A Father’s Pre-Empty Nest Post-Partum Mess 空巢老爸的悲情自白

◎ By Norris J. Chumley 譯 / 阿諾

Women aren’t the only ones who feel the loss when the “baby” grows up, goes to college and moves out of the house. Fathers do too. Although it’s a little hard to admit—I am already feeling the empty-nest syndrome, in spite of being sure it would never hit me. This isn’t something my fellow father friends ever discussed or warned me about. I’ve never read about it from a man’s perspective either.

It’s official—the university has been chosen. The time is upon us. Only a few months left. My (our) youngest son is headed out the door for college this coming August, and I’m feeling it big time. The days are numbered, and I can’t believe it but I’m having separation anxiety! Yes me, over six feet tall big strapping dad that I am, I have become an emotional mess of a man.

Applications have long-ago been written, edited, rewritten and sent. Financial aid forms (oh that lovely FAFSA) and electronic pleas submitted. We’ve toured and heard university sales pitches ad nauseam. It is the season for parents of high-school seniors to get ready. I wasn’t quite prepared.

I thought I was so cool and experienced by now. We did it before and survived our oldest son’s departure. We missed him a lot, even though he “boomerangs” most weekends. Now, our house is about to be totally kid-empty for the first time in 24 years. This time the move-out for college is markedly different.

當(dāng)家里的“小寶貝”逐漸長(zhǎng)大，去上大學(xué)，從家里搬走的時(shí)候，不是只有母親才會(huì)感到失落。做父親的也會(huì)。雖然要承認(rèn)這一點(diǎn)不太容易——我已經(jīng)嘗到“空巢綜合征”的滋味了，盡管我曾確信這永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)發(fā)生在我身上。我那些同樣身為人父的朋友們從來(lái)沒(méi)有談?wù)撨^(guò)這種事，也沒(méi)有警告過(guò)我。我也從來(lái)沒(méi)讀到過(guò)有誰(shuí)從男性的角度寫(xiě)這種事。

就要正式分別了——大學(xué)已經(jīng)選定。余下的時(shí)間不多，只剩幾個(gè)月了。這個(gè)八月，我(我們)最小的兒子就要離家去上大學(xué)了，我對(duì)此感受強(qiáng)烈。在一起的日子屈指可數(shù)，雖然難以置信，但我正處在離別的焦慮之中！是的，我，這個(gè)身高六英尺多的魁梧老爸，已經(jīng)傷感得一塌糊涂了。

大學(xué)申請(qǐng)書(shū)早就撰寫(xiě)、修改、重寫(xiě)和寄出了，助學(xué)金申請(qǐng)表(那份討人喜歡的聯(lián)邦學(xué)生資助申請(qǐng))和電子申請(qǐng)書(shū)也已經(jīng)提交了。我們?nèi)チ瞬簧俚胤剑髮W(xué)招生的那些宣傳我們都已經(jīng)聽(tīng)厭了。這是高中畢業(yè)生的家長(zhǎng)們應(yīng)該做好準(zhǔn)備的季節(jié)，而我還沒(méi)有完全準(zhǔn)備好。

我原本以為現(xiàn)在的自己已經(jīng)足夠淡定、足夠有經(jīng)驗(yàn)了。我們有過(guò)這種經(jīng)歷，大兒子離家時(shí)我們挺過(guò)來(lái)了。我們當(dāng)時(shí)很想他，盡管大多數(shù)周末他都會(huì)跑回家來(lái)?，F(xiàn)在，我們家里將完全不再有孩子的身影，這是24年來(lái)的頭一遭。這次小兒子離家上大學(xué)明顯與從前不同。

Yes, I am all about helping our last child get ready and actually go. My wife and I both advised and edited his applications. We attended interviews. School college fairs. Advisory meetings are behind us now. I understand when he wants to go out and party with friends, instead of a quiet relaxing evening with the folks. I think it’s great that he wants to be more and more independent. Yeah, it’s OK that he’d rather spend a Saturday afternoon with a girl instead of hiking with me. I’m over all that. No problems, it’s just Part of Living a Full Life.

For the past three or four years I’ve been preparing for that moment when our son, now 18, liberates us. No more having to provide dinner, or be in town every night so he can get to school every day. We’ve cooked or ordered 6,570 dinners so far for him, and he’s still hungry! We can now travel, unscheduled! So say all my other empty-nest fathers. I’ve taken it all in stride and pride—thinking that we’ve done an acceptable job so far, after all he’s still alive, making pretty great grades, and gotten into a very fine university indeed, thank God. Stiff upper lip, non-emotional male me; everything is in control. That’s the kind of guy I am: cool and collected. That moment to come, though, has come. Not one of my fellow fathers warned me of the emotional angle of this traumatic moment. It’s nothing I have ever experienced to this dramatic degree ever before.

是的，我一直在幫助我們最小的孩子做好真正離家的準(zhǔn)備。我和妻子都對(duì)他的申請(qǐng)材料提出過(guò)建議，也加以修改。我們參加了面談，也去了學(xué)校舉辦的大學(xué)招生展會(huì)。那些咨詢(xún)會(huì)如今也已經(jīng)是過(guò)去時(shí)了。當(dāng)小兒子想跟朋友們一起外出聚會(huì)，而不是與家人共度一個(gè)平靜而放松的夜晚時(shí)，我可以理解。他想變得越來(lái)越獨(dú)立，我覺(jué)得很好。沒(méi)錯(cuò)，周六下午他更愿意跟一個(gè)女孩待在一起而不是和我一起去遠(yuǎn)足，那也沒(méi)什么。我已經(jīng)不為這類(lèi)事情傷神了。沒(méi)問(wèn)題，這只是孩子過(guò)充實(shí)生活的一部分。

小兒子今年18歲。為了迎接我們從他那里獲得解放的時(shí)刻，過(guò)去三四年以來(lái)我一直在做準(zhǔn)備。無(wú)須再給他做飯，也無(wú)須為了讓他能每天上學(xué)而每晚留在城里。包括外賣(mài)在內(nèi)，我們至今已經(jīng)為他準(zhǔn)備了6570頓晚餐，而他還在喊餓！我們現(xiàn)在可以旅游了，無(wú)須事先安排！我認(rèn)識(shí)的其他空巢老爸也都這么說(shuō)。我從容而自豪地接受了這一切——我想到目前為止，我們當(dāng)父母還算稱(chēng)職，畢竟他還活得好好的，成績(jī)很不錯(cuò)，而且還進(jìn)了一所非常好的大學(xué)，謝天謝地。我是個(gè)沉著冷靜、情緒穩(wěn)定的男人，一切盡在掌握之中。我就是這種人：從容不迫，鎮(zhèn)定自若。但是，該來(lái)的時(shí)刻還是來(lái)了。關(guān)于這個(gè)令人痛苦的時(shí)刻，那些做父親的朋友們就沒(méi)有一個(gè)從情感的角度提醒過(guò)我。我還從來(lái)沒(méi)有經(jīng)歷過(guò)讓人產(chǎn)生如此劇烈反應(yīng)的事。

Last weekend, that “fatherly cool” all came unraveled. There I was in a far-off town with our boy, whoops young man—father and son quality time. We’d spent the weekend in early orientation sessions. Hours and hours of information, meeting faculty, schmoosing department heads—the presidential handshake and financial aid officer complimenting complete. There we were killing time before the flight home, just me and my man listening to the radio on a distant street watching college students go by, when a certain song came on. “Homeward bound I wish I was ... Homeward bound ... Home, where my thought’s escaping ... Home, where my music’s playing ... Silently for Me ...” I began to cry uncontrollably. That Paul Simon song was one I hadn’t heard in years, and man oh man did it hit me. He’d be gone soon. Such homesickness ... Me, not him so much. I’m not the one leaving home. We won’t have to eat precisely at six anymore and dinners will never be the same. Oh no, will we ever see him again? He’ll be 30 and I’ll be in my 70’s ... 40, 50, 60 and then what?! Grandkids? I’ll sure miss his sweet cherubic face ... What a cute baby he was! What fun to sit him on my knee and watch cartoons—Tex Avery’s especially.

上周末，那份“父親的冷靜”徹底瓦解了。我在一座遙遠(yuǎn)的城市，跟我們家的小男孩——啊，應(yīng)該說(shuō)是小伙子——共度了一段父子間的寶貴時(shí)光。此前的周末我們參加了入學(xué)前期的新生導(dǎo)覽活動(dòng)。我們花了好幾個(gè)小時(shí)聽(tīng)介紹，和教職人員見(jiàn)面，跟系領(lǐng)導(dǎo)閑聊，還跟校長(zhǎng)握了手，奉承了助學(xué)金的管理人員。坐飛機(jī)回家前，我跟兒子兩個(gè)人在離家遙遠(yuǎn)的街上一邊聽(tīng)著收音機(jī)，一邊看著大學(xué)生來(lái)來(lái)往往，借此打發(fā)時(shí)間。這時(shí)，收音機(jī)里傳來(lái)了一首歌：“但愿我是在回家的路上……回家的路上……我的思緒飄往家的方向……我的音樂(lè)在家中奏響……無(wú)聲地為我奏響……”我無(wú)法抑制地哭了起來(lái)。保羅·西蒙的這首歌我好多年都沒(méi)有聽(tīng)過(guò)了，天哪天哪，他真是唱到我的心坎里去了。兒子就快離開(kāi)了。這樣的思鄉(xiāng)之情……是我，他不怎么想家。即將離家的人不是我。我們?cè)僖膊挥昧c(diǎn)準(zhǔn)時(shí)開(kāi)飯了，晚飯也再不會(huì)與從前一樣了。哦，不，我們還能再見(jiàn)到他嗎？他將會(huì)長(zhǎng)到30歲，那時(shí)我就70多歲了……到他40歲，50歲，60歲，之后呢？！就有孫輩了？我肯定會(huì)想念他那可愛(ài)的胖乎乎的臉蛋兒……他曾經(jīng)是個(gè)多么可愛(ài)的小寶寶??！把他抱在膝上一起看卡通片——特別是特克斯·艾弗里的作品——是多么開(kāi)心啊。

All my male fortitude and fatherly strength was flooding away, out-of-control, along with my manly rational mind. My strong and stoic fatherly image melting in good-bye images. There was nothing I could do to stop the tears. So I decided that strong men cry too. “We’re Human. Men are Emotional. I’m Human. Men cry too—it’s probably healthy. No big deal.” I let it rip.

It was a big deal; a very big deal. I cried and cried in a mixture of embarrassment and novelty. There was no logic, no quick-fix manly gate-keeping. Out of my total emotional decompensation, I managed to get out only three words amidst the tears: “I love you.”

My boy put his arm around my shoulders, and we looked in each other’s eyes. He was weeping too. Then we began sobbing. Then laughing at the thought and the sight of the two of us, such a weepy mess. I put my arm around his shoulders too, and we just cried and cried some more together, father and son. I will never forget that moment. I don’t think I can ever bear to hear that song again.

我作為男性的剛毅和父親的堅(jiān)強(qiáng)，連同男性的理性思維，全都被淚水沖走，全部失控了。我那堅(jiān)強(qiáng)、克制的父親形象融化在了告別的畫(huà)面中。我無(wú)法止住淚水，于是我斷定堅(jiān)強(qiáng)的男人也會(huì)哭?！拔覀兌际侨?，男人都會(huì)動(dòng)感情，我也是凡人。男人也會(huì)哭—哭一哭大概有益于健康。沒(méi)什么大不了的?！蔽胰斡裳蹨I盡情地流淌。

這是件大事，非常大的事。我哭個(gè)不停，既感到難為情，又有種新奇的感覺(jué)。沒(méi)有道理可講，也沒(méi)有保持男子漢形象的應(yīng)急之策。完全處于情緒代償失調(diào)中的我流著淚，只勉強(qiáng)說(shuō)出三個(gè)字：“我愛(ài)你。”

兒子伸手摟住我的肩膀，我們四目相對(duì)。他也在哭。后來(lái)，我們開(kāi)始抽噎。再后來(lái)，看著彼此哭得如此狼狽的樣子，想想這個(gè)場(chǎng)景，我們又笑了起來(lái)。我也伸手摟住他的肩膀，父子倆又一起哭了一陣。我永遠(yuǎn)也忘不了那一刻。我想我再也聽(tīng)不得那首歌了。

He’s going to do so well at college next year. He’ll be busy with classes, and making new friends. I’ll be busy working hard to pay the tuition, and send him money for more dinners, and dates. My wife and I can have a second honeymoon, without kids! Honestly, though, I will miss him a lot. “That’s OK,” I logically tell myself. “That’s what life is about,” I guess. “That’s what love is about, happiness and sadness all in one,” I tell myself. It’s hard, but it’s sweet too. Ah, truthfully it’s not OK and I’m a manly emotional mess.

I couldn’t wait to leave home and my parents when I was my rebellious 18. I didn’t cry a tear, and they didn’t either. I don’t remember ever hearing those three words as I said goodbye. Now, over 30 years later, I’m so proud of growing up and being a father to my sons. It’s different now, with this generation. There is so much to be happy about, and I love my wife and sons so much I’m about to cry some more, and that’s fine. I’m a fine mess.

明年，他會(huì)在大學(xué)里過(guò)得很好。他將忙著上課，忙著結(jié)交新朋友。我則會(huì)忙著努力工作來(lái)支付他的學(xué)費(fèi)，給他寄錢(qián)，供他吃更多頓飯，供他約會(huì)。我和妻子可以再度一次蜜月，沒(méi)有孩子拖累！不過(guò)，說(shuō)實(shí)話(huà)，我會(huì)非常想他的?！斑@沒(méi)什么。”我理性地告訴自己?！吧罹褪沁@樣?！蔽蚁?。“愛(ài)就是這樣，悲欣交集。”我對(duì)自己說(shuō)。離別不易，但同樣也很甜蜜。啊，說(shuō)實(shí)話(huà)，這一點(diǎn)也不好受，我是個(gè)感傷得一塌糊涂的大男人。

當(dāng)我還是個(gè)18歲的叛逆少年時(shí)，我迫不及待地想離開(kāi)家，離開(kāi)父母。我當(dāng)時(shí)一滴淚也沒(méi)流，他們也一樣。我不記得曾在道別時(shí)聽(tīng)到他們說(shuō)那三個(gè)字。如今，30多年過(guò)去了，我終于長(zhǎng)大成人，并做了孩子們的父親，對(duì)此我感到非常自豪。如今這一代人的情況不一樣了。有太多讓人高興的事了，而我如此愛(ài)我的妻兒，我還會(huì)再哭幾次。這也沒(méi)什么。我的心情真是一團(tuán)糟。