特殊研究。他是否喜歡動不動就批評別人？是的，確實(shí)是這樣。在他年輕的時候住在印第安納的鴿溪谷時，他不僅喜歡指責(zé)別人，還寫信作詩來挖苦別人，把這些信扔在一定會被人發(fā)現(xiàn)的路上。其中有一封信竟致使對方終生都痛恨他。

即使林肯在伊利諾伊州的斯普林菲爾德鎮(zhèn)當(dāng)上律師之后，他還在報紙上發(fā)表文章，公開攻擊他的對手。不過這也給他帶來了不少麻煩。

1842年秋天，林肯在《斯普林菲爾德日報》發(fā)表了一封匿名信，譏諷一位自高自大的政客詹姆斯·謝爾茲。所有讀過它的人都捧腹大笑。謝爾茲是個敏感而自負(fù)的人，他一查出是誰寫的這封信之后，惱怒萬分，立即跳上馬去找林肯，提出

to dueling, but he couldn't get out of it and save his honor. He was given the choice of weapons. Since he had very long arms, he chose cavalry broadswords and took lessons in sword fighting from a West Point graduate; and, on the appointed day, he and Shields met on a sandbar in the Mississippi River, prepared to fight to the death; but, at the last minute, their seconds interrupted and stopped the duel.

That was the most lurid personal incident in Lincoln's life. It taught him an invaluable lesson in the art of dealing with people. Never again did he write an insulting letter. Never again did he ridicule anyone. And from that time on, he almost never criticized anybody for anything.

Time after time, during the Civil War, Lincoln put a new general at the head of the Army of the Potomac, and each one in turn—McClellan, Pope, Burnside, Hooker, Me ade—blundered tragically and drove Lincoln to pacing the floor in despair. Half the nation savagely condemned these incompetent generals, but Lincoln, “with malice toward none, with charity for all,” held his peace. One of his favorite quotations was “Judge not, that ye be not judged.”

And when Mrs. Lincoln and others spoke harshly of the southern people, Lincoln replied, “Don't criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.”

Yet if any man ever had occasion to criticize, surely it was Lincoln. Let's take just one illustration:

The Battle of Gettysburg was fought during the first three days of July 1863.During the night of July 4, Lee began to retreat southward while storm clouds deluged the country with rain. When Lee reached the Potomac with his defeated army, he found

要和他決斗。林肯不想打架，反對決斗，但為了保全面子只好接受決斗的要求。對手讓他選擇武器。由于林肯雙臂較長，他就選擇了騎兵用的長劍，并向西點(diǎn)軍校一位畢業(yè)生學(xué)劍術(shù)。決斗那天，他和謝爾茲在密西西比河的一個沙灘上對峙，準(zhǔn)備決戰(zhàn)至死。但就在決斗即將開始的最后一分鐘，他們的同伴阻止了這場決斗。

這是林肯人生當(dāng)中最難堪的一件事之一。這給他在為人處世方面上了寶貴的一課。從此以后，他再也沒有寫過任何侮辱他人的信，也不再譏笑別人了。從那時起，他不再因?yàn)槿魏问露u別人。

在美國內(nèi)戰(zhàn)期間，林肯屢屢委派新的將領(lǐng)統(tǒng)帥波多馬克的軍隊(duì)作戰(zhàn)，麥克里蘭、波普、伯恩塞德、胡克、米德——全都相繼慘敗。這使得林肯在房間里絕望地來回走動。全國有一半的人都在痛罵這些不中用的將軍，但林肯卻始終一聲不吭，不作任何表態(tài)。他最喜歡引用的一句格言是“不要議論別人，別人才不會議論你”。

當(dāng)林肯夫人和其他人都在非議南方佬時，林肯回答道：“不要批評他們。如果我們處在和他們同樣的情況下，也會跟他們一樣的。”

可是如果說誰有資格批評的話，這個人肯定是林肯。我們來看一個例子：

葛底斯堡戰(zhàn)役發(fā)生在1863年7月的頭3天。7月4日晚，南方的李將軍開始向南撤退。當(dāng)時烏云籠罩，大雨傾盆而下。當(dāng)李將軍率領(lǐng)敗軍之師退到波多馬克時，

a swollen, impassable river in front of him, and a victorious Union Army behind him.Lee was in a trap. He couldn't escape.Lincoln saw that.Here was a golden, heaven-sent opportunity—the opportunity to capture Lee's army and end the war immediately. So, with a surge of high hope, Lincoln ordered Meade not to call a council of war but to attack Lee immediately.Lincoln telegraphed his orders and then sent a special messenger to Meade demanding immediate action.

And what did General Meade do? He did the very opposite of what he was told to do. He called a council of war in direct violation of Lincoln's orders. He hesitated. He procrastinated. He telegraphed all manner of excuses. He refused point-blank to attack Lee.Finally the waters receded and Lee escaped over the Potomac with his forces.

Lincoln was furious, “What does this mean?” Lincoln cried to his son Robert.“Great God! What does this mean? We had them within our grasp, and had only to stretch forth our hands and they were ours; yet nothing that I could say or do could make the army move. Under the circumstances, almost any general could have defeated Lee. If I had gone up there, I could have whipped him myself.”

In bitter disappointment, Lincoln sat down and wrote Meade this letter. And remember, at this period of his life Lincoln was extremely conservative and restrained in his phraseology. So this letter coming from Lincoln in 1863 was tantamount to the severest rebuke.

My dear General，

I do not believe you appreciate the magnitude of the misfortune involved in Lee's escape. He was within our easy grasp, and to have closed upon him would, in connection with our

一條大河攔住了去路，難以通行；而在他身后則是乘勝追擊的北方聯(lián)軍。李將軍已經(jīng)被圍困了，無路可逃。林肯看到這正是天賜良機(jī)——可以俘獲李將軍的軍隊(duì)并立即結(jié)束戰(zhàn)爭。于是他滿懷希望地命令米德將軍，不必召開軍事會議，而是立即進(jìn)攻李將軍。林肯用電報下命令，又派出特使，要求立即行動。

而米德將軍又是怎么做的呢？他所做的與林肯命令的恰恰相反。他違背了林肯的命令，召開了一次軍事會議。他一再拖延，猶豫不決。他還打電話以各種借口來解釋，他甚至一口回絕了進(jìn)攻李將軍。最后，河水退卻，李將軍和他的軍隊(duì)從波多馬克逃走了。

林肯異常惱怒。“這是什么意思？”林肯朝兒子羅伯特大聲叫嚷，“天啊！這是什么意思？敵軍已落入我們掌心，只需一伸手，他們就會完蛋了！但我不論說什么做什么，卻不能讓軍隊(duì)前進(jìn)一步。在這種形勢下，幾乎任何一位將軍都能擊敗李將軍。如果我在那里，我自己就可以消滅他！”

在痛苦失望之余，林肯坐下來給米德將軍寫了封信。要記住，林肯這時已經(jīng)非常克制自己的脾氣了。因此林肯這封寫于1863年的信算是最嚴(yán)厲的斥責(zé)了。

我親愛的將軍：

我想你肯定體會不到李將軍的逃脫所帶來的嚴(yán)重不幸。本來他已經(jīng)處于我們的絕對掌控之中，如果抓住了他，再加上最近我們在其他方面的勝利，戰(zhàn)爭就可以結(jié)束

other late successes, have ended the war. As it is, the war will be prolonged indefinitely. If you could not safely attack Lee last Monday, how can you possibly do so south of the river, when you can take with you very few—no more than two-thirds of the force you then had in hand? It would be unreasonable to expect and I do not expect that you can now effect much. Your golden opportunity is gone, and I am distressed measurably because of it.

What do you suppose Meade did when he read the letter?

Meade never saw that letter. Lincoln never mailed it. It was found among his papers after his death.

My guess is—and this is only a guess—that after writing that letter, Lincoln looked out of the window and said to himself, “Just a minute. Maybe I ought not to be so hasty. It is easy enough for me to sit here in the quiet of the White House and order Meade to attack; but if I had been up at Gettysburg, and if I had seen as much blood as Meade has seen during the last week, and if my ears had been pierced with the screams and shrieks of the wounded and dying, maybe I wouldn't be so anxious to attack either. If I had Meade's timid temperament, perhaps I would have done just what he had done. Anyhow, it is water under the bridge now. If I send this letter, it will relieve my feelings, but it will make Meade try to justify himself. It will make him condemn me. It will arouse hard feelings, impair all his further usefulness as a commander, and perhaps force him to resign from the army.”

So, as I have already said, Lincoln put the letter aside, for he had learned by bitter experience that sharp criticisms and rebukes almost invariably end in futility.

Theodore Roosevelt said that when he, as President, was confronted with a perplexing

了。可是現(xiàn)在，戰(zhàn)爭恐怕會無限期拖延。假如你不能在上周一成功地?fù)魯±顚④姡阌衷趺茨茉诙珊又筮M(jìn)攻他？因?yàn)槟菚r你手中的兵力可能不到現(xiàn)在的2/3。期盼你會成功是不明智的，我已不再期盼你會做得更好。你已經(jīng)失去了大好時機(jī)，我深感痛惜。

你猜猜米德讀了這封信后會是什么反應(yīng)？

結(jié)果米德一直沒有看到這封信，因?yàn)榱挚喜]有將它寄出去。林肯遇刺身亡后，從他的文件中找到了這封信。

我猜想——這僅僅是猜想——林肯在寫完這封信后，向窗外遠(yuǎn)望，自言自語道：“等等。也許我不該這么著急。我坐在這寧靜的白宮中，命令米德進(jìn)攻是件很容易的事；但我當(dāng)時如果到了葛底斯堡，如果我也和米德一樣上周見過遍地鮮血，如果我的耳邊也聽到了傷亡士兵的哀號和呻吟，也許我不會急著進(jìn)攻了。如果我的性格和米德一樣柔弱，我的做法可能會與他相同。無論如何，現(xiàn)在生米已經(jīng)煮成熟飯了。如果我寄出這封信，固然可以發(fā)泄我的不快，但米德不會為自己辯護(hù)嗎？他甚至?xí)催^來斥責(zé)我。這將會產(chǎn)生厭惡心理，損害他的軍隊(duì)統(tǒng)帥的威信，甚至?xí)顾纱噢o職不干了。”

于是，就像我上面所說的，林肯將信放在一邊，因?yàn)樗褟耐纯嗟慕?jīng)驗(yàn)中體會到：尖刻的批評和斥責(zé)是無濟(jì)于事的。

羅斯福總統(tǒng)曾說，在他當(dāng)總統(tǒng)時，只要碰到難以解決的問題，他總是往后一

problem, he used to lean back and look up at a large painting of Lincoln which hung above his desk in the White House and ask himself, “What would Lincoln do if he were in my shoes? How would he solve this problem?”

The next time we are tempted to admonish somebody, let's pull a five-dollar bill out of our pocket, look at Lincoln's picture on the bill, and ask “How would Lincoln handle this problem if he had it?”

Mark Twain lost his temper occasionally and wrote letters that turned the paper brown. For example, he once wrote to a man who had aroused his ire:“The thing for you is a burial permit. You have only to speak and I will see that you get it.” On another occasion he wrote to an editor about a proofreader's attempts to “improve my spelling and punctuation.” He ordered:“Set the matter according to my copy hereafter and see that the proofreader retains his suggestions in the mush of his decayed brain.”

The writing of these stinging letters made Mark Twain feel better. They allowed him to blow off steam, and the letters didn't do any real harm, because Mark's wife secretly lifted them out of the mail. They were never sent.

Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it. But why not begin on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others—yes, and a lot less dangerous.“Don't complain about the snow on your neighbor's roof,” said Zhang Fengyi, “when your own doorstep is unclean.”

When I was still young and trying hard to impress people, I wrote a foolish letter to Richard Harding Davis, an author who once loomed large on the literary horizon of

靠，抬頭仰望他白宮辦公室墻上掛著的林肯巨幅畫像，問他自己：“如果林肯處在我的困境中，他會怎么辦？他將怎么解決這個問題？”

當(dāng)你下次想要批評某人的時候，就從口袋中掏出一張5美元的鈔票來，凝視上面的林肯頭像，然后問：“如果林肯遇到這種問題，他會如何處理呢？”

馬克·吐溫常常會大發(fā)脾氣，寫的信足以燒掉信紙。例如，他有一次寫信給一位讓他生氣的人：“你想要得到的應(yīng)該是死亡入葬書。只要你開口，我一定會幫你搞到。”又有一次他寫信給一位編輯，提到有一位校對人員企圖“改正我的拼寫和標(biāo)點(diǎn)”，他以命令的口氣寫道：“以后這種情況必須按我的底稿做，而且讓那位校對員把他的建議留在他那已經(jīng)腐爛的腦殼里。”

寫這種令人痛苦的信使馬克·吐溫感到很爽快，這樣他的怒氣也出來了，這些信也不會造成任何真實(shí)傷害，因?yàn)樗姆蛉嗽缫言诩男诺臅r候把信悄悄拿走了，信根本就沒有寄出去。

你是否想勸你所認(rèn)識的人改掉一些不好的習(xí)慣？這可真是太好了，我非常贊同。但是為什么不先從你自己開始呢？從純粹自私的角度而言，那也比改進(jìn)別人要收益更大——而且所冒的風(fēng)險也會小許多。張鳳翼就說過：“各人自掃門前雪，休管他人瓦上霜。”

當(dāng)我還很年輕時，很想在人面前表現(xiàn)自我。我曾給查哈丁·戴維斯——一位曾

America. I was preparing a magazine article about authors, and I asked Davis to tell me about his method of work. A few weeks earlier, I had received a letter from someone with this notation at the bottom:“Dictated but not read.” I was quite impressed. I felt that the writer must be very big and busy and important. I wasn't the slightest bit busy, but I was eager to make an impression on Richard Harding Davis, so I ended my short note with the words:“Dictated but not read.”

He never troubled to answer the letter. He simply returned it to me with this scribbled across the bottom:“Your bad manners are exceeded only by your bad manners.” True, I had blundered, and perhaps I deserved this rebuke. But, being human, I resented it. I resented it so sharply that when I read of the death of Richard Harding Davis ten years later, the one thought that still persisted in my mind—I am ashamed to admit—was the hurt he had given me.

If you and I want to stir up a resentment tomorrow that may rankle across the decades and endure until death, just let us indulge in a little stinging criticism—no matter how certain we are that it is justified.

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

Bitter criticism caused the sensitive Thomas Hardy, one of the finest novelists ever to enrich English literature, to give up forever the writing of fiction.Criticism drove Thomas Chatterton, the English poet, to suicide.

Benjamin Franklin, tactless in his youth, became so diplomatic, so adroit at handling

在美國文壇紅得發(fā)紫的作家寫了一封愚蠢的信。當(dāng)時我正準(zhǔn)備給某家雜志社寫一篇關(guān)于作家的文章，我就請戴維斯告訴我他的寫作方法。在此之前幾個星期，我曾收到一封信，信的末尾寫道：“口述信，未曾讀過。”我覺得這種辦法很好，認(rèn)為寫這封信的人一定是個了不起的大忙人。盡管我一點(diǎn)都不忙，但我迫切地想給戴維斯留下深刻的印象，就在短信的末尾寫上了“口述信，未曾讀過”的字樣。

但是戴維斯根本沒有給我回信。他只是將信退回給我，并在下面草草寫了幾個字：“態(tài)度倨傲，無以復(fù)加。”我確實(shí)是弄巧成拙了，這也是我自作聰明所應(yīng)得的斥責(zé)。但我當(dāng)時對此卻不以為然，甚至深懷厭恨，以至于10年后我得知戴維斯的死訊時，心里所想到的仍然是他對我的傷害——雖然我羞于承認(rèn)！

因此，如果你我想要激起怨恨，讓人懷恨幾十年，至死才消失的話，那么只需說些惡毒的批評之語就可以了——不論我們多么肯定這些話本身是多么合理。

與人相處時，一定要切記：與我們交往的不是理性的生物，而是充滿了感情的，帶有偏見、傲慢和虛榮的人。

刻薄的批評曾使得英國大文學(xué)家、敏感的托馬斯·哈代永遠(yuǎn)放棄了小說創(chuàng)作；批評還促使英國詩人托馬斯·卡德登自殺。

本杰明·富蘭克林青年時期并不是很聰明伶俐，但后來卻變得非常精明能干，結(jié)果被委任為美國駐法大使。他成功的秘訣是什么？“我不愿意說任何人的

people, that he was made American Ambassador to France. The secret of his success?“I will speak ill of no man,” he said，“... and speak all the good I know of everybody.”

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most fools do.

But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.

“A great man shows his greatness,” said Carlyle, “by the way he treats little men.”

Bob Hoover, a famous test pilot and frequent performer at air shows, was returning to his home in Los Angeles from an air show in San Diego. As described in the magazine Flight Operations, at three hundred feet in the air, both engines suddenly stopped. By deft maneuvering he managed to land the plane, but it was badly damaged although nobody was hurt.

Hoover's first act after the emergency landing was to inspect the airplane's fuel. Just as he suspected, the World War II propeller plane he had been flying had been fueled with jet fuel rather than gasoline.

Upon returning to the airport, he asked to see the mechanic who had serviced his airplane. The young man was sick with the agony of his mistake.Tears streamed down his face as Hoover approached. He had just caused the loss of a very expensive plane and could have caused the loss of three lives as well.

You can imagine Hoover's anger. One could anticipate the tongue-lashing that this proud and precise pilot would unleash for that carelessness. But Hoover didn't scold the mechanic; he didn't even criticize him. Instead, he put his big arm around the man's shoulder and said, “To show you I'm sure that you'll never do this again, I want you to

壞話，”他說，“……只說我所認(rèn)識的每個人的一切優(yōu)點(diǎn)。”

任何傻子都會批評、指責(zé)和抱怨——而且大多數(shù)傻子也正是這樣做的。

要了解和寬容別人，就要有良好的品德和自我克制。

“偉人之所以偉大，”卡萊爾說，“就是通過對待卑微者的方式來體現(xiàn)的。”

鮑伯·胡佛是一位著名的試飛員，常常在各種航空展覽中作飛行表演。有

一天，他在圣地亞哥航空展中表演完飛行后，朝洛杉磯家中飛回。正如《飛行作業(yè)》雜志所描述的那樣，當(dāng)飛機(jī)飛到300英尺（1尺寸約為0.3米）的高度時，兩具引擎突然熄滅了。幸虧胡佛的技術(shù)嫻熟，他駕駛飛機(jī)著了陸，雖然飛機(jī)嚴(yán)重毀壞，所幸無人受傷。

胡佛在飛機(jī)迫降之后所做的第一件事，就是檢查飛機(jī)的燃料。結(jié)果正如他預(yù)料的那樣，他所駕駛的這架二戰(zhàn)時期的螺旋槳飛機(jī)里面裝的竟然是噴氣機(jī)燃油，而不是汽油。

胡佛回機(jī)場后，要求見為他的飛機(jī)做保養(yǎng)的機(jī)械師。這個年輕人還在為他所犯的錯誤而難過不已呢。當(dāng)胡佛向他走去的時候，他淚流滿面。他使一架昂貴的飛機(jī)受到了損壞，還差點(diǎn)要了3個人的性命。

你可以想象胡佛的憤怒，并猜想這位榮譽(yù)心極強(qiáng)、做事認(rèn)真的飛行員一定會痛斥機(jī)械師的粗心大意。然而，胡佛并沒有責(zé)罵他，甚至連一句批評的話都沒有說。相反，他伸出雙手，抱住這位機(jī)械師的肩膀，說道：“為了表明我相信你不

service my F-51 tomorrow.”

Often parents are tempted to criticize their children. You would expect me to say “don't.” But I will not, I am merely going to say, “Before you criticize them, read one of the classics of American journalism，‘Father Forgets.'” It originally appeared as an editorial in the People's Home Journal. We are reprinting it here with the author's permission, as condensed in the Reader's Digest:

“Father Forgets” is one of those little pieces which—dashed off in a moment of sincere feeling—strikes an echoing chord in so many readers as to become a perennial reprint favorite. Since its first appearance, “Father Forgets has been reproduced,” writes the author, W.Livingston Lamed, “in hundreds of magazines and house organs, and in newspapers the country over. It has been reprinted almost as extensively in many foreign languages. I have given personal permission to thousands who wished to read it from school, church, and lecture platforms. It has been‘on the air’on countless occasions and programs.Oddly enough, college periodicals have used it, and high-school magazines. Sometimes a little piece seems mysteriously to‘click’. This one certainly did.”

FATHER FORGETS W. Livingston Lamed

Listen, son: I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little paw crumpled under your cheek and the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead. I have stolen into your room alone. Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me.Guiltily I came to your bedside.

會再犯錯誤，我要你明天再給我的F-51飛機(jī)做保養(yǎng)。”

許多父母動不動就批評他們的孩子。你一定以為我會說“不要批評”。但我并不想這么說，而是說“在你批評孩子之前，請先讀一讀《父親錯了》這篇美國典型的新聞教育文章。”這篇文章最初發(fā)表在《家庭紀(jì)事》的社論欄。經(jīng)過作者同意，我按照《讀者文摘》的節(jié)寫版，將它放在下面。

這是篇小短文，是在一時的內(nèi)心沖動之下寫出來的，但它卻打動了許多讀者，以至于成為眾人都喜歡的一再被轉(zhuǎn)載的文章。這篇文章首次發(fā)表之后，作者利文斯登·拉米德說：“全美國成百上千家報紙雜志和家庭組織都刊登過，在國外也差不多如此。我自己也允許過好幾千人在學(xué)校、教堂和演講臺上宣讀這篇文章。它還被電視和收音機(jī)轉(zhuǎn)播或廣播過無數(shù)次。令人奇怪的是，大學(xué)刊物轉(zhuǎn)載它，中學(xué)刊物也轉(zhuǎn)載。有時，一篇小文章竟能夠深深地引起人們的共鳴。這篇文章確實(shí)產(chǎn)生了這樣的效果。”

父親錯了

利文斯登·拉米德

聽著，兒子：我想在你熟睡的時候和你說上幾句。你躺在床上，小手按在臉頰上，濕濕的金黃色卷發(fā)粘在你那出了些許汗水的額頭上。我剛才一個人悄悄地走進(jìn)你的房間。當(dāng)我?guī)追昼娨郧霸跁孔x報時，突然感到十分懊悔。我是懷著愧疚之心來到你床邊的。

There are the things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel. I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor.

At breakfast I found fault, too. You spilled things. You gulped down your food. You put your elbows on the table. You spread butter too thick on your bread. And as you started off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, “Goodbye, Daddy,” and I frowned, and said in reply, “Hold your shoulders back!”

Then it began all over again in the late afternoon. As I came up the road I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles. There were holes in your stockings. I humiliated you before your boyfriends by marching you ahead of me to the house. Stockings were expensive—and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! Imagine that, son, from a father!

Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you came in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes? When I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption, you hesitated at the door.“What is it you want?” I snapped.

You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and your small arms tightened with an affection that God had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither. And then you were gone, pattering up the stairs.

Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me? The habit of

我的兒子，我想到了許許多多的事情：我對你確實(shí)太粗暴了。在你穿衣服上學(xué)的時候我會呵斥你，因?yàn)槟阒皇怯妹黼S便擦了把臉；在你沒有擦干凈鞋子的時候，我也會對你大發(fā)雷霆；當(dāng)你把東西丟在地板上時，我又會沖著你怒吼。

在早餐時，我又發(fā)現(xiàn)了你的毛病：你把食物濺在了桌上，吃飯時沒有一點(diǎn)修養(yǎng)，還把胳膊肘放在桌子上，甚至在面包上涂了厚厚的一層黃油。當(dāng)你出門去玩，而我要去趕火車的時候，你轉(zhuǎn)身朝我揮揮手，響亮地說：“爸爸再見！”可是我卻皺著眉頭告訴你：“挺起胸膛！”

晚上，一切又重新開始。我在路上就看見你跪在地上打彈珠，你的長筒襪子磨出了好幾個洞。我當(dāng)著你的伙伴的面押你回家，讓你感到了羞辱。我還對你說：“襪子是要花錢買的，如果你自己掏錢，你就會在意了。”唉，這竟出自一位父親之口！

你還記得嗎？沒過多久，當(dāng)我在書房看書時，你小心地走進(jìn)來，眼里帶著委屈的樣子。我從報紙上面看到了你，對你的打攪十分不悅。你站在門口，有些猶豫，“你想干什么？”我惡狠狠地說。

你什么也沒說，只是突然朝我跑過來，摟住我的脖子親吻著我。你的小手緊緊地抱了我一下。滿含情愛，那是上帝種在你心田里的，任何漠視都不能使它枯萎，之后你離開了，快步上了樓梯。

在你離開不久，兒子，報紙從手中滑落在地，一陣令人難受的強(qiáng)烈愧疚涌上了我的心頭。我真是受習(xí)慣之害匪淺！吹毛求疵，并且動不動就斥責(zé)——這就是

finding fault, of reprimanding—this was my reward to you for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.

And there was so much that was good and free and true in your character. The little heart of you was as big as the dawn itself over the wide hills. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night. Nothing else matters tonight, son. I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!

It is a feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you during your waking hours. But tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual:“He is nothing but a boy—a little boy!”

I am afraid I have visualized you as a man. Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in your mother's arms, your head on her shoulder. I have asked too much, too much.

Instead of condemning people, let's try to understand them. Let's try to figure out why they do what they do. That's a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.“To know all is to forgive all.”

As Dr. Johnson said, “God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days.”

Why should you and I?

Principle 1：Don't criticize, condemn or complain.

我對你這個小男孩的報償！我不是不愛你，而是對你的期望太高，并以我自己的年齡標(biāo)準(zhǔn)來要求你。

在你的天性中充滿了真、善、美。你那幼小的心靈就好像黎明的陽光，照亮了群山的清晨——你跑進(jìn)來親吻我，向我道晚安的內(nèi)在沖動表明了這一切。其他都不重要了！我的兒子！我在黑暗中來到你的床邊，內(nèi)心充滿愧疚地跪在這里。

我這不過是一種沒什么作用的懺悔。我知道，當(dāng)我在你醒來的時候告訴你這些時，你也不會明白。但是我從明天開始要做一個真正的父親。我要成為你的好伙伴，在你痛苦時幫你分擔(dān)，在你歡笑時和你共同分享。我不會再說那些不耐煩的話，我會每天告訴自己：“他只是個孩子——一個小男孩！”

我想我以前是將你當(dāng)大人來對待的。但是，我的兒子，當(dāng)我現(xiàn)在看到你蜷縮著睡在你的小床上時，你仍然是個嬰兒。你在母親的懷里，頭靠在她肩上，此情此景猶如發(fā)生在昨天。我以前對你太苛刻了，太苛刻了！

因此，我們不要去責(zé)怪別人，而要試著去了解他們，弄明白他們?yōu)槭裁磿敲醋觥＿@會比批評更有益，而且還能產(chǎn)生同情、容忍以及仁慈。“了解了一切，就會寬恕一切！”

正如約翰遜博士所說的：“要知道，即使是上帝，如果不到世界末日，也不會輕易審判世人。”為什么你我要批評別人呢？

第一項(xiàng)規(guī)則：不要批評、指責(zé)或抱怨。